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Bug's Bleat - - GCF: Ten Dresses
Volume 6, Issue 52 Friday, December 24, 2004
Hello ALL,
Merry Christmas to you all.
Our Vanessa, Jimmy and JOSIAH came in this morning at 2:00 am. Josiah is a year old and we don't see enough of them. Right now, he's exploring my bedroom.
~~~~~
We had a great Christmas Eve dinner with all our kids and grandkids. After exchanging gifts, we took the grandkids out to see the lights. Vanessa gave the prize to Bobbie and David’s house with Lou Murphy’s GIANT angels coming in a close second.
~~~~~
Eric, Tammy, Tiffany and Colton Waller came by Tuesday to wish us a Merry Christmas. Our loss is Georgia's gain. We wish they were back here with us.
~~~~~
Thank Wal-Mart for helping Salvation Army overcome the Target loss Folks dropping money in Salvation Army kettles at Wal-Mart stores can make their money go twice as far. The world's largest retailer announced last Thursday it would match up to $1 million in donations. The company said the clock started Thursday on the match and runs through Christmas Eve. Wal-Mart is helping raise money for needy families, while the Target Corporation continues to serve as this year's "Ebenezer Scrooge." Earlier this year, Target told the Salvation Army to "take a hike" with its red kettles, refusing to allow them to raise much needed funds to help children this Christmas.
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We all have Christmas memories. I’m going WAAAAY back and remembering my first Christmas. My dad had purchased a HUGE Lionel train set for this, my fourth Christmas.
The engine blew smoke (with the help of a small tablet that Dinah Sue, Charles and I quickly found other uses for) and had a real train whistle sound. The control was about the size of a small end table with two levers on it, one for speed and one for the whistle.
It came with a crane car, a missile car, a searchlight car and a log car as well as the routine cattle, box, etc. The logs could be dumped and reloaded and the cattle could be unloaded and loaded again out of a pen.
I was playing with it, in front of the Christmas tree when someone knocked on the door. (This was after my dad had died and we were living with grandmother on what is now US 371.) I ran to the door to discover a man covered in blood.
There had been an accident and he was looking for help. Uncle Bob and my mother went out and started assisting the injured. It seems that another log truck had turned over in the curve toward town and these kids truck had hit a log and wrecked.
My mother ended up driving one of the kids to the hospital in Springhill. I sat in back and held the guys head.
I guess that was my first “ambulance” run.
~~~~~
"Rockin Romania" has been invited to the White House to participate in honoring the workers who've struggled to save Romanian Orphans. We'll keep you posted.
~~~~~
Don't forget ... "Da Bleat" is now on the web. Just go to http://bugsbleat.blogspot.com
~~~~~
Christmas greetings from "Master's Hands"
Hello from Arusha!
We are finally starting to get settled in here. Even though we're still in the same country, this region is quite different from where we were previously.
Building Projects
Brandt has been busy finishing the dormitory for the Bible school and also working on the new nursery school for Masai children. All the children who attend are from destitute families. This school gives them the opportunity for a head start on their education and also provides them with two meals a day.
Bible School News
I just finished teaching two different courses in the Bible school: Door-to-door Evangelism and Children's Ministry. We have 30 students from all across the country studying. After my class on door-to door evangelism, we took them out to practice. We had 10 teams go out in all different directions. By the end of the day, 69 people had prayed to receive Jesus and one person rededicated their life! The students were so excited about what had happened. They all kept thanking me afterwards for what I'd taught them.
In Africa, children's ministry is virtually non-existent. They don't believe children can be born- again so they don't "waste" time working with children. We are working to correct that thinking! 50-75% of the population of Africa are children, sot that's where the harvest is! By the end of the class on children's ministry every student vowed to begin some sort of work with children, and to try and change the nation's thinking about children's ministry!
Kid's Corner
Kid-wise, the most exciting thing that has happened since we last wrote was when Ty and Austin went to a sort of zoo and Ty tried to climb into the crocodile cage!
Thankfully, Brandt was able to stop him in time! He certainly keeps us on our toes!
I can't believe it's nearly Christmas again. Time sure does fly! We pray each of you has a wonderful, blessed Christmas. We so appreciate those of you who pray for us, encourage us, and support us. THANK YOU!
Please make financial support checks payable to AMA and mail to Agape Missionary Alliance,
P.O. Box 22007, Little Rock, AR 72221. Write PRINCE on the memo line.
Joyfully, Brandt, Pam, Austin and Ty
~~~~~
If you think about such things, you might find the link below interesting. It's a little late to influence your buying decision for Christmas 2004 (unless you haven't started your shopping yet!), but it just arrived in my e-mail today.
Businesses are listed by their contributions (dollars and percent) to which party in 2004. Since this site is called "Buy Blue", I assume it is set up to encourage Democrats to shun the "Red" companies and buy from the "Blue" companies, but the list could be used either way. Of course Blue shoppers stereo typically aren't Christmas shoppers anyway; they are Holiday shoppers.
http://buyblue.org/current-campaign.html
Thanks to Sam Boggs
~~~~~
Sheppard Software has a wonderful site for people who want to learn about (or just quiz your knowledge of) the states of the USA. In State Clues, you pick the state that goes with the clue, by region. State Capitals requires you to enter the first four letters of each state capital. And my favorite, Place the State, asks you to drag each state to its exact location on the map. No boundary lines are given!
http://www.sheppardsoftware.com/web-games.htm
~~~~~
Recipe - - Foolproof Standing Rib Roast - - Recipe courtesy Paula Deen
Difficulty: Easy
Prep Time: 10 minutes
Inactive Prep Time: 1 minute
Cook Time: 1 hour 30 minutes
Yield: 6 to 8 servings
User Rating: 5 Stars
1 (5-pound) standing rib roast
1 tablespoon House Seasoning, recipe follows
Allow roast to stand at room temperature for at least 1 hour.
Preheat the oven to 375 degree F. Rub roast with House Seasoning; place roast on a rack in the pan with the rib side down and the fatty side up. Roast for 1 hour. Turn off oven. Leave roast in oven but do not open oven door for 3 hours. About 30 to 40 minutes before serving time, turn oven to 375 degrees F and reheat the roast. Important: Do not remove roast or re-open the oven door from time roast is put in until ready to serve.
House Seasoning:
1-cup salt
1/4-cup black pepper
1/4-cup garlic powder
Mix ingredients together and store in an airtight container for up to 6 months.
http://www.foodnetwork.com/food/recipes/recipe/0,,FOOD_9936_20872,00.html
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Fans of garden tiller racing will have to wait a little longer to see their favorite sport on national television. The World Championship Rotary Tiller Race, held each June at the Emerson PurpleHull Pea Festival, was originally scheduled to be featured on the Discovery Channel's "Monster Nation" program Christmas Eve, but has now been delayed.
"The Discovery Channel has opted to run some special Christmas Eve programming," said Bill Dailey, spokesman for the festival. "The best information we have now is that the Monster Nation episode with the tiller races will be telecast twice on Jan. 20. We'll keep everybody updated."
The 2005 PurpleHull Pea Festival will be June 24 and 25, with the tiller race on Saturday, June 25.
~~~~~
Taking a trip to the library may take little more than a computer's Web browser. Working with major libraries, Google is hoping to scan millions of books and periodicals into its popular Internet search engine during the next several years as part of an effort to bring more of the world's collective knowledge online.
Material from the New York public library as well as libraries at four universities - Harvard, Stanford, Michigan and Oxford - will be indexed on Mountain View, Calif.-based Google under the ambitious initiative announced late Monday.
http://apnews.excite.com/article/20041214/D86VHULO5.html
~~~~~
This week we share some reruns from "Da Bleat" of December 22, Y2K;
~~~~~
Feel free to share the "Bleat" with any and all. That's why we publish it.
~~~~~
www.aaa.com Regular Mid Premium Diesel
Current Avg. $1.79 $1.90 $1.97 $2.058
http://www.fuelgaugereport.com/
Wal-Mart price today: $1.71
~~~~~
BREAKPOINT Commentaries
by Chuck Colson. - Prison Fellowship
Telling the Whole Truth
‘The Jesus We Preach at Christmas’
December 24, 2004
“Each year,” writes T. M. Moore in our latest BreakPoint Worldview Church e-newsletter, “as the Christmas season unfolds, it becomes increasingly clear that a large number of people in our society have got it all wrong.”
He’s not talking about the crass materialism that cheapens what C. S. Lewis insisted on calling our Feast of the Nativity—though that’s a big problem. Instead he’s concerned that, even in the Church, we present only half the message—the good news—while avoiding the bad news; “tidings of comfort and joy,” but not warnings of division and judgment.
“The Good News of Jesus Christ is only good to those who find favor with God, as the angels announced on that first Christmas morn,” writes Moore. He then goes on to say, “The Good News of the Christ-Child’s birth is really bad news for the devil and his troop, for those who cling to earthly relationships above all else, and for all who find in wealth and things the fulfillment of their highest hopes. For all these,” says Moore, “Christmas should come around each year with dread, fraught with warnings of judgment and calls to repentance.”
It’s bad news for the devil because the birth of the baby in Bethlehem “foreshadowed the victory of Christ on the cross” over the devil and his minions.
Second, says Moore, Christmas is “bad news for those who cling to human relationships.” Christmas is, to read the cards, about everyone just getting along. It’s about family and friends and being nice to the people who jostle you in the mall. As Moore puts it, “We want people to believe that, somehow, we can all just learn to get along in this world. We can be tolerant of one another, even if our toleration means confirming people in their lostness. And we use Christmas, of all times of the year, to promote this deception.” Christmas, says Moore, is instead a reminder that Jesus “came to divide humanity along the lines of faith, those who are uncompromisingly committed to following the Bethlehem Babe against those who are determined to be the masters of their own fates.”
Finally, says Moore, Christmas is bad news for “those who hope in wealth.” In a wealthy nation like ours when gifts are on most people’s minds, we forget the stern warnings Jesus gave about wealth. Moore writes, “We may try to deceive ourselves into thinking we can invest the greatest amount of our time, energy, creativity, and interest in making a good living, with just a pittance left over for the work of the Kingdom; but this is the devil’s lie, and we [become] his followers, not Christ’s, if we cling to it.”
Moore’s point comes down to this: Only when we know our need is Christ born with “tidings of great joy.” Forgiveness is available, real change is possible, and eternal life is promised to those who will receive Jesus. Repentance leads to rejoicing.
So instead of making a last trip to the mall this Christmas Eve, go home, reflect on the birth of Jesus, and share it with friends and family along with hugs, good food, and gifts. Christmas is deeper, more profound, and more surprising than we ever thought.
All of us here at BreakPoint wish you and yours a happy and blessed Christmas.
For further reading and information:
Please help support the work of the Wilberforce Forum and BreakPoint. Call 1-877-322-5527 to make a tax-deductible donation today. Or donate online .
T. M. Moore, “ The Jesus We Preach at Christmas ,” WorldviewChurch, December 2004.
Subscribe today to the free Worldview Church e-newsletter, and please tell others about it!
Michael Snyder, “ Holy Invasion ,” BreakPoint WorldView, December 2003.
Catherina Hurlburt, “ The Forgotten Mother ,” BreakPoint WorldView, May 2004.
BreakPoint Commentary No. 031224, “ The Most Shocking Story Ever Told: The ‘True Meaning of Christmas.’ ”
John Koessler, “ Why I Return to the Pews ,” Christianity Today, December 2004.
Charles Colson with Anne Morse, How Now Shall We Live? Devotional (Tyndale, 2004).
Copyright 2004 Prison Fellowship Ministries. Reprinted with permission. "BREAKPOINT with Chuck Colson" is a radio ministry of Prison Fellowship Ministries. Prison Fellowship Ministries may withdraw or modify this grant of permission at any time. To receive "BREAKPOINT" commentaries daily, you can subscribe for free at http://www. breakpoint. org/.
