Bug's Bleat First: Bug's Bleat -

Volume 6, Issue 51 Friday, December 17, 2004

Hello ALL,

Our employees activity committee outdid themselves this week. The kids Christmas party last Saturday was FANTASTIC. Then, this week we had the employee’s Christmas dinners. Everything was great, from the MOUNDS of shrimp appetizers to the great prime rib and backed chicken and the SAU singers were the icing on the cake.

Of course, the Albemarle “Bell Ringers” weren’t bad either.

This is a great season and I enjoy all the festivities.

~~~~~

We've got our 2005 Bible Reading Plans ready for distribution. Using this plan, you'll read from The Law on Sundays, History on Mondays, Psalms on Tuesdays, Poetry on Wednesday, Prophecy on Thursday, Gospels on Friday and the Epistles on Saturday. It's a WORD document that you can print on front and back of one page. Fold it and it's a handy bookmark to keep in your bible. Just e-mail us at KC5HII@Magnolia-Net.Com, if you'd like a copy. Or, you can log onto - - http://www.bible-reading.com/bible-plan.html

~~~~~

Wednesday's Banner News - - http://epaper.ardemgaz.com/Daily/Skins/Magnolia/?AW=1103260211328 - - had a great article on First Methodist Church's "Stew Pot," a modern version of a soup kitchen. "Anyone can go to the church between 4:30 and 5:30 on Monday, Tuesday and Thursday, and pick up a maximum of four balanced meals," said Jane Miles, director of the Stew Pot.

Dorothy Edwards led the "Stew Pot" for many years and it was her insistence that ANYONE can come in with no questions asked and get up to four meals.

When asked about the wisdom of this policy, Mrs. Edwards replied "...I feel that is between them and the Lord."

God Reigns in Magnolia.

~~~~~

Macy’s and other national retailers have told their employees to avoid using offensive words like “Christmas” this Christmas. Seems that it’s a Season, or a Holiday, not a birthday celebration.

Doesn’t look like there will be a miracle on 34^th street this year.

~~~~~

Mike McNeill sure doesn't champion my opinions all the time but I've got to give him credit, the local paper is a lot more interesting since he took over.

Thursday's paper had several articles of interest including one by Les Minor of the Texarkana Gazette. Les's article "I-30 now firmly established as Texarkana's Main Street" was a pleasure to read and contained a great comment on modern shopping districts; "It won't be the kind of Main Street that purist long for. It won't be aesthetically pleasing, but it will be bustling. Instead of parking and walking, we will mainly drive from store to store, like navigating a string of large cement lakes."

I wonder how Henry David Thoreau would like the comparison of modern interstate shopping

as a visit to Walden Pond?

~~~~~

Thursday's paper, also contained a warning from Fire Chief Herschel Hampton. "... don't use

candles." he said.

A man after my own heart.

~~~~~

We hear that “Rockin Romania” has been invited to the White House to participate in honoring the workers who’ve struggled to save Romanian Orphans. We’ll keep you posted.

~~~~~

The World Championship Rotary Tiller Race from Downtown Emerson Arkansas is scheduled to air on the Discovery Channel Monster Nation show on Friday, December 24, at 6pm. At this point our race is slotted for show number 30,if you go to their website to check the schedule. We will try to stay on top of this, if there is any changes we are aware of, we will let you know. See you in the movies.

~~~~~

Faith builders, our small group had a warm, funny and filling Christmas party this week. The evening started off with soups and casseroles, proceeded to comedy Christmas Carols and included a great “gag” Chinese present swap (the Viagra was stolen over and over.) We finished up with testimonies of God’s grace and forgiveness.

~~~~~

President Bush has ordered plans for temporarily disabling the U.S. network of global positioning satellites during a national crisis to prevent terrorists from using the navigational technology, the White House said Wednesday.

Any shutdown of the network inside the United States would come under only the most remarkable circumstances, said a Bush administration official who spoke to a small group of reporters at the White House on condition of anonymity.

Complete story at - - http://apnews.excite.com/article/20041216/D870PV1O0.html