~~~~~
Words of the Week:
permeate: to spread or diffuse through.
germane: appropriate or fitting; relevant.
disconsolate: hopelessly sad; also, saddening; cheerless.
languid: lacking vigor or force.
etiolate: to blanch or bleach; to make sickly.
moil: to labor; to toil; to drudge.
exegesis: exposition; explanation.
cornucopia: the horn of plenty; also, an abundance.
from Dictionary.Com
~~~~~
"You give but little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give." - Kahlil Gibran
"Heap on more wood - the wind is chill;
But let it whistle as it will,
We'll keep our Christmas merry still." - Sir Walter Scott
"The aim of an argument or discussion should not be victory, but progress." - Joseph Joubert
"I prefer winter and fall, when you feel the bone structure in the landscape - the loneliness of it - the dead feeling of winter. Something waits beneath it - the whole story doesn’t show." - Andrew Wyeth
"America will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter, and lose our freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves." - Abraham Lincoln
"Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what's right." - Isaac Asimov
"Without heroes, we are all plain people and don't know how far we can go." - Bernard Malamute
"During times of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act." - George Orwell
~~~~~
FLASH CARD "Thought is only a flash between two long nights, but this flash is everything." (Jules-Henri Paunchier)
*****
FLASH CARD "No harm's done to history by making it something someone would want to read." (David McCollough)
*****
FLASH CARD "If, in some cataclysm, all of scientific knowledge were to be destroyed, and only one sentence passed on to the next generation of creatures, what statement would contain the most information in the fewest words? I believe it is the atomic hypothesis (or the atomic fact, if you wish to call it that) that all things are made of atoms -- little particles that move around in perpetual motion, attracting each other when they are a little distance apart, but repelling upon being squeezed into one another."
(Richard P. Feynman)
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GCF: Ten Dresses
Emailed to me from another humor list (Jokes & Trivia) -Tom To subscribe to Jokes & Trivia, send a blank email to: IwantTwisted@keepAhead.com
If this was forwarded to you, please consider your own subscription to Good Clean Fun. It's free! A smile will enhance the quality of your life.
Just send an email to: good-clean-fun-subscribe@yahoogroups.com or visit the Good Clean Fun web site http://www.slonet.org/~tellswor/ UNSUBSCRIBE INFO for Good Clean Fun is at the end of this email. This email was scanned by Norton AntiVirus 2004 before it was sent.
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My mom got mad at my dad the other day so she went shopping to relieve her irritation. When she returned home she informed him that she had purchased ten new dresses.
"Ten!" he hollered, "What could any woman want with ten new dresses??"
My mom calmly replied, "Ten new pairs of shoes."
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GCF: Airport Mistletoe
Emailed to me another humor list (Good Clean Funnies List) -Tom To subscribe The Good Clean Funnies List, (not to be confused with this list, which is Good Clean Fun) send an email to: gcfl-request@gcfl.net with subject = add
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It was the beginning of December. The trip had gone reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other hand had turned a tacky red and green with loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.
Going to check in his luggage, he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and "pointier" parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the lady attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."
"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."
(pause)
"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."
"That's not why it's there."
(pause)
"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"
"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."
------------------------------
For the curious who might not know of the "tradition" of kissing under the mistletoe, let me provide a tiny bit of history.
The history of kissing under the mistletoe means going back to ancient Scandinavia -- to custom and the Norse myths: "It was also the plant of peace in Scandinavian antiquity. If enemies met by chance beneath it in a forest, they laid down their arms and maintained a truce until the next day." This ancient Scandinavian custom led to mistletoe being a symbol of love, peace and goodwill. It may be that this embrace of goodwill among enemies eventually led to the traditional kiss under the mistletoe. Some cultures say that if a man kisses a woman while she is standing under mistletoe, it is a proposal of marriage! Most cultures around the world however, now just view a person standing under mistletoe as being available for a kiss!
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GCF: Letter From Mom
Emailed to me from another humor list (You Make Me Laugh) -Tom To subscribe to You Make Me Laugh, send a blank email to: SUBSCRIBE-laugh@lists.crosswalk.com
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When the man came home, his wife was crying. "Your mother insulted me," she sobbed.
"My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?" the man asked.
"I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious."
"And?"
"At the end of the letter she had written:
PS. Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son."
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GCF: Buying a Hat
Emailed to me from another humor list (The Funnies) -Tom To subscribe to The Funnies, send a blank email to: andychaps-the-funnies-subscribe@egroups.com
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My wife and I were visiting her 95-year-old grandfather when he asked us to take him to buy a new hat. My wife took me aside. "I'm worried that he doesn't have enough money, and he'll be very embarrassed," she said. So I asked the salesperson to tell my wife's grandfather that whichever hat he chose cost $15. I would pay the difference. Grandpa picked out a hat and was charged $15. After he left, I paid the other $45 of the price. Later Grandpa said, "What a bargain! The last one I bought there cost me $60.
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GCF: Politically Correct Holiday Greetings
From the Good Clean Fun Archives
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Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all;"
PLUS
"a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual orientation of the wisher."
(Disclaimer: By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher who assumes no responsibility for any unintended emotional stress these greetings may bring to those not caught up in the holiday spirit.)
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\\\\ \-/ / If you become dissatisfied \ \-/ ////
\ / and want to go back \ /
\ -/ to your youth, \- /
/ / just think of Algebra. \ \
/ / \ \
\\\\ \-/ / I wish the chemists who \ \-/ ////
\ / successfully removed the lead \ /
\ -/ from gasoline would try the \- /
/ / same with our congressmen. \ \
/ / \ \
\\\\ \-/ / \ \-/ ////
\ / Ambivalence may or \ /
\ -/ may not be my problem. \- /
/ / \ \
\\\\ \-/ / \ \-/ ////
\ / I hope they don't raise the \ /
\ -/ standard of living any higher. \- /
/ / I can't afford it now. \ \
/ / \ \
\\\\ \-/ / You know those wheezing and \ \-/ ////
\ / popping noises the refrigerator \ /
\ -/ makes? It just means that it's \- /
/ / making ice. I'm not getting old. \ \
I'm just making ice!
/ / \ \
\\\\ \-/ / \ \-/ ///// / \ \
/ )| Thomas S. Ellsworth |( \
/ / | tellswor@slonet.org | \ \
-( (- | http://www. slonet.org/~tellswor | -) )-
(((\ \>|-/ )---------------------( \-|
*** Good Clean Fun ***
Stop for a visit, leave with a smile! To join Good Clean Fun, email: good-clean-fun-subscribe@yahoogroups.Com To leave Good Clean Fun, email: good-clean-fun-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.Com Or visit the Good Clean Fun web site at http://www. slonet.org/~tellswor/
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[GCFL.net] Office Christmas Party
DATE: December 1st
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols ..feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
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DATE: December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas. >From now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanza at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung.
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
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DATE: December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange -- no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.
Pat Lewis, Human Researchers Director
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DATE: December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms.
Happy now?
Pat Lewis, Human Racehorses Director
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DATE: December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
People, people -- nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of
"Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."
Patricia Lewis, Human Rat Races
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DATE: December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Vegetarians -- I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream.
I'm hearing them right now.....
Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
The Witch
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DATE: December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness.
I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
We hope that this change does not offend anyone.
Terri Bishop
Acting Human Resources Director
-=+=-
[GCFL.net] Christmas Tree Shopping
Searching through row upon row of Christmas trees, my husband Norm and I picked one we liked. Then I noticed the one being held by a woman nearby "the" perfect tree. I watched as she carried it around the lot and couldn't believe my eyes when she set it aside.
I ditched ours and ran over to grab the coveted tree. "Aren't we lucky?" I said to Norm. "I do feel a little guilty, though, for taking it before she could change her mind."
"Don't worry," he replied. "She just ran over and snatched ours."
Received from Reader's Digest.
-=+=-
Brought to you by GCFL.net: The Good, Clean Funnies List "A cheerful heart is good medicine!" (Prov 17:22a) Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still are! GCFL.net: The Good, Clean Funnies List: Good, clean funnies five times a week, for free . . .AND NO ADS! The latest GCFL funny can always be found on the web at http://gcfl.net/archive/latest.php
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[GCFL] Santa Funnies
From: GCFL
What do they call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses
What do you call Santa Clause after he's fallen into a fireplace?
Krisp Kringle
Who sings "Love Me Tender," and makes Christmas toys?
Santa's little Elvis
Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most?
"Rude"olph
What did the Gingerbread Man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet
What reindeer has the cleanest antlers?
Comet
What is the cow's holiday greeting?
Mooooory Christmas
What does Santa like to eat?
A jolly roll
Where do Santa's reindeers like to stop for lunch?
Deery Queen
What does Santa say when he is sick?
OH OH NO!
If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?
Missile toe
How does Santa Claus take pictures?
With his North Pole-aroid.
What do you call the fear of getting stuck while sliding down a chimney?
Santa Claus-trophbia
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
Sandy Claus
The 3 stages of man:
He believes in Santa Claus.
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus.
Received from Mikey's Funnies.
-=+=-
Who can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid. Sing along with these new takes on old favorites:
* Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly
* We three kings of porridge and tar
* On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me
* Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.
* He's makin' a list, chicken and rice.
* Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel.
* With the jelly toast proclaim
* Olive, the other reindeer.
* Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say
* Sleep in heavenly peas
* In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown
* You'll go down in listerine
* Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay
* Come, froggy faithful
* You'll tell Carol, "Be a skunk, I require"
* Good tidings we bring to you and your kid
Received from Arline Burnell.
-=+=-
'Twas the week before Xmas, the sunlight was pale.
The presents I ordered are not in the mail.
The payments were made a full month in advance,
or early enough to leave little to chance.
When what to my wandering mind should transpire,
but the prospect of tag via telephone wire
with an answering service who doesn't know squat,
and an outstanding check, and a balance of WHAT?
It's too late to hassle, and nothing else works.
I can't send a present, for dealing with jerks.
But if the mail-order will get the stuff here,
I'll try to have something in time for next year.
Received from Keith Sullivan.
-=+=-
Roy Collette and his brother-in-law have been exchanging the same pair of pants as a Christmas present for 11 years-- and each time the package gets harder to open. This year the pants came wrapped in a car mashed into a 3-foot cube. The trousers are in the glove compartment of a 1974 Gremlin. Now Collette's plotting his revenge -- if he can get them out.
It all started when Collette received a pair of moleskin trousers from his brother-in-law, Larry Kunkel of Bensenville, Illinois. Kunkel's mother had given her son the britches when he was a college student. He wore them a few times, but they froze stiff in cold weather and he didn't like them. So he gave them to Collette. Collette, who called the moleskins "miserable," wore them three times, then wrapped them up and gave them back to Kunkel for Christmas the next year.
The friendly exchange continued routinely until Collette twisted the pants tightly, stuffed them into a 3-foot-long, 1-inch wide tube and gave them back to Kunkel. The next Christmas, Kunkel compressed the pants into a 7-inch square, wrapped them with wire and gave the "bale" to Collette. Not to be outdone, the next year Collette put the pants into a 2-foot-square crate filled with stones, nailed it shut, banded it with steel and gave the trusty trousers back to Kunkel.
The brothers agreed to end the caper if the trousers were damaged. But they were as careful as they were clever.
Kunkel had the pants mounted inside an insulated window that had a 20-year guarantee and shipped them off to Collette. Collette broke the glass, recovered the trousers, stuffed them into a 5-inch coffee can and soldered it shut. The can was put in a 5-gallon container filled with concrete and reinforcing rods and given to Kunkel the following Christmas. Two years ago, Kunkel installed the pants in a 225 pound homemade steel ashtray made from 8-inch steel casings and etched Collette's name on the side. Collette had some trouble retrieving the treasured trousers, but succeeded without burning them with a cutting torch.
Last Christmas, Collette found a 600-pound safe and hauled it to Viracon Inc. in Owatonna, where the shipping department decorated it with red and green stripes, put the pants inside and welded the safe shut. The safe was then shipped to Kunkel, who is the plant manager for Viracon's outlet in Bensenville.
Last week, the pants were trucked to Owatonna, 55 miles south of Minneapolis, in a drab green, 3-foot cube that once was a car with 95,000 miles on it. A note attached to the 2,000-pound scrunched car advised Collette that the pants were inside the glove compartment. "This will take some planning," Collette said.
"I will definitely get them out. I'm confident." But he's waiting until January to think about how to recover the bothersome britches.
"Wait until next year," he warned. "I'm on the offensive again."
(Found on the Internet)
-=+=-
The fight between good and evil, an epic battle: Darth Vader and Luke. Suddenly in the middle of the fight, Darth Vader pulls Luke to him, and whispers "I know what you're getting for Christmas!"
Luke exclaims "But how??!?"
"It's true Luke, *breathe* I know what you're getting for Christmas."
Luke tries to ignore this, but tears himself free, screaming "How could you know this?!"
Vader replies, "I felt your presents."
Received from PackyHumor (http://packyhumor.dardan.com)
-=+=-
[GCFL] Mid-life blues
Mid-life (for women) is....
Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.
Mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans...we are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.
Mid-life has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.
You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and you realize it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in film.
You know you've crossed the mid-life threshold when you're in the grocery store and you hear a Muzak version of "Stairway to Heaven" in the produce department.
Mid-life is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. (It's more like Splat!)
Mid-life brings the wisdom that life throws you curves...and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.
It's very hard to "get jiggy with it" in mid-life... jiggly, yes; jiggy, no.
Mid-life is when your 1970s Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-by-Rand McNally.(more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of the state of Wisconsin).
Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube to and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!"
Mid-life can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I have stretch marks?"
Mid-life is when your memory really starts to go. The only thing you still retain is water.
You become more reflective in mid-life. You start pondering the "big" questions-- what is life, why am I here...how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?
-=+=-
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one generation to the next, says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.
However, in modern business, because of the heavy investment factors to be taken into consideration, often other strategies have to be tried with dead horses, including the following:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Threatening the horse with termination.
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
7. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
8. Change the form so that it reads: "This horse is not dead."
9. Hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
10. Harness several dead horses together for increased speed.
11. Donate the dead horse to a recognized charity, thereby deducting its full original cost.
12. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
13. Do a time management study to see if the lighter riders would improve productivity.
14. Declare that a dead horse has lower overhead and therefore performs better.
15. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
Received from The Funnies list.
-=+=-
Johnny was at his first day of school. The teacher advised the class to start the day with the pledge of allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him.
He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..." When his eyes fell on Johnny, he noticed Johnny's hand over the right cheek of his bottom.
"Johnny, I will not continue till you put you hand over your heart."
Johnny replied, "It is over my heart."
After several attempts to get Johnny to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?"
"Because every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says, 'Bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie!"
Received from Andy's Archives.
-=+=-
My son, Mitchell, a kindergartner, practices spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom have been proudly displayed for all to see. One morning while getting ready for the day, Mitchell bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: "G"-"O"-"D"
"Look what I spelled, Mom!" Mitch exclaimed, a proud smile on his face.
"That's wonderful!" I praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight." That Catholic education is certainly having an impact, I thought, happily.
Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen. "Mom? How do you spell 'zilla?'"
Received from JokesEveryDay list.
-=+=-
The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.
"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. No, it's actually worse than that. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help.
What can I do?"
The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tones, "Pay me in advance."
Received from The Funnies.
-=+=-
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."
The attorney said, "Well, do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand. I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30." Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
Received from MIKEY'S FUNNIES.
-=+=-
A woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping center. Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line.
When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"
"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With a good tail wind and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time."
Received from Steven C. Sanderson.
-=+=-
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
Received from JokesEveryDay list.
-=+=-
Here are some conversations which had actually happened between help desk people and their
customers.
Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a
document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
-=+=-
Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24
hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
-=+=-
Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."
Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."
-=+=-
Customer: "Excuse me can I use this disk? It has a hole in it."
-=+=-
Tech Support: "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?"
Customer: "No, I only have 3 of them."
-=+=-
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until
this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
-=+=-
Customer: "Now what do I do?"
Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?"
Customer: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'"
Tech Support: "Ok, so type in your last name."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"
-=+=-
Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still
getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
Received from [avni] Funny-Files list.
-=+=-
Here are some more conversations which had actually happened between help desk people and
their customers.
Tech Support: "Is your computer on a separate telephone line?"
Customer: "No." (clicks the button to log on to our service)
Tech Support: "Well then we can't--"
Customer: "It says 'no dial tone'."
Tech Support: "That's because you're on the line with me right now.
You need to--"
Customer: "No, that's not it. It does this all the time. I just have
to try a few times, and it will let me through."
Tech Support: "No, ma'am. It's not even trying to dial right now
because you're on the phone with me."
Customer: "It must be busy. I'll try again later."
-=+=-
Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer "No."
-=+=-
Customer: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
-=+=-
Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can
you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
Tech Support: "Years of training..."
-=+=-
Tech Support: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer: "A white one."
-=+=-
Customer: "I'm going to be using Windows NT. Should I get the Server
or Workstation version?"
Tech Support: "Well, are you using it as a workstation or as a
server?"
Customer: "A server. So, which one do I get?"
Tech Support: "The server version perhaps?"
Customer: "Which one is that?"
Tech Support: "Windows NT Server."
Customer: "Ok, thanks."
-=+=-
Tech Support: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"
-=+=-
Customer: "I can't log in to my account."
Tech Support: "Ok, let's look at your configuration."
Customer: "Ok... but I know that my User ID is case sensitive."
Tech Support: "Yes it is. Ok, what does it say in the 'User ID'
field?"
Customer: "'Case Sensitive'."
-=+=-
Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery
store."
-=+=-
Tech Support: "What operating system are you running?"
Customer: "Pentium."
-=+=-
Tech Support: "What version of the Mac OS are you using?"
Customer: "Word 6.0."
-=+=-
Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"
-=+=-
Customer: "I don't need any of that SQL stuff -- I just want a
database!"
-=+=-
Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"
-=+=-
Customer: "I have a long distance modem."
-=+=-
Customer: "I don't have a space bar."
-=+=-
Customer: "Do I have to hit 'F' and '8' at the same time?"
Received from [avni] Funny-Files list.
-=+=-
My kindergarten-aged daughter suddenly announced just before school that she needed to take a clean tee shirt to class. She told us the teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message on it. My wife frantically swept through my daughter's room, finding nothing usable but one tee shirt that already had something printed on one side. She sent it off to school with my daughter.
That afternoon, my daughter returned and happily showed off her shirt.
On one side it said, "Families are Forever."
And on the other... "Be Smart, Don't Start."
Received from G-Jokes list.
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Flavor From the Holidays
by Craig Wilson (USA Today columnist)
I hate this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it's the season when the food police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds. You can't pick up a magazine without finding a list of holiday do's and don'ts. Eliminate second helpings, high calorie sauces and cookies made with butter, they say. Fill up on vegetable sticks, they say. Good grief. Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick? I didn't think so. Isn't mine, either. A carrot was something you left for Rudolph. I have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if you follow them, you'll be fat and happy. So what if you don't make if to New Year's? Your pants don't fit anymore, anyway.
1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmasspirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt Scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt Scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with Gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between Christmas and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. You can't leave them behind. You're not going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than on dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it all cost. I mean, have some standards, mate.
10. And one final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips. Start over. But hurry, Cookie-less January is just around the corner.
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
Christmas Pun & Riddles 12.22
From: SMILE A WHILE
HORRIBLE HOLIDAY PUN
Good King Wenceslas phoned Pizza Hut with his order.
"Will that be the usual?" the man asked.
"Yes: deep pan, crisp and even."
(submitted by Don Jeffers)
SANTA CLAUS RIDDLES
Q: What do you call the fear of getting stuck while sliding down a
chimney?
A: Santa Claus-trophbia.
Q: What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
A: Sandy Claus!
Q: If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?
A: Subordinate Claus.
Q: What do they call Santa's helpers?
A: Subordinate Clauses
Q: What do you call Santa Clause after he's fallen into a fireplace?
A: Krisp Kringle
Q: Who sings "Love Me Tender," and makes Christmas toys?
A: Santa's little Elvis
Q: Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most?
A: "Rude"olph
The 3 stages of man:
He believes in Santa Claus.
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus.
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
Carols for Psychologically Challenged 12.10
I've even sent this one to my counselor who has been helping me with my clinical depression (just so you all will know that I am NOT making fun of those with emotional-psychological disorders!) Pastor Roy ;-)
----------------------------
CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED
SCHIZOPHRENIA:
Do You Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
We Three Queens Disoriented Are
GRANDIOSE:
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
MANIC:
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...
PARANOID:
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.
PERSONALITY DISORDER:
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
SOCIOPATH:
Thoughts of Roasting You on an Open Fire...
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER:
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock...
Submitted by Doug Johnson to
Fishers Of Grin Presents Christian Humor's Joke Of The Day!
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
Hanukkah Funnies 12.20
And in honor of our Jewish friends and tomorrow....
TOP 8 REASONS TO LIKE HANUKKAH
8. No roof damage from reindeer.
7. Never a silent night when you're among your Jewish loved ones.
6. If someone messes up on their gift, there are seven more days to
correct it.
5. Betting Hanukkah gelt (the chocholate coins) on candle races.
4. You can use your fireplace.
3. Fun waxy buildup on the menorah.
2. Cheer optional.
1. No Irving Berlin songs.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THE EIGHT DAYS OF HANUKKAH
Note: The words "my true love" can be replaced with the Yiddish "mein Liebhen."
On the first night of Hanukkah my true love gave to me
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the second night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the third night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the fourth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
4 potato latkes
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the fifth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
5 bowls of chicken soup
4 potato latkes
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the sixth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
6 pickled herrings
5 bowls of chicken soup
4 potato latkes
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the seventh night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
7 noodle kugels
6 pickled herrings
5 bowls of chicken soup
4 potato latkes
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the eighth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
8 Alka- Seltzer
7 noodle kugels
6 pickled herrings
5 bowls of chicken soup
4 potato latkes
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
PS: For the Israeli version, substitute 1 Falafel ball , 2 spoons of Hummos, 3 liters of Tehina, 4 plates of salads, 5 glasses of eshkoliot (grapefruit juice), 6 bags of pita, 7 mouthfuls of ful and 8 greps
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SMILEAWHILE is a hobby of Dr. Roy Knight, pastor of the Epworth-Lauckport UMC in Parkersburg, WV. SMILEAWHILE is not intended to offend or ridicule anyone's religious tradition or faith. To subscribe or unsubscribe to this list, one must do so by contacting smileawhile3@juno.com. Remember Proverbs 17:22 - "A cheerful disposition is good for your health; gloom and doom leave you bone-tired!"
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
GCF: Santa's Reindeer
From: "Thomas S. Ellsworth"
Emailed to me by several friend (Thanks, Clarence/Ellen/Sarah) -Tom
If this was forwarded to you, please consider your own subscription to Good Clean Fun. It's free! A smile will enhance the quality of your life. Just send an email to: good-clean-fun-subscribe@egroups.com or visit the Good Clean Fun web site http://www.slonet.org/~tellswor/ Unsubscribe info for Good Clean Fun is at the end of this email.
---------------------------------------------------------------
GCF: Santa's Reindeer
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year (which are the only members of the deer family, Cervidae, to have females do so), Male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.
Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolf to Blitzen........had to be a female.
We should have known this when they were able to find their way.
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
Crosswalk - You Make Me Laugh:
The 3 stages of man:
He believes in Santa Claus.
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus.
but don't forget the 4th stage....
He LOOKS like Santa Claus.
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
Politically Correct Santa
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labour conditions at the North Pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the C.A.A.
And people had started to call for the copsv When they heard sled noises on their rooftops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows:
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd never a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passé;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even YOU.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
Tie Conspiracy
At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district court judge found a green tie that was a perfect match for one of her husband's sports jackets.
Soon after, while the couple was vacationing at a resort complex to get his mind off a rather complicated cocaine conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the design of the tie.
The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally suspicious that it might be a 'bug' planted by the conspiracy defendants. The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters In Washington, DC for analysis.
Two weeks later, the judge phoned the Washington office to learn the results of their tests.
"We're not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him, "but we discovered that when you press it, it plays 'Jingle Bells.'"
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
Take Out For Lunch
Planning a Christmas weekend of entertaining guests, I made a list of things I needed to do, including taking food out of the freezer and grocery shopping.