~~~~~

Our sincere sympathy is extended to Dennis Elledge in the death of his mother. Funeral services for Mrs. Ora Elledge will be Saturday, December 18, at the Waldo First United Pentecostal Church.

~~~~~

THE TIVO-ING OF XM RADIO We really enjoy our XM radio. Annette keeps hers mostly on Fox News while I tend to lean more to “Fish” the Christian Music Station. Now we find that we can both have it our way.

TimeTrax Technologies, based in suburban Washington, DC, offers XM Radio subscribers a technology that allows them to actually make use of all those 100 channels. Its TimeTrax Connect system includes hardware that enables an owner of a XM Direct receiver to save the satellite broadcasts as MP3 or WAV files for later playback. For those who've missed the TimeTrax saga, the company came out with a similar product last summer that worked in conjunction with XM's PCR device. Founder Scott MacLean posted the software on an XM Forum, which raised the hackles of XM's lawyers, who pointed out that the XM customer service agreement prohibited subscribers from making unauthorized recordings of its content. Shortly afterward, XM pulled its PCR device off the shelves, saying it was being replaced by its Web radio service, which doesn't require any other hardware than a PC. This latest iteration of TimeTrax includes a small adapter for the XM Direct, a universal tuner, which enables it to connect to a PC. The TimeTrax software then enables the computer to control the tuner and capture the broadcast. Although the two companies appear to have worked out some sort of rapprochement, XM VP for corporate affairs Chance Patterson says his firm has no plans for a business arrangement with TimeTrax. That's fine with MacLean, who adds, "We're doing quite well without XM endorsing us." (New York Times 16 Dec 2004)

Thanks to NewsScan - - NewsScan@NewsScan.com

~~~~~

There's still time to go to; http://tinyurl.com/4o3hm to pick up a great toy or ten.

~~~~~

Estelle (Pierce) Moore was a good friend of my mother's and a good friend of ours. She lived across the street from us and always had a kind word and compliments for us. Her late husband Howard was also a friend of my dad's. It was Estelle and Howard's car that my mother borrowed to drive after she'd sold our family car so she could buy the house we live in now.

My dad had gone to Oklahoma to purchase the first portable drilling rig to be used in the ArkLaTex. When she picked him up at the company yard, he asked why she was driving Howard and Estelle's car. She said "We don't have a car." My dad asked "What happened to the car we had when I left town." My mom replied "I sold it and bought a house." My dad asked why she didn't talk to him first. She replied "We did talk. I told you I wanted a house. You said O.K. I assumed that was enough discussion."

~~~~~

Brother Paul and Sister Debbie Troquille are here, visiting from Tanzania. A Christmas with friends and family is truly a great Christmas.

~~~~~

And, we’ve got “Greetings from a cool Transylvania”

Where we've had very little snow, thank God. Last year we had more than enough in October.

Praise Report

1- Our Region outreach is beginning to grow again. The last couple of years have been a challenge. Usually Deedre, after our Sunday morning service here in Cluj-Napoca, has driven the two hours required (through the hills and around the hair-pin curves) to minister mainly to Ibi & her daughter, Christina. We often hear people say that they'll travel to minister to just one or two; however, we've had the opportunity to do just that. In the last weeks five people have received Jesus and two were baptized in the Holy Spirit! Ibi has developed a ministry to children there and is now learning to play the guitar for praise and worship. We thank God for people who are faithful.

2- Praise God for his provision and favor. We are now partners with the Cluj County Government and the Ministry of Health in a FUNDED project to build and equip a medical clinic in FAF's New Life Education Center at the main Cluj Gypsy Camp! These are the FIRST finances we've received from the Romanian Government in the 10 years we've been helping both the natural and spiritual needs of the people here. God is not limited in his access to funding. The county officials came to us and asked us if we would partner with them in this project. They did the mountains of paperwork required to get the funding approval!

3- Our outreaches in the Gypsy Community are expanding continuously. Fifteen teens/adults were born again in the last weeks and many have been healed. People really got excited last Sunday when a lady who was partially paralyzed received her healing - full freedom of movement in her arm/hand! We were able to double our construction project this year: we've finished six two-room homes at the camp, after building three last year. In October we put down the foundation for the shower building at the camp.

4- The John Stewart Memorial Baby Home is full to overflowing. The Cluj County Children's Commission asked us to take back Abel- who they had previously adopted out to a single parent. Of course we were happy to do so. They have since expanded their approval to enable us to house eight children vs the previous limit of seven

5- Thanksgiving Day Dee and I celebrated twenty years on the mission field.

Prayer Opportunities

1- The National Elections on 28 November removed many of the old socialists (read communists) from office; but, they still have the largest number of people in parliament/congress- though no longer a majority. SUNDAY, Dec. 12th, we had the final voting for the President. Basescu, mayor of Bucharest versus Nastase, former Prime Minister and leader of the 'socialist' party. Please pray for wisdom and against corruption as Basescu leads Romania the next four years. It will be wonderful to see many of these political leaders accept Jesus as personal Saviour and Lord and become real Christians.

2- We will present Christmas programs in the Recea Cristur teen's orphanage, a local old folks center, in the Gypsy Camps, in the Floresti Cultural Center, as well as outreaches on the streets in the week before Christmas. Please agree with us for hearts to be open to receive Jesus and not for people to just have another emotional experience when presented with the Gospel.

3- We are still looking for land to purchase so that we can build our own our church and foundation center.

4- Please thank god with us for INCREASED monthly support. We rejoice at the special gifts that He provides; however, the US dollar has lost 45% of it's value in comparison with the Euro, since the Euro was introduced. Last year the Romanian government changed from connecting it's money with the US and pegged the Lei to the Euro. The dollar has lost 16% against the Romanian Lei in just the last two months. Our God is MORE THAN ABLE. In twenty years on the field God has always provided for the work He has called us to and we thank him that He continues to do so!

Thank you for your prayer and financial support of Yielded Vessels

Ministries/Family Aid Foundation.

In His Love,

Rufus and Dee Whynot