As it happened, a friend whom I had been promising to take to lunch asked if we could make it that Friday.
So, hopping into the car, I taped my "to do" list to the dashboard and went and picked her up.
As she settled into the car, her face dropped.
"Thanks a lot!" she sulked.
Then I glanced at my list and saw the first item: "Take out the Turkey."
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
Praying For Gifts
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas.
At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE..."
"I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO..."
"I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
*Eye Laugh*
"Minnesota Christmas"
http://www.cybersalt.org/go.php?id=cw364
"Snowman Nose"
http://www.cybersalt.org/go.php?id=cw362
"North Pole Changes"
http://www.cybersalt.org/go.php?id=cw358
"Splata Claus"
http://www.cybersalt.org/go.php?id=cw88
"Santa Pug"
http://www.cybersalt.org/go.php?id=cw355
Crosswalk
Daily devotionals are available at http://link.Crosswalk.Com/UM/T.asp?A1. 39. 17757. 1. 494611 You can access more information on Crosswalk's Fun page http://www.Crosswalk.Com/fun/! Crosswalk gives credit to the author of a joke when author is known. Feel free to send notification to admin@cybersalt.org in cases where credit has not been given to the author! -SUBSCRIPTION INFO- * Copyright2002 Crosswalk.Com, Inc. and its Content Providers. All rights reserved. Introducing www.Crossguide.Com Where Christians find Products, Services & Ministries.
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"Don't strive for recognition, but work for achievement." -- Vanessa Malone
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Madeleine Begun Kane Latest Columns - - http://www.thecarconnection.com/index.asp?article=274&n=163,220&sid=220 - - False Alarm "My husband Mark and I have a weekend hideaway, a respite from the pace of New York City life. Our country haven is smaller than most; it was once optimistically measured at 400 square feet..."
Madeleine Begun Kane, Humor Columnist
http://www.madkane.com
http://www.madkane.com/notable.html (Notables Weblog)
http://www.madkane.com/bush.html (Dubya's Dayly Diary)
Subscribe to MadKane Humor Newsletter (weekly) here:
http://www.madkane.com/email.html
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Banished Words List: 2004 - - http://www.lssu.edu/banished/archive/2004.php - - Hardly looking 'metrosexual,' a 'shocked and awed' Lake Superior State University Word Banishment selection committee emerged from its spider hole with its annual List of Words Banished from the Queen's English for Mis-Use, Over-Use and General Uselessness. LSSU has been compiling the list since 1976, choosing from nominations sent from around the world. This year, words and phrases were pulled from more than 5,000 nominations.
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"The brightest pulse of radiation ever seen has come from a pulsar nearly 12,000 light years away. Lasting less than 15 billionths of a second (15 nanoseconds), the burst was recorded by a massive radio telescope at Tidbinbilla in Australia. Although the star was discovered decades ago, it is only now that telescopes have become sensitive enough to record such a fleeting phenomenon. At the point where the pulse was emitted 'the electromagnetic field strengths would be capable of totally vaporising and ionising all known materials, shredding them into hot plasma', says Wayne Cannon of York University in Toronto, Canada, though the pulse was harmless by the time it reached Earth."
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America's Most Literate Cities 2004 - - http://www.uww.edu/npa/cities/ - - America's Most Literate Cities 2004 finds a statistical answer for 79 cities, drawing on numerous data sources to measure the public's propensity for reading. The information is complied from U.S. Census data, newspaper circulation rates, magazine publishing, educational attainment levels, library resources and booksellers.
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"U.S. high school students match their peers in other nations when it comes to math skills. But ask them to apply those skills to real-world situations and things begin to look a bit bleak, a new study suggests. The nation's 15-year-olds make a poor showing on a newly released international test of practical math applications, ranking 24th out of 29 industrialized nations, behind South Korea, Japan and most of Europe. U.S. students' scores were comparable to those in Poland, Hungary and Spain. Results of the test, known as the Program for International Student Assessment, were released December 6, 2004, by the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development, a group of industrialized nations. It's administered every three years, this time in 29 OECD nations and 10 others. This is the first time the test has included practical math applications."
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Winter Solstice - - http://www.infoplease.com/spot/wintersolstice1.html - - The precise moment of the 2004 winter solstice will be December 21, 2004 at 7:42 A.M. EST. The winter solstice marks the beginning of winter and is the shortest day and the longest night of the year.
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America's Library - - http://www.americaslibrary.gov/cgi-bin/page.cgi - - This Web site is brought to you from the Library of Congress in Washington, D.C., the largest library in the world and the nation's library. "We hope you will find this Web site entertaining and fun to use. And, of course, we hope you will learn something from it. The site was designed especially with young people in mind, but there are great stories for people of all ages, and we hope children and their families will want to explore this site together."
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"The construction of what will be the world's tallest building is set to begin in Dubai, United Arab Emirates. The building contract was awarded to a consortium led by the South Korean Samsung Corporation on December 9, 2004. he Burj Dubai tower will stand 800 metres tall - just 5 metres shy of half a mile - once completed in 2008. That will be a full 350 metres taller that the tallest floored in the world today, the Petronas Towers in Kuala Lumpur. The new tower s unique, three-sided design will ascend in a series of stages, around a supportive central core and boast a total of 160 floors, accessible via a series of double-decker elevators. Its shape will be integral to its impressive size. The design is intended to reduce the impact of wind and to reduce the need for a stronger core - allowing for more space - as it ascends."
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2004: The Holiday Season - - http://www.census.gov/Press-Release/www/releases/archives/facts-for-features- - - The holiday season, with its many traditions, family gatherings and general good feeling, will soon be upon us. To commemorate this time of year, the U.S. Census Bureau presents the following holiday-related facts and figures from its data warehouse.
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Medical Glossary - - http://www.medicalglossary.org/ - - This site is designed as a free, browsable resource. The medical terms and definitions are not intended to replace medical informaion provided by licensed healthcare professionals. Please see a doctor if you need medical assistance. The current list of medical terms is over 26,000. Data sources include the U.S. National Library of Medicine, 2004 Medical Subject Headings.
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"Taking a trip to the library may take little more than a computer's Web browser. Working with major libraries, Google is hoping to scan millions of books and periodicals into its popular Internet search engine during the next several years as part of an effort to bring more of the world's collective knowledge online. Material from the New York public library as well as libraries at four universities - Harvard, Stanford, Michigan and Oxford - will be indexed on Mountain View, Calif.-based Google under the ambitious initiative announced late December 13, 2004. The Michigan and Stanford libraries are the only two so far to agree to submit all their material to Google's scanners. The New York library is allowing Google to include a small portion of its books no longer covered by copyright while Harvard is confining its participation to 40,000 volumes so it can gauge how well the process works. Oxford wants Google Inc. to scan all its books originally published before 1901."
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Medical Dictionary - - http://www.medterms.com/script/main/hp.asp - - This site is an online medical dictionary containing easy-to-understand explanations of over 15,000 medical terms. This online medical dictionary provides quick access to hard-to-spell medical definitions through an extensive alphabetical listing.
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An Outline of the U.S. Economy - - http://usinfo.state.gov/products/pubs/oecon/ - - This report, released by the U.S. Department of State, charts the challenges and risks facing Americans and their economic well-being. The site examines how the American economy works, and explores how it evolved.
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"States that routinely deal with hurricanes and other natural disasters are better prepared than others to handle bioterrorism, but overall the nation is struggling to develop plans for public health emergencies. Florida and North Carolina, both familiar with evacuating residents and distributing emergency aid, received top rankings in a study by the private Trust for America's Health. Alaska and Massachusetts got the lowest ratings, despite infusions of federal aid designed to improve emergency responsiveness. Overall, the report found that states are slowly becoming better prepared to handle bioterror, but most still lack statewide response plans. Federal planning money is declining. The report echoed fears voiced by Health and Human Services Secretary Tommy Thompson, in announcing his resignation this month, that he couldn't understand why terrorists haven't attacked the country's food supply because it would be 'so easy to do.' "
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Today in History: December 25 - - http://memory.loc.gov/ammem/today/dec25.html - - On December 25, Christians around the world celebrate the birth of Christ. The origins of the holiday are uncertain; by the year 336, however, the Christian church in Rome observed the Feast of the Nativity on December 25. At that time, Christmas coincided with the winter solstice and the Roman Festival of Saturnalia. Today, observations of Christmas incorporate the secular and religious traditions of many cultures, from the ancient Roman practice of decorating homes with evergreens and exchanging gifts at the New Year to the Celtic Yule log.
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How Christmas Works - - http://www.howstuffworks.com/christmas.htm - - For hundreds of millions of people around the world, Christmas is the biggest holiday of the year. Have you ever wondered where traditions like Santa Claus come from? Find out at this How Stuff Works site. Related sites: How Christmas Lights Work - - http://www.howstuffworks.com/christmas-lights.htm / How Mistletoe Works - - http://www.howstuffworks.com/mistletoe.htm
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"On a trip on the Tokyo subway last year, almost everyone ignored the young man talking on one wireless phone, messaging with another and juggling a third. Such cell phone overload would almost certainly get noticed in the United States, which lags the rest of the developed world in wireless use. An estimated 57 percent of the U.S. population chats on wireless phones - not much greater than the percentage of wireless phone users in much poorer Jamaica, where 54 percent of the people have mobile phones, according to the International Telecommunications Union. By comparison, in Hong Kong there are 105.75 mobile subscribers for every 100 inhabitants. In Taiwan, there are 110."
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Our Church, Magnolia Christian Center, has the following mission statement. Our purpose is to build a great church for the glory of God through the great commission and the great commandment. MCC' Vision - That MCC will be a place hopping with children, energized with teenagers, balanced with diversity and transformed by the power of God! We want to turn uninterested people into interested people and win the lost to make fully devoted followers of Christ.
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The Twelve Days Of Christmas
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
(Gretchen Passantino)
Many people know the opening lyrics to "The Twelve Days of Christmas." But few know that behind the somewhat silly counting song is essential Christian doctrine.
The song was composed by Catholics in England during the 16th century, who were forbidden by law to practice their Catholic faith. The only legal church in England was the state church. To teach their children basic doctrine, they used nonsense songs that would not raise the suspicions of the non-Catholics around them, but would remind the children of their faith. The explanation of the twelve days is below.
On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
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The first day of the Christmas celebration is counted from December 26, the day after Christmas, to January 6, the traditional day for celebrating the coming of the wise men to worship Jesus, also called the day of "Epiphany".
A partridge in a pear tree.
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The mother partridge will lure enemies away from her nest of defenseless chicks in order to protect them. She will literally risk her life for her children. The partridge in this song is a hidden reference to Christ, who declared, "I lay down my life for the sheep" (John 10:14-15). Jesus himself uses a bird analogy in Matthew 23:37:
"O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing."
The pear tree symbolizes the cross, a literary usage called metonymy, whereby a thing is signified by a part or a whole of that thing. Jesus was crucified on a "tree," Paul says (Gal. 3:13); that is, a cross made out of a tree.
Two turtle doves
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The turtle doves stand both for the two testaments in the Bible (Old and New), but also, according to some traditions, the two turtle doves offered at Jesus' dedication in the Temple when he was twelve (Lev. 12:8; Luke 2:24). All of the temple sacrifices are symbolic of the one sacrifice Christ made by giving his life as a just payment for the sins of all (Heb. 10:1-10).
Three French Hens
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French Hens were very expensive during the 16th century, and thus are symbolic of the three costly gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh given by the wise men (Matt. 2:10-11). An alternate significance is symbolism depicting the value of the three Christ virtues, faith, hope, and charity (sacrificial love) (1 Cor. 13:13). Other forms of the song use the French Hens to symbolize the three persons of the trinity.
Four Calling Birds
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The Calling Birds stand for the four gospels, Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John (see John 20:30-31).
Five Golden Rings
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The Rings stand for the first five books of the Old Testament, the "law of Moses" so often referenced in scripture, the "Torah" as they are called by Jews. The Torah tells the story of man's fall into sin and reconciliation through the Messiah (see Luke 24:25-27).
Six Geese A-laying
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Eggs are an almost universal symbol of new life. The "laying" geese, therefore, stand for the six days of creation (Gen. 1:31-2:2).
Seven Swans a Swimming
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The swans symbolize the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit listed in Romans 12:6-8:
"...We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously, if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully."
Eight Maids A-milking
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The maids who milked the cows were the least of the servants in a home. Their job symbolized Christ's faithfulness even to us who don't deserve his love (Rom. 5:1-5). The eight maids stand for the eight "beatitudes" or blessings listed in Matthew 5:3-10:
"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.
Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."
Nine Ladies Dancing
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The nine ladies remind us of the nine "fruits of the Spirit" described in Galatians 5:22-23:
"...But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control."
Ten Lords A-leaping
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Lords established the law in their own jurisdictions. The Lords stand for the Ten Commandments (Ex. 20:3-17), which are holy and good, by which we should live, and by which we are justly condemned because of our sin (Gal. 3:10-28).
Eleven Pipers Piping
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The Pipers remind us of the eleven original apostles who did not forsake the faith (Acts 1:13) as Judas did in betraying Christ (John 17:12); and through whom the good news of the gospel was preached "to the whole world" (Matt. 28:19; Rom. 10:18-21).
Twelve Drummers Drumming
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The Apostles' Creed is one of the earliest "confessions" of faith that summarize the basic teachings of biblical Christian faith. Orthodox confessions are not meant to add to or replace scripture, but to summarize its teachings. They can be recited at will to remind us of the basics of the Christian faith. The Drummers "set the pace," reminders of what we believe by symbolizing the twelve doctrines summarized in the Apostles' Creed:
I believe in God the Father, maker of heaven and earth.
I believe in Jesus Christ, his only Son, our Lord,
Who was conceived by the Holy Spirit, born of the Virgin Mary.
He suffered under Pontius Pilate, we crucified, died, and was buried.
He descended into hell; the third day he rose from the dead.
He ascended into heaven and sits at the right hand of God, the Father Almighty.
He shall return to judge the living and the dead.
I believe in the Holy Spirit,
The holy Christian church, the communion of saints,
The forgiveness of sins,
The resurrection of the body,
And life everlasting.
Copyright © Gretchen Passantino All Rights Reserved
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Why Jesus is Better Than Santa Claus
From: "Ben & Trina Montgomery"
Is this the truth, or what?!?!?!
WHY JESUS IS BETTER THAN SANTA CLAUS
Santa lives at the North Pole ...
JESUS is everywhere.
Santa rides in a sleigh ...
JESUS rides on the wind and walks on the water.
Santa comes but once a year ...
JESUS is an ever present help.
Santa fills your stockings with goodies ...
JESUS supplies all your needs.
Santa comes down your chimney uninvited ...
JESUS stands at your door and knocks, and then enters your heart when invited.
You have to wait in line to see Santa...
JESUS is as close as the mention of His name.
Santa lets you sit on his lap ...
JESUS lets you rest in His arms.
Santa doesn't know your name, all he can say is "Hi little boy or girl, what's your name?" ...
JESUS knew our name before we did. Not only does He know our name, He knows our address too. He knows our history and future and He even knows how many hairs are on our heads.
Santa has a belly like a bowl full of jelly ...
JESUS has a heart full of love.
All Santa can offer is HO HO HO ...
JESUS offers health, help and hope.
Santa says "You better not cry" ...
JESUS says "Cast all your cares on me for I care for you."
Santa's little helpers make toys ...
JESUS makes new life, mends wounded hearts, repairs broken homes and builds mansions.
Santa may make you chuckle but ...
JESUS gives you joy that is your strength.
While Santa puts gifts under your tree...
JESUS became our gift and died on a tree.
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Revolution 5 --- Let the Revolution Begin
From: jimmy malone
We live today in a parallel world. A world where what we see and what we can not see intertwine. In Hebrews 11, Paul tells us that the things which are seen were made by the things which we can not see. This is the secret of the Kingdom of God.
The things we see are subservient to the things we can not...the natural comes from the spiritual. Creation came from the Word of God spoken by faith. Let there be...and He hung the Earth on nothing, flung the stars into space, and did in a breath what Darwin could only dream of in a billion years. What is space? We often, as humans, think of creation in terms of empty space becoming full space, just like writing this article, filling a blank medium. But who made the medium? Why do we assume space MUST have been here. Space, time, height, depth...all are created things.
Where do wars and pestilence and pain come from? From sin, a spiritual 'disease' which was loosed upon us by Adam and whose flames are fanned by satan, a renegade spirit. We are sold under sin. The creation was turned over to Adam, and he turned over his authority to satan by rebelling against God. The snare of sin, like a spiritual ebola, spread to all mankind.
If God is so good, then why all the pain? Sin. If God has a plan for my life, why don't I see it? Sin. Sin kills. It eats us from the inside out, often taking years to show it's hideous work. What's the cure? The blood of Jesus.
Why? Because the Holy Spirit brooded over Mary the same way Genesis tells us He brooded over creation in the beginning, to bring about the Word of God. So Jesus was born of God, not of flesh. He was the Word made flesh. He was free from the curse of sin. But He tasted death for every man. He who knew no sin was made to BE sin for us. He literally took the wrath and punishment of God for us. He was treated as our sin and dealt with accordingly. He was not pretending or just sympathizing. He entered into the spiritual realm and paid Adam's debt. The chains of slavery to sin were broken when He rose from the dead, having paid our debt in full. But why do we still, two thousand years later, see sin worse than ever. Choice.
We are told to choose...life or death. Life is in surrender to Christ. Peace, joy, a new birth, a new spiritual ressurection where the life of Christ enters your spirit and you really LIVE. What looks like life is often a lie. We assume we are alive, just because we exist. But the true source of life is a relationship with a knowable God, who is not hiding from us. He revealed himself in Christ, recorded by inspired words of Godly men, and wooing us still by His Holy Spirit.
Refuse Christ, refuse life. The message of hope is simple: REPENT OR PERISH.
The only way in is to die to your will and give yourself heart, soul, and body to Christ. Those who take this narrow road find the joy of all creation. They are free.
The door to the gulag has been left open. The fence has been cut. The bonds are loosed. the captors have been destroyed. All we have to do is run into the arms of our Savior, and run into the streets proclaiming this freedom to our lost comrades.
LET THE REVOLUTION BEGIN.
Happy Holidays!
jhmj
P.S. If anyone has any questions or comments, feel free to send them.
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[GCFL] A Heartwarming One For Christmas
From: GCFL
GCFL wishes all our readers a Merry Christmas!
When I was a child of about twelve years old, we had a Christmas that I have never forgotten. We grew up in humble means to say the least, but we generally always had one or two gifts under the tree even if they were only socks and underwear.
During this particular Christmas, by good fortune we had many gifts. For the first time in a long time, we received a lot of the things we actually wanted. I was one of seven children, so this was a very big deal. We were all so excited and could hardly wait until Christmas morning.
However, on that Christmas Eve, after careful reflection and much heated discussion, my father decided that it was much too much, and that in this frenzy that we had lost the true meaning of Christmas.
With much trepidation, we were instructed to hand over all but one of our unopened gifts. There was some crying, some anger, some shock and disbelief. What happened next truly astounded us. My father loaded all those gifts into his truck and we all piled in. We went from house to house in our community and handed out our things. Some of the families we knew, some we didn't. All were as poor as we were. Some had no gifts except for ours. As that truck rounded corner after corner, slowly, very slowly, the anger left. The shock and disbelief vanished and were replaced with a different sort of emotion. We all started to feel a overwhelming sense of joy in this service. The mark that this experience left on our lives has changed the way we look at Christmas forever.
Never before had I grasped what Christmas was truly about. It is about unselfish giving. Not of toys or gifts, but giving of ourselves. It was of Christ who would gave the ultimate gift of eternal life.
That experience taught us that at the celebration of his birth, our "giving" should reflect his ultimate sacrifice. He gave the whole of his life in our service and for our sake showing us His love. Hence the best gift we can give to others at Christmas is our time, sharing our talents, and genuine love, as acts of kindness.
Received from Dr. Scott Brooksby.
-=+=-
Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still are! The Good, Clean Funnies List: Good, clean funnies five times a week, FOR FREE! ... AND NO ADS IN THE MAILINGS! The latest GCFL funny can always be found on the web at http://www.gcfl.net/archive/latest.html For subscription and other information, go to our web page at http://www.gcfl.net, or send email to gcfl-info@gcfl.net. A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a) http://www.GCFL.net/cgi-bin/gcflweb.cgi?remove
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Paul Harvey says:
"I don't believe in Santa Claus, but I'm not going to sue somebody for singing a Ho-Ho-Ho song in December.
I don't agree with Darwin, but I didn't go out and hire a lawyer when my high school teacher taught his theory of evolution.
Life, liberty or your pursuit of happiness will not be endangered because someone says a 30-second prayer before a football game.
So what's the big deal? It's not like somebody is up there reading the entire book of Acts. They're just talking to a God they believe in and asking him to grant safety to the players on the field and the fans going home from the game.
"But it's a Christian prayer," some will argue. Yes, and this is the United States of America, a country founded on Christian principles. According to our very own phone book, Christian churches outnumber all others better than 200-to-1. So what would you expect-somebody chanting Hare Krishna? If I went to a football game in Jerusalem, I would expect to hear a Jewish prayer.
If I went to a soccer game in Baghdad, I would expect to hear a Muslim prayer. If I went to a ping pong match in China, I would expect to hear someone pray to Buddha. And I wouldn't be offended. It wouldn't bother me one bit. When in Rome..
But what about the atheists?" is another argument. What about them? Nobody is asking them to be baptized.. We're not going to pass the collection plate. Just humor us for 30 seconds.. If that's asking too much, bring a Walkman or a pair of ear plugs. Go to the bathroom. Visit the concession stand. Call your lawyer!
Unfortunately, one or two will make that call. One or two will tell thousands what they can and cannot do. I don't think a short prayer at a football game is going to shake the world's foundations.
Christians are just sick and tired of turning the other cheek while our courts strip us of all our rights. Our parents and grandparents taught us to pray before eating, to pray before we go to sleep.
Our Bible tells us to pray without ceasing. Now a handful of people and their lawyers are telling us to cease praying. God, help us.
And if that last sentence offends you, well..........just sue me.
The silent majority has been silent too long. it's time we let that one or two who scream loud enough to be heard, that the vast majority don't care what they want.. it is time the majority rules!
It's time we tell them, you don't have to pray.. you don't have to say the pledge of allegiance, you don't have to believe in God or attend services that honor Him. That is your right, and we will honor your right.. but by golly, you are no longer going to take our rights away. we are fighting back.. and we WILL WIN!
God bless us one and all, especially those who denounce Him... God bless America, despite all her faults, she is still the greatest nation of all.....
God Bless our service men and women who are fighting to protect our right to pray, worship God and celebrate His Son's Birthday...
This is Paul Harvey... good day!
Thanks to Dana / Songwriters
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TGIF-Today God Is First
The High Places
Friday, December 24, 2004
by Os Hillman
Blessed are you, O Israel! Who is like you, a people saved by the Lord? He is your shield and helper and your glorious sword. Your enemies will cower before you, and you will trample down their high places. ~ Deuteronomy 33:29
One of the most successful movies of our time has been Star Wars, a futuristic movie where the forces of good battle the forces of evil in a far-off galactic solar system. In order for the forces of good to win their battle, they must enter the airspace of their enemies and find the central power source inside the enemy space station. Their fighter jets must locate this central nervous system and fire a laser missile into its heart in order to destroy the power source. The final scene shows the hero sending a last-minute laser missile into the power source and blowing up the space station and all the evil characters who live on it.
Throughout history, cultures have recognized idols on the high places, on the tops of hills or mountains, as their power sources. God said these high places are an abomination to Him. When God brought the people of Israel into the Promised Land, He instructed them to destroy all the high places. Many times through history, God had to judge Israel for their failure to destroy the high places.
Today, every major cult or evil spirit has its own high place that must be destroyed first before a righteous foundation can be laid. It may not mean you can physically destroy this high place, but you can tear it down through spiritual warfare and intercessory prayer.