~~~~~

Taking a trip to the library may take little more than a computer's Web browser. Working with major libraries, Google is hoping to scan millions of books and periodicals into its popular Internet search engine during the next several years as part of an effort to bring more of the world's collective knowledge online.

Material from the New York public library as well as libraries at four universities - Harvard, Stanford, Michigan and Oxford - will be indexed on Mountain View, Calif.-based Google under the ambitious initiative announced late Monday.

http://apnews.excite.com/article/20041214/D86VHULO5.html

~~~~~

Don't forget ... "Da Bleat" is now on the web. Just go to http://bugsbleat.blogspot.com

~~~~~

From "Da Bleat" of December 15, Y2K;

Last week we were talking about energy. Then "POW" we had a little energy lesson here in Magnolia (actually here in the ArkLaTex.) Tuesday evening we had a little freezing rain. In fact it misted down until about 3:00 Wednesday afternoon.

In spite of the fact that the final amount of ice on trees and power lines was much less than we've had in previous ice storms, this one resulted in much more damage. Power started going out in the early morning hours and still isn't restored in many areas of the county (and the ArkLaTex.)

By 8:00 a.m. Wednesday morning, pretty much the entire county was dark. Including nursing homes and the hospital. Power wasn't restored to the hospital until 6:30 that evening.

The sound effects of a freak storm like this are interesting. If you stopped and listened, it sounded like a minor firefight as limbs were cracking and crashing to the ground (and taking out wires and vehicles and homes along with them.) At times, the sound was almost stattaco as limbs crashed down one after the other.

Annette had been ill Tuesday evening, but fortunately was feeling some better by Wednesday morning. At lunch, I vainly looked though town for a place to get her some soup or broth. Failing there, I went home and fired up the gas grill out back. Then there was the chore of finding a manual can opener and figuring out how to use it. Finally got a can of broth open and put the pot on the grill. Surprisingly, grilled beef broth didn't upset her stomach any worse.

That evening we still had no way to cook, warm or heat anything and a cold supper in a cold house wasn't really appealing. We trudged to the only cafeteria open in town, the one at the hospital. They were almost out of food but stayed open late to share some roast beef, rice and corn bread with us. We'd just finished eating when the power was restored to the hospital. The halls rang with shouts of joy.

Annette's mom weathered the storm with her new gas stove (from Warnocks.) She used it to heat the kitchen and living room while she cooked soup.

David, Bobbie and the kids had evacuated to Clarence and Jerrie's house. They didn't have power either, but they did have a fireplace. They also had some tall pine trees that took out David and Clarence's trucks that first morning.

Vanessa and Jimmy had come by Tuesday evening, then just beat the storm to Hope. However, they didn't have the ice that we did and they never lost power. Vanessa did miss one day of work because the interstate was icy and her supervisor recommended she not drive in on Wednesday. Remember sleeping in the cold when you were a kid? Annette piled about a foot and a half of various quilts, blankets, comforters, etc. on the bed and we slipped in.

It wouldn't so bad, after all we didn't have central heat when we were kids did we?

We may not have had central heat, but we did have a mom or grandmother to light the fire in the morning so we could get dressed beside it. Thursday morning there was no grandmother to light the fire. In fact there was no gas heater to light, much less a gas stove to heat up the kitchen with.

Grandmother used to serve my breakfast on the oven door so I could eat in the warm. Thursday morning, I served Annette's hot cakes from McDonald's on a foam plate so cold that the syrup wouldn't run. We survived the storm by retreating to work (where we had heat and light) and Annette worked around the house attempting to move fast enough to stay warm.

We were able to save some of our food by putting it in the refrigerator to keep it from freezing. Annette's fish in aquariums found that they could live without that little heater that kept the water temp just so. The house seemed even colder Thursday night and the trip to the bathroom Friday morning was colder than I remember the outhouse behind aunt Jerry's being.

I finally persuaded Annette to come out to the plant at lunch Friday and get warm. We were calling the house every hour or so to see if the power was on (our answering machine should pick up if it was.) Low and behold, about 2:30 p.m. Friday, we heard those immortal words; "This is the McClellan residence ..." Annette shouted and headed back to town. Right now (7:40 p.m. Friday evening) Annette is lying on a warm bed, watching "David Copperfield" on TBN. She turned to me and stated "I just feel affluent."

~~~~~

What did we learn from this little escapade? Several things; 1. All those flashlights I give as "stocking stuffers" every Christmas can come in handy. 2. We need some sort of temporary heat (fire place, gas heater, something.) 3. We need some way to cook food. 4. Our friends and loved ones never let us down. If you see any of the Entergy workers or fire fighters or road crews or Amateur radio operators or Office of Emergency services personnel or red cross workers or any of the other groups that worked to alleviate the chaos that was caused by this storm, tell them that we appreciate them and are thankful for them.

~~~~~

Landing on roofs, and chimney work

From: Joe Tudor

Regarding landing on roofs, it is important to remember that it will be necessary to use fall protection. A safety line must be anchored to an anchor point rated for 5,000 pounds. A full body harness is required, and shock absorbing lanyard. With respect to entering a chimney; if a hazards such as inward converging walls or toxic atmospheres were encountered, it would be a permit required confined space. In that case, a confined space entry team, written permit, and confined space rescue team that is properly trained and equipped must be on hand and able to effect a rescue in an amount of time appropriate to the hazard. Better get those reindeer trained, Santa, because local fire departments usually can not satisfy all the requirements for a confined space rescue team under the new OSHA standard. Get busy, because those reindeer will have to be specifically trained on each and every single chimney you enter.

~~~~~

Feel free to share the "Bleat" with any and all. That's why we publish it.

~~~~~

www.aaa.com Regular Mid Premium Diesel

Current Avg. $1.81 $1.93 $2.00 $2.05

We paid $1.67 today at SAM’s in Shreveport

http://www.fuelgaugereport.com/

~~~~~

Market Basket Chicken Vegetable Stir-fry, Recipe courtesy Kathleen Daelemans, Cooking Thin

Difficulty: Easy

Prep Time: 25 minutes

Cook Time: 20 minutes

Yield: 6 servings

1-tablespoon sesame oil

1 tablespoon minced garlic

1 tablespoon minced ginger

1 tablespoon minced scallions

1 pound boneless, skinless, chicken breasts, sliced into strips

1-cup broccoli spears

1-cup julienned carrots

½ pound green beans, chopped

½ cup julienned red pepper

1 cup quartered button mushrooms

3 heads baby bok choy, chopped

Low sodium teriyaki sauce

Heat the oil in a wok over high heat. Add the garlic, ginger, and scallions. Cook until aromatic, about 2 minutes. Add the chicken. Saute until the edges are brown, about 3 to 4 minutes. Add the broccoli, carrots, and green beans to the wok. Cook approximately 5 to 8 minutes, until the vegetables begin to become tender. Add the red pepper, mushrooms, bok choy, and teriyaki sauce to the wok, cook approximately 5 to 8 minutes more, or until chicken is cooked through and vegetables are done to your likeness. Taste and adjust seasonings. Serve immediately.

http://www.foodnetwork.com/food/recipes/recipe/0,1977,FOOD-9936-19566,00.html

~~~~~

BREAKPOINT Commentaries

by Chuck Colson. - Prison Fellowship

What We’re About

Freeing God’s Children

December 17, 2004

Ever since the November elections, we’ve been hearing a lot of talk about the “values voters” who made such an impact. There are many in this country who believe that “values voters” are people to fear—that we just want to suppress everyone else’s point of view.

If you know someone who feels that way, I have a suggestion for you. Give that person a copy of Professor Allen Hertzke’s new book, Freeing God’s Children: The Unlikely Alliance for Global Human Rights. And while you’re at it, get a copy for yourself, because this is one book every Christian ought to read. No other recent book that I know of has explained so well how the expression of Christian views in the public square actually benefits the public good.