High places are anything that is elevated above God and is worshiped. Are there any high places that take the place of God in your life? Are there any high places where you live that must be dealt with through spiritual warfare to allow the Kingdom of God to reign? You must destroy the high places in order for God to reign completely. Ask God to show you the high places so that you can elevate the one true God.
Os Hillman Copyright 2004
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NewsScan Daily, 2004 ("Above The Fold")
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NewsScan Daily is underwritten by RLG, a world-class organization making significant and sustained contributions to the effective management and appropriate use of information technology. NSD is written by John Gehl and Suzanne Douglas, editors@NewsScan.Com.
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SEASON'S GREETINGS!
We would like to wish a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, and all other seasonal greetings to our good friends in the NewsScan community: Christians, Jews, Muslims, Nonbelievers, Hindus, Shintoists, Buddhists and all other people of good will. We will also take this occasion to wish everyone a very happy new year.
We want at this time to give special thanks at this time to our wonderful colleagues Lisa Currin, Jim Doyle, Igor Grebert, Ellen Hogan, Jivko Koltchev, Vladimir Kussakov, Tom McKay, Laura Murnane-Gordon, and Robin Perry. Igor, Jivko and Vlad, in Santa Clara, California, provide us with their technical wizardry; the others work with us on various NewsScan projects. Lisa is in Long Island; Jim in Atlanta, Georgia; Ellen in Tampa, Florida; Tom in Kennebunk, Maine; Laura in College Park, Maryland; and Robin in Austin, Texas. It's a virtual world, and we love it.
Finally, we'd like to take this occasion to express our appreciation to a few other special supporters and friends of NewsScan: Jim Michalko, Linda West, Anne Van Camp, Jennifer Hartzell, and Kevin Opstedal of RLG; Mark Mandelbaum and John White of ACM; Pete Burke of BurkeFirm; Drew Thoeni and Kathy Shearin of Navigy; Peter Denning of the Naval Postgraduate School; our indefatigable security consultants Chey and Stephen Cobb; Espen Andersen, Mich Kabay, John Stuckey and Arun Tripathi; and finally to our old friends Brian Williams and Michael Elliott, who led their respective organizations to become the original sponsors of NewsScan Daily when we first launched in May 1999.
(And, by the way, our four-year relationship with the good people of RLG comes to a close at the end of this coming February -- so please let us know if your organization has any interest in underwriting NewsScan Daily.)
Happy Holidays to all! Our next issue will be January 3rd, 2005.
-- John and Suzanne
APPLE SUES 'TIGER' TESTERS OVER LEAKS
Apple has sued three members of the Apple Developer Connection for releasing preview versions of its latest Mac OSX, code-named Tiger, onto file-sharing sites. "Members of Apple Development Connection receive advance copies of Apple software under strict confidentiality agreements, which we take very seriously to protect our intellectual property," said Apple in a statement. The Apple Development Connection is a group of software programmers who have access to text versions of Apple software in order to tweak their own applications to work with Apple systems. The Tiger software was apparently leaked onto sites that use BitTorrent technology, which does not actually host the files being shared, but rather hosts a link that points users toward others who have the file sought. Last week, the Motion Picture Association of America launched a legal campaign against such sites, noting that they've been used for illegal sharing of movie files. (BBC News 22 Dec 2004)
EU COURT RULES AGAINST MICROSOFT
A European Union judge today ruled that Microsoft must immediately submit to sanctions imposed by EC regulators after they found that Microsoft broke antitrust laws by integrating its Windows Media Player into Windows, thus putting rival media software companies at a disadvantage. Microsoft had appealed the initial decision, arguing that pulling Media Player out of Windows would degrade its performance, but in today's ruling, Chief Judge Bo Vesterdorf of the Court of First Instance found that postponing sanctions would give Microsoft time to strengthen its grip on the market for media playing applications. Microsoft must now create two versions of Windows for European distribution -- one that contains Media Player and one without. Microsoft announced it would comply while contemplating its next legal move. (Washington Post 22 Dec 2004)
JUDGE REJECTS GUILTY PLEA IN AOL SPAM CASE
A federal judge in New York has refused to accept a guilty plea from a former AOL software engineer accused of stealing 92 million subscriber e-mail addresses and selling them to spammers. Judge Alvin Hellerstein said he was not convinced that Jason Smathers had actually committed a crime under the new "CAN-SPAM" legislation passed by Congress this fall. The technicality hinges on whether Smathers deceived anyone -- a requirement of the CAN-SPAM law. "Everybody hates spammers, there's no question about that," said Hellerstein, who told federal prosecutor David Siegal: "I'm not prepared to go ahead, Mr. Siegal. I need to be independently satisfied that a crime has been created." Prosecutors allege that Smathers sold the list to Las Vegas resident Sean Dunaway, who then resold it to spammers, netting Smathers more than $100,000 from the deal. (Wall Street Journal 21 Dec 2004)
BROADBAND SURPASSES DIALUP IN THE U.S.
The number of broadband Internet connections in U.S. households has finally surpassed that of dialup, accounting for 53% of residential users in October according to Nielsen/NetRatings. The prevalence of "always-on" broadband leads to higher usage rates as high-speed users subscribe to the practice of "infosnacking," says AOL executive VP Jim Bankoff: "People are more able and willing to just walk up to the Internet to get a quick snippet of what they need, send a quick e-mail, read a quick news article, check a sports score." That instant availability has changed communal behavior, says Lee Rainie, director of the Pew Internet & American Life Project. Family members arguing over a point are more apt to "look it up online rather than continue to yell at each other," says Rainie, who notes his high-speed bandwidth at home has also changed his offline behavior -- he gets to the office late and leaves early in order to avoid rush-hour traffic, knowing that he can accomplish what he needs to do in his hours at home. (AP 21 Dec 2004)
BLOCKBUSTER CUTS PRICES, UPPING THE ANTE IN DVD RENTAL BIZ
Blockbuster has slashed the price on its online DVD rental service by $2.50, to $14.99 a month, in a move that reflects the increasingly cutthroat competition in the market. Rival Netflix had recently lowered its price to $17.99 a month and Wal-Mart charges $17.36 a month. Subscriptions at all three companies entitle customers to unlimited rentals, three movies at a time, no due dates and no late fees or postage charges. Blockbuster says by mid-January, its online unit will have 23 distribution centers, more than double its capacity in August 2004, when it launched the service. (Reuters/CNet News.com 22 Dec 2004)
EBAY PROTESTS EXECUTIVE'S ARREST IN INDIA
EBay is outraged by the arrest of Avnish Bajaj, the Indian-born and Harvard-educated chief of the company's India auction site Baazee.com, in a case involving the sale of a video clip of a teenage couple engaged in illicit acts. EBay says the video clip was never shown on the site and that the seller had merely offered it to buyers with a description of its content, but the law under which the arrest makes publishing or transmitting obscene material in any electronic form punishable by up to five years in jail. (New York Times 21 Dec 2004)
AUTOMATED MEDICATION WORSE THAN THE DISEASE?
A report from U.S. Pharmacopeia (USP), a nonprofit group that sets standards for the drug industry, says that as more hospitals have implemented automated systems for administering drugs the number of errors associated with them has risen. USP vice president Diane Cousins says, "It would seem logical that applying computer technology to the medication use process would have a significant positive impact in preventing medication errors. Yet, depending on the computer's design or user competence, new points of potential errors can emerge." Kenneth Kizer of the National Quality Forum agrees with Cousins: "Technology offers great opportunity to reduce errors, but it's not a panacea. You can't just throw a computerized system in and expect that everything's fixed. It has to be done right. The technology is only as good as the people who use it." (Washington Post 20 Dec 2004)
CHINATECH ON THE RISE
Journalist Evan Ramstad notes that China's 250 million users (about one-fifth of the country's total population) far surpass those of any other country and that China's technological rise is happening faster than it did elsewhere in Asia: "China passed the U.S. in unit consumption of TV sets two years ago as household penetration of TVs passed 90%, closing in on the near ubiquity of TVs in developed countries. If population trends hold, China is unlikely to be challenged as the world's largest market for TVs until the middle of the century, when India is expected to become the most populous country. And when final figures emerge shortly, we're likely to learn that China passed the U.S. this year as the world's top PC maker, another change unlikely to be challenged for years to come." (Wall Street Journal 20 Dec 2004)
BATTLE IN BANGALORE: MICROSOFT WINS
Microsoft has won a battle against open source software supporters in Bangalore, India, a high-tech hub whose local authorities have selected Microsoft as their vendor of choice software for networking the state's utilities and services in an e-governance project for the 55 million people of Karnataka state. Microsoft sold software at 45 percent of the market price to the private company executing the Bangalore project, a move the company's critics derided as merely a trick to tie large populations to proprietary software. Defending his decision to choose Microsoft, Indian official Rajiv Chawla points out that Microsoft is "quite popular even in villages," and adds: "Let open source become so popular, then we will have no problem using it." (AP/San Jose Mercury News 20 Dec 2004)
CONROVERSY OVER WIRELESS PHONE DIRECTORY
Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal wants the cellular phone industry to discard its plans to create a directory assistance system for wireless phone numbers because there are "too many unknowns and dangers and too few protections at this point." But Kathleen Pierz, a Michigan analyst specializing in directory assistance counseling, says there are plenty of safeguards: "This is so buttoned up from a customer point of view, people don't have to worry. Blumenthal fears that a list of wireless numbers would inevitably be sold to telemarketers: "If the lists are there, they will be sold. They are so valuable. No cell phone company will resist the temptation to sell those lists for the huge profits." Pierz, however, points out that there is no marketing value to such lists because of existing federal laws preventing entities from calling a cell phone. (AP/USA Today 21 Dec 2004)
TWO-HEADED CHIPS
Leading semiconductor companies Intel and AMD will soon be selling two-headed microprocessors, a development Bernard Myderson of IBM calls "a seminal shift" for the chip industry. Although two-headed chips won't run as fast as single-engine ones they'll require less power and will be able to handle more work simultaneously. Intel senior fellow Justin Rattner explains: "What's going on inside of the machine is a bit of a juggling act. You've got that one engine doing a little bit of each one of those things, and it appears to users that they're all happening at once."(AP 21 Dec 2004)
JUDGE SLAMS SPAMMERS WITH $1-BILLION JUDGMENT
A federal judge in Iowa has awarded a small ISP more than $1 billion in damages in what's believed to be the largest judgment ever against spammers. The case was brought by Robert Kramer, whose company provides e-mail service to about 5,000 customers, and who filed suit after his inbound mail servers were jammed with as many as 10 million spam-mails a day in 2000. Citing federal racketeering laws (RICO) and the Iowa Ongoing Criminal Conduct Act, U.S. District Judge Charles R. Wolle ordered AMP Dollar Savings of Mesa, Ariz., to pay $720 million; Cash Link Systems of Miami, Fla., $360 million; and TEI Marketing Group, also of Florida, $140,000. "It's definitely a victory for all of us that open up our e-mail and find lewd and malicious and fraudulent e-mail in our boxes every day," said Kramer, who is unlikely to ever collect on the judgments. (AP/Wall Street Journal 20 Dec 2004)
SPRINT LAUNCHES STREAMING MUSIC SERVICE
Sprint is launching a new service that streams music over the airwaves to cell phones, marking the first time such service is offered in the U.S. (Similar services are gaining traction in Europe and Asia, where wireless networks have already been upgraded.) For an extra $6 a month, Sprint customers can choose among six channels, organized by genre, as well as some music videos and artist interviews. "It's like radio in the sense that now you have access to music wherever you are," says Dave Del Beccaro, CEO of Music Choice, which is partnering with Sprint on the service. "But it's better than radio. It's a subscription service, and commercial-free." The move is part of a larger trend among wireless carriers and record labels "to turn the humble mobile phone into a kind of iPod on steroids," and comes on the heels of the launch of Sprint's Vision packages, which include access to streamed TV stations, news and other entertainment. (CNet News.com 19 Dec 2004)
COMMODORE ON A CHIP
A self-taught computer chip designer in rural Oregon has managed to squeeze the entire circuitry of an old Commodore 64 PC onto a single chip, which she has incorporated into a joystick that connects by cable to a TV set, giving users access to 30 vintage video games -- mostly sports, racing and puzzle games from the early '80s. The device requires no separate game cartridges -- all the entertainment is in the joystick. Designer Jeri Ellsworth says her first venture into toy making hasn't made her a mint, "but I'm having fun." Ellsworth's efforts in reverse-engineering old computers and giving them new life through custom chips has generated a cult following among "retro" PC enthusiasts, as well as a number of job offers from people impressed with her passion. "It's possible to get a credential and not have passion," says Rapport Inc. CEO Andrew Singer, who compares her to Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak and Macintosh designer Burrell Smith, neither of whom had formal training when they made their mark in computer design. The $30 Commodore 64 joystick is being marketed by Mammoth Toys, and has been a big hit on the QVC Web site. (New York Times 20 Dec 2004)
ULTRA-REAL SIMULATION FROM THE U.S. MILITARY
The Army's Joint Fires and Effects Trainer Systems (JFETS) offers U.S. military personnel ultra-real simulation training through its "Urban Terrain Module" and "Outdoor Terrain Module" exercises. Since September, more than 300 officers have trained at the compound, learning new fighting techniques through a new breed of military simulator that's "part videogame/part Hollywood soundstage with a serious dose of theme park thrill." "It's really all about cognitive training, decision-making under stress," says Randy Hill, director of applied research at the Institute for Creative Technologies, a consortium of educators, videogame makers, entertainment firms and military representatives. Last year the Army extended its contract with ICT in a five-year deal worth $100 million. The new approach to training not only saves the military live-ammunition costs -- it also clicks with a new generation of recruits that have grown up playing videogames, such as "Halo" and "Battlefield: 1942." "It's as close to the real thing as we can make it," says one officer, who recalls his training back 1993 as largely consisting of slide shows on a projector. "In 10 years we've come this far. I can't imagine what it'll be like in another 10." (AP/Washington Post 19 Dec 2004)
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HONORARY SUBSCRIBER: ROBERT BOYLE
Today's Honorary Subscriber is the Anglo-Irish chemist and natural philosopher Robert Boyle (1627-1691), who is celebrated for his pioneering experiments on the properties of gases and other material substances that laid the foundation for the modern theory of chemical elements. Boyle was a founding member of the Royal Society of London and had the able assistance of Robert Hooke, the Society's inventive curator, in constructing the air pump that made it possible to demonstrate the role of air in combustion, respiration and the transmission of sound. In his 1661 report to the Royal Society, Boyle described the inverse relationship, now known as Boyle's law, which obtains between the volume of a gas and its pressure when temperature is held constant.
In a companion work, "The Sceptical Chymist," published that same year, Boyle called into question the Aristotelian theory of the four elements (earth, air, fire and water) and the three principles (salt, sulfur and mercury) proposed by Paracelsus. Instead, he developed the concept of primary particles, which by coalition produce corpuscles. According to this concept, different substances result from the number, position and motion of the primary matter. All natural phenomena were therefore explained not by Aristotelian elements and qualities but by the motion and organization of primary particles. Boyle did not postulate different kinds of primary elements -- the 19th-century view -- but his ideas are valid within certain limits. In his experimental work he also studied the calcination of metals and proposed a means of distinguishing between acid and alkaline substances, which was the origin of the use of chemical indicators. He was also interested in trades and manufacturing processes.
Boyle was born at Lismore Castle, Ireland, the seventh son and 14th child of Richard Boyle, first Earl of Cork. In 1635 he was sent to Eton College, after which he spent the years from 1639 to 1644 with a tutor on the European continent, for the most part in Switzerland. From 1645 to 1655 Boyle lived partly in Dorset, where he began his experimental work and wrote moral essays, some of which appeared in 1655 in "Occasional Reflections upon Several Subjects." One of his essays is reputed to have inspired the writing of "Gulliver's Travels" by Jonathan Swift. Beginning in 1656 Boyle resided at the University of Oxford, later in 1668 moving to London where he lived with his sister Katherine, Lady Ranelagh.
Boyle wrote prolifically on science, philosophy, and theology, acquiring great renown in his lifetime. He was frequently called on by foreigners of distinction. A devout Protestant, he promoted the spread of Christianity abroad, paying for translations of the New Testament into Irish and Turkish. He was a deist at heart, subscribing to what today would be termed the Theory of Intelligent Design, in which nature was a clocklike mechanism set in motion by the Creator and thereafter functioned according to secondary laws that could be studied by science. In his will, Boyle endowed a continuing series of lectures, or sermons "for proving the Christian Religion against notorious Infidels." The series continues to this day.
[To find a library copy of Boyle's "The Sceptical Chymist," go to RLG's RedLightGreen.com:
WORTH THINKING ABOUT: IRAN
Kenneth Pollack of the Brookings Institution thinks it behooves us all to know a little more than we do about the history of Iran:
"To understand the labyrinth of U.S.-Iranian relations, there are at least three things that you need to know about the seven millennia of Iranian history before the twentieth century. The first is that the land that is today Iran is the heir to a long line of remarkable predecessors. In its day, the Persian Empire was a superpower like nothing the world had ever seen -- with a monotheistic religion, a vast army, a rich civilization, a new and remarkably efficient method of administration, and territory stretching from Egypt to Central Asia. All Iranians know that history well, and it is a source of enormous pride to them. It has given them a widely remarked sense of superiority over all of their neighbors, and, ironically, while Tehran now refers to the United States by the moniker 'Global Arrogance,' within the Middle East a stereotypical complaint against Iranians is their own arrogant treatment of others.
"The second important aspect of Iran's early history that still defines the Iranian state and has had a tremendous impact on U.S.-Iranian relations is that for the last five hundred years, Iran has been the only Shi'i Muslim state in the world. Though 90 percent of all Muslims are Sunni, there are a number of countries where Shi'ah make up either a majority (Bahrain, Iraq, Iran) or a significant minority (Lebanon, Saudi Arabia, Syria, Yemen). But only Iran adopted Shi'i Islam as its state religion. Although the Sunni-Shi'ah divide is not as caustic as other interreligious splits, it is not a trifle either. There are important aspects of Shi'ism that have helped shape Iranian political culture in ways that are quite different from that of other Muslim nations. What's more, it has heightened both Iran's sense of uniqueness and its sense of isolation. For Iranians, Shi'ism is a key element of their culture, and for many Arabs and other non-Iranians, the terms 'Shi'ah' and 'Persian' were long considered synonymous.
"Last, for roughly a century and a half beginning in the early 1800s, a weak Iranian state became prey to powerful external actors, principally the European great powers. Iranians (Persians, as they were then still known) were accustomed to looking down on Europeans as barbarian adherents to a superseded religion and a primitive civilization. Now, suddenly, they were trouncing the shah's armies, carving up their lands, making and unmaking governments, monopolizing their markets, and treating their land as battleground, playground, and campground with no regard for the needs or desires of the Iranians themselves. It was humiliating; it was frustrating, and it was frightening for Iranians to be so vulnerable and so constantly manipulated by these foreign powers. And it reinforced a powerful sense of xenophobia coupled with an inferiority complex among Iranians to complement their superiority complex."
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[To purchase Ken Pollock's "The Persian Puzzle: The Conflict Between Iran and America," go to:
Note: We donate all revenue from our book recommendations to adult literacy programs.]
MAILBAG: THE WORLD AS WE FIND IT
GOOGLE SERVICE IS NO THREAT TO LIBRARIES
Re:
Librarians are not worried about digitizing all those books. Librarians have a large body of research that proves that as books age their circulation declines. Google is digitizing a lot of little used material that will always be little used. Goggle's efforts may allow libraries to do a lot of weeding. If you have not used a library's catalog, formerly cards, now online, you will see more content attached to each book's record than ever before. (Leslie R. Morris, Editor, The Journal of Interlibrary Loan)
UNSTEPPING ON FLOWERS
Re:
Oops, J.R.R. Tolkein's "Sir Gawain and the Green Knight" is correct. I just saw the posts today and wondered where I got the information. Unfortunately I can't find it either after searching all over the Internet and in my local ClipCache Plus file where it appears. It is or was damaged in the last system crash (ACPI?). All I have is in my record of as IRC "startrek" chat "Only hobbits can step on flowers sir. J.R.R. Tolkein translated "Sir Gawain and the Blue Knight" written in response to the trivia question: "ST-Trivia Question: TNG: in the episode "justice", wesley was sentenced to death for -----" (stepping on flowers). I usually have the url in ClipCache Plus but from the crash stops at "given further insight into his academic and..." (George Myers)
THE NEWSSCAN COMMUNITY IS A QUALITY BUNCH
I was surprised to see my question about the 8 views of a sculpture in "print." Even more surprising was the number of responses to my comment. It looks like I uncovered a point of interest, a nexus of curiosity by fellow NewsScan viewers. As I read those comments, I enjoyed the community that had gathered around that topic, AND that sculpture. I understand even better the value of your newsletter and the community of reflective thinkers that congregate around your "coffee pot". Thanks for providing a venue for us, your colleagues and friends. Consider this my Christmas card to you for all you do to help keep us invigorated and productive. (Mark H. Zollinhofer, Ph.D.)
HONORARY SUBSCRIBER: JULES-HENRI POINCARÉ
Today's Honorary Subscriber is the French mathematician Jules-Henri Poincaré (1854-1912), who was also a theoretical astronomer and philosopher of science who influenced cosmogony, relativity, and topology.
Called "the last of the universal mathematicians" by mathematics historian E.T. Bell, Poincaré was also a gifted interpreter of science to a wide public. He was among the first to grasp the significance of Einstein's theory of relativity, and he lectured and wrote prolifically in all branches of pure and applied mathematics, covering topics in the fields of electricity, optics, astronomy, thermodynamics, light, probability, and statistical mechanics. In later life he wrote profoundly on mathematical creativity. He was a forerunner of the modern intuitionist school in that he believed that some mathematical induction is a priori and independent of logic. Sudden illumination, he believed, followed long subconscious work, and was a prelude to mathematical creation.
Poincaré was the son of a physician and belonged to a distinguished French family. His first cousin, Raymond Poincaré, was president of the French Republic during World War I. He was born in Nancy, and attended the Ecole Polytechnique in Paris, where his nearsightedness did not keep him from achieving top honors in mathematics. He had an unusually retentive memory for everything he read and was able to perform complex mathematical calculations in his head. He also had the ability to write quickly and turn out well-phrased papers without extensive revisions. In 1879 he received his doctorate from the Ecole Nationale Superieure des Mines, with a thesis on differential equations. Following a brief appointment in mathematical analysis at the University of Caen, Poincaré joined the faculty of the Sorbonne at the University of Paris in 1881 and remained there until his death in 1912.
Among Poincaré's many substantial scientific and mathematical contributions was his work on the classical three-body problem (for example, the system involving the Sun, Moon, and Earth), which involved the question of how long such celestial bodies would remain stable in their present spatial relationships, given their present masses, velocities, motions, and mutual distances. Even though his solution to the problem was only partially correct, in 1889 he was awarded the prize offered for its solution by King Oscar II of Sweden, because of the powerful new mathematical techniques Poincaré developed in working on the problem. In 1906 Poincaré was elected president of the Académie des Sciences in recognition of his lifetime of mathematical and scientific achievement. After Poincaré achieved prominence as a mathematician, he used his literary talent to describe for the general public the meaning and importance of science and mathematics. He wrote "Science and Hypothesis," "The Value of Science," and "Science and Method," all of which reached a wide public of nonprofessionals. In 1908 his stature as a writer was recognized by his election to membership in the Académie Francaise, the highest honor accorded a French writer.
[To locate a library copy of "The Mathematical Heritage of Henri Poincaré," check out RLG's RedLightGreen service at:
[Note: We donate all revenue from our book and media recommendations to adult literacy programs.]
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Activities and Events of Interest
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January 10 El Dorado 7:30 p.m. In Honor of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
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February 5 El Dorado 7:30 p.m. Krystle Maczka, Piano
February 6 Magnolia 2:00 p.m. "
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March 5 Camden 7:30 p.m. Premier String Quartet
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April 3 El Dorado 3:00 p.m. Xiang Gao, Violin
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MCC Tanzania, Africa Mission Trip, July 2005. Get you7r passport!
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"September 11 WDYTJWD" W. P. Florence
Justice first, then peace."
"September 11" Never forget.--Tony Moses
"ONE NATION UNDER GOD ...the only way"--Phillip Story
"We have nothing to fear but fear itself." -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
"Keeping my head down but face toward Heaven" - - Jody Eldred, ABC News Cameraman in Kuwait
"Remember Pearl Harbor? Remember 9/11!" --"Bug"
Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. - - George Carlin
"Stop telling God how big your storm is. Instead, tell the storm how big your God is!" - - Queen E. Watson
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NEVER FORGET! We're listing the names of our soldiers killed weekly. These records can be
found at http://www.defenselink. mil/releases/ This posting covers the last two weeks.
01. Lance Cpl. Franklin A. Sweger, 24, of San Antonio, Texas, died Dec. 16 as a result of enemy action in Al Anbar Province, Iraq. He was assigned to 1st Battalion, 3rd Marine Regiment, 3rd Marine Division, III Marine Expeditionary Force, Marine Corps Base Hawaii.
The Department of Defense announced the death of two soldiers supporting Operation Iraqi Freedom. They died Dec. 19 in Shuaybah, Kuwait, when a vehicle struck them. Both soldiers were assigned to the 180th Transportation Battalion, 13th Corps Support Command, Fort Hood, Texas. Killed were:
02. Staff Sgt. Donald B. Farmer, 33, of Zion, Ill.
03. Sgt. Berry K. Meza, 23, of League City, Texas
04. Lance Cpl. Neil D. Petsche, 21, of Lena, Ill., died Dec. 21 due to injuries received in a non-hostile vehicle incident in Al Anbar Province, Iraq. Petsche was assigned to 1st Battalion, 7th Marine Regiment, 1st Marine Division, I Marine Expeditionary Force, Marine Corps Air Ground Combat Center, Twentynine Palms, Calif.
The Department of Defense announced the death of thirteen soldiers supporting Operation Iraqi Freedom. They died Dec. 21 in Mosul, Iraq, when their dining facility was attacked. Killed were:
05. Capt. William W. Jacobsen Jr., 31, of Charlotte, N.C. Jacobsen was assigned to the 1st Battalion, 24th Infantry Regiment, 1st Brigade, 25th Infantry Division (Stryker Brigade Combat Team), Fort Lewis, Wash.
06. Sgt. Maj. Robert D. O'Dell, 38, of Manassas, Va. O'Dell was assigned to the United States Army Intelligence & Security Command, Fort Belvoir, Va.
07. Sgt. 1st Class Paul D. Karpowich, 30, of Bridgeport, Pa. Karpowich was assigned to the Army Reserve's 2nd Battalion, 390th Infantry Regiment, Webster, N.Y.
08. Staff Sgt. Julian S. Melo, 47, of Brooklyn, N.Y. Melo was assigned to the 1st Battalion, 5th Infantry Regiment, 1st Brigade, 25th Infantry Division (Stryker Brigade Combat Team), Fort Lewis, Wash.
09. Staff Sgt. Darren D. VanKomen, 33, of Bluefield, W.Va. VanKomen was assigned to the 2nd Squadron, 14th Cavalry Regiment, 1st Brigade, 25th Infantry Division (Stryker Brigade Combat Team), Fort Lewis, Wash.
10. Staff Sgt. Robert S. Johnson, 23, of Castro Valley, Calif. Johnson was assigned to the 1st Battalion, 24th Infantry Regiment, 1st Brigade, 25th Infantry Division (Stryker Brigade Combat Team), Fort Lewis, Wash.
11. Sgt. Lynn R. Poulin Sr., 47, of Freedom, Maine. Poulin was assigned to the Army National Guard's 133rd Engineer Battalion, Belfast, Maine.
12. Spc. Jonathan Castro, 21, of Corona, Calif. Castro was assigned to the 73rd Engineer Company, 1st Brigade, 25th Infantry Division (Stryker Brigade Combat Team), Fort Lewis, Wash.
13. Spc. Thomas J. Dostie, 20, of Sommerville, Maine. Dostie was assigned to the Army National Guard's 133rd Engineer Battalion, Portland, Maine.
14. Spc. Cory M. Hewitt, 26, of Stewart, Tenn. Hewitt was assigned to the 705th Ordnance Company, Fort Polk, La.
15. Spc. Nicholas C. Mason, 20, of King George, Va. Mason was assigned to the Army National Guard's 276th Engineer Battalion, West Point, Va.
16. Spc. David A. Ruhren, 20, of Stafford, Va. Ruhren was assigned to the Army National Guard's 276th Engineer Battalion, West Point, Va.
17. Pfc. Lionel Ayro, 22, of Jeanerette, La. Ayro was assigned to the 73rd Engineer Company, 1st Brigade, 25th Infantry Division (Stryker Brigade Combat Team), Fort Lewis, Wash.
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Remember that for every soldier killed in modern war, 10 are wounded. Don't forget to pray for them and their families.
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Join the Delta Diamondbacks 24-hour prayer team sponsored by First Baptist Church of McNeill by calling Debi Scott at 695-3403.
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War Prayer list for those in harms way.(12/24)
Remember to pray for the American soldiers stationed everywhere around the globe and especially in Iraq. Times have been and are very tough and it would be nice if you would all just say a prayer for their safety and for their families. Our own Delta Diamond Backs, local national guard personnel are now patrolling Bagdad. They are part of the 1st Cavalry Division's, 39th Infantry Brigade.
Please update us when you know of someone who comes home (or is activated for service.)
Major William Anderson has returned home safely from Bagdad
Command Sergeant Major Tom Broom - U.S. Army - Kuwait
Kyle Burleston - U.S. Marines - Iraq
Jim Carrol - U.S. Navy Intelligence
Greg Davis - U.S. Army - Bagdad - Mark Davis's oldest son. Greg has two children; Jhett,
12 and Baily 3
Lang Doster - National Guard - Iraq - Angel Cranston's Brother
Sgt. Douglas E. Chappel - Kuwait
Alaina Downey - USAF - Whiteman Air Force Base in Missouri - Steve Downey's daughter
Michael Drake - U.S. Navy - Persian Gulf
Lisa Dyson - U.S. Army Intelligence - Johnny Dyson's daughter
Jeremy Lee Eades U.S. Army - Roger and Jerri Eades son.
John Ford - U.S. Army Korea - Steve and Sharon Ford's son
Dickie Hartsfield's son - U.S. Army - In Bagdad
Warren Haynie from Lewisville - Serving in Iraq
Matthew Johnson - Marines
Robby Johnson - USAF C-130 Crew Chief
Brennan Jones - U S Marines - Iraq
James A.Jones - US Navy
Pat Keister - USMC -
Terris Lyons - National Guard - Back home in Minden
Mick McDaniel - U.S. Air Force, unknown location - Richard Matherne's son-in-law
David Mitchell - U.S. Army - In Bagdad
Opheline Moore - USArmy -
Brian Morgan - US Navy - in the Gulf somewhere
C.H. Osman - CAPT USN - Pentagon
Andrew Paladino - US Army SRA - Don and Ronda Paladino's Boy
Nick Paladino - US Army Ssgt - Don and Ronda Paladino's Boy
Bob Polk - Kuwait
Todd Raymond - USAF - Germany - Another MCC young man.
Bryan Ross - Wayne Specie Roy and Loretta Specie's
Jason Varner Deployed to an unknown Location Roy and Loretta Specie's
Lloyd Young - USMC - North Carolina - Cindy Martin's son
Please let us know of any updates to this list. James F.McClellan - KC5HII@Magnolia-Net.Com Also, at kvma.Com they have a list of people over seas.
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Scheduled Activities
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Alcoholics Anonymous meets at 8 p.m.Monday - Friday.At noon on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays and at 7 p.m.Sunday at 914 N. Vine
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Columbia County Amateur Radio Club meets Every second Thursday @ 7:00 p.m.Union Street Station.And YOU'RE invited.Net is every Sunday at 20:30 on 147.105.
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Columbia County Diabetes Support Group - Every third Monday, 7:00 p.m. room 222, Magnolia Hospital
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"Focus on the Family" with Dr. James Dobson weekday afternoons at 1 PM on KVMA am 630 it's a great show!
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MCC - Abraham Prayer - Sunday at 5:00 p.m and Wednesday from 11:30 am to 1:00 pm
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MCC - Early Morning Prayer - Monday - Friday, From 6:30 am to 8:00 am
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MCC - "Beth Moore" Video Class - Thursday nights at 5:45 pm
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MCC - "Faith Builders" Small group meets at 1051 Columbia 36 the second and fourth Tuesdays, 6:30 pm to 7:45 pm.
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MCC - Firm Foundations Class, Sunday 9:30 to 10:15 a.m
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MCC - Meadow Brook Nursing Home Ministry Tuesday from 10:00 to 11:00 a.m
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MCC - Mom's Day Out - Every Tuesday and Thursday from 9 to 2.$10 for the first child, $5 for the second.Call 234-3225 for reservations.
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MCC - Nursing Home Ministry - Meadowbrook Every Tuesday from 10 to 11 am. Taylor, the last Thursday each month.
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MCC - Over comers: Fridays @ 7:00 p.m- Director, Traci Foster invites you to a 12 step Christian support program.For anyone with a life controlling problem. Child care is provided.
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Men's Prayer Breakfast held every Tuesday morning at 6 AM in Miller's Cafeteria. If you aren't a regular participant at the Men's Prayer Breakfast, you're missing some great food, fellowship and inspired teaching of the Word. Hope to see you there, especially in January when we've got the program. Here's our list of January speakers; January 04 - - Paul Troquille, January 11 - - Joe Sledge, January 18 - - Eric Williams, January 25 - - Gary McKinnie.
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Emergency Phone Number 911
(Fire, Police, Ambulance, Sheriff, etc. )
Central Dispatch 234-5655
(Non - Emergency Number)
Direct Numbers
Ambulance - 234-7371 (24 Hour)
Jail - 234-5331 (24 Hour)
Poison Control - 800-222-1222 (24 Hour)
http://www. aapcc. org/
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"Fight till you win!" - - Mark Brazee
"Bring 'em on!" - -President George W. Bush
"There is not enough darkness in the world to put out the light of one candle."
"Laugh whenever you can and cry if you need to." -- "Bug"
"I read the end of the book. We win!" -- "Bug"
"We may not be able to cure the world, but we don't have to make it sicker." -- "Bug"
"There just ain't enough fingers for all the holes in the dike." - - "Bug"
"If you can read this e-mail, thank a teacher. - - If you read it in English, thank a serviceman."
"A simple way to take measure of a country is to look at how many want in ... and how many want out." - - Tony Blair
~~~~~
Hope you enjoy the newsletter.
Again, thanks to all our contributors this week.
God bless and GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!
Luke 22:8-13 Luke 22:31-34 Mat 1:18-20 John 1:1-4,14 Luke 2:12-14
God is Good and Faithful CU 73 IC JFM CSP NREMT-I KC5HII
P. S. If you'd like to be added to the distribution, just drop us E-mail at KC5HII@Magnolia-Net.Com. We offer "Da Bleat" as text, a "Blog" and as a newsletter with pictures in Word and PDF format. For the "Blog" version just go to http://bugsbleat.blogspot.com/ to see the latest issue. This week, "Word" and "PDF" subscribers get to see photos of Christmas at the McClellan’s.
Let us hear from you if we can switch you over to the "Word" or "PDF" version of "Da Bleat".
If you'd prefer to read "Da Blog" version, just drop us a note at KC5HII@Magnolia-Net.Com and we'll switch you from e:mail delivery to "Da Bleat" Blog. Of course "Da Bleat" is now on the web. Just go to http://bugsbleat.blogspot.com to see the latest issue (usually updated sometime Friday evening or Saturday morning. We appreciate your encouragement. We also appreciate your communication when you desire to be taken off our mail list. If you are on this mail list by mistake or do not wish to receive "Da Bleat," please reply back and tell us to discontinue service to you. This email was scanned by Norton AntiVirus 2004 before it was sent.
posted by Bug | 8:44 AM
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