Hertzke explores how religious persecution—an issue that for years was largely ignored—has suddenly come to the forefront. He cites the Church’s role behind the Iron Curtain, a renewed emphasis on human rights by the Catholic Church after the second Vatican Council, and the emergence of a strong, active evangelical network as the reasons for why this has happened. Hertzke gives a detailed account of efforts by Christians to advance the cause of human rights. He goes so far as to write, “One cannot understand international relations today without comprehending the new faith-based movement—a bold assertion but one that will be borne out in the coming years.”

Hertzke, who is on the faculty of the University of Oklahoma, writes from behind the scenes. Over the last several years, he has sat in meetings, attended events, and interviewed activists. He gives a thrilling first-hand account of the campaign to stop slavery in the Sudan—yes, as BreakPoint listeners know, slavery has continued into the twenty-first century. But through the Wilberforce Forum, which he writes about, and other groups, pressure was brought to bring it to an end. Similarly, evangelical groups were behind the campaign to start bringing help to AIDS victims in Africa, something even the New York Times noted this past year. He talks further about how Christians, working with a Jewish lawyer, a former editor of the New York Times, and an odd alliance of conservatives and liberals, organized a campaign to stop sexual trafficking worldwide—one of the great abominations of modern times.

He focuses as well on the behind-the-scenes work of Christian groups to bring pressure on repressive governments like North Korea, which is brutally persecuting believers today. And he discusses how the new Christian movement is providing relief to believers and getting asylum to persecuted Christians—and much, much more.

I, for one, am tired of hearing people stereotype the so-called values voters as being narrow-minded, right-wing bigots, and dogmatic. Allen Hertzke gets it right in his new book; he describes what Christians do best in the public square: that is, putting Christ’s love for the least of these into practice. We do it at home, we do it around the world, we do it in prisons. This new movement is not only setting the captives free, as Christ taught us. It’s also—though most of the press has not noticed—changing the way the world looks at Christianity.

This book is a major accomplishment, because it documents what has heretofore been largely unrecognized, but is one of the most glorious chapters in the history of Christian activism and our passion for justice. I highly recommend Hertzke’s book—great, uplifting reading for the new year.

For further reading and information:

Today’s BreakPoint offer: Allen D. Hertzke, Freeing God’s Children: The Unlikely Alliance for Global Human Rights (Rowman & Littlefield, 2004). Call 1-877-322-5527. Your donation toward BreakPoint helps continue our worldview ministry and Wilberforce Forum’s advocacy on behalf of those who cannot speak for themselves.

“A Responsible Approach to a Global AIDS Policy ,” Wilberforce Forum.

BreakPoint Commentary No. 031103, “ Mankind Is Our Business: Christians and Human Rights .”

BreakPoint Commentary No. 030514, “ Bringing Down the Numbers: The Global AIDS Bill .”

BreakPoint Commentary No. 040706, “ The Missing Factor: ‘Fidelity Fix’ .”

BreakPoint Commentary No. 030707, “ How Quickly They Forget: Christians in (and out of) the News .”

“A Compassionate Law: Signing the Sudan Peace Act ,” Wilberforce Forum, 22 October 2002 .

David K. Naugle, “ Genocide in Sudan: Why It’s Not Too Late to Act ,” BreakPoint WorldView, November 2004.

Visit BreakPoint’s resource and fact page on North Korea .

BreakPoint Commentary No. 040802, “ An Evil We Can’t Ignore: Human Trafficking .”

In this address to the UN General Assembly in September, President Bush noted that we advocate on behalf of the poor and oppressed “because we believe in human dignity.”

Gary Haugen, The Good News about Injustice (InterVarsity, 1999).

Copyright 2004 Prison Fellowship Ministries. Reprinted with permission. "BREAKPOINT with Chuck Colson" is a radio ministry of Prison Fellowship Ministries. Prison Fellowship Ministries may withdraw or modify this grant of permission at any time. To receive "BREAKPOINT" commentaries daily, you can subscribe for free at http://www. breakpoint. org/.

~~~~~

Words of the Week:

extemporaneous: composed, performed, or uttered on the spur of the moment.

forgo: to do without.

raiment: clothing in general; garments.

aborning: (while) being produced or born.

dulcet: melodious.

hoi polloi: the common people; the masses.

recherche: exotic; rare; also, affected, pretentious.

permeate: to spread or diffuse through.

from Dictionary.Com

~~~~~

"During times of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act." - George Orwell

"My definition of success is to live your life in a way that causes you to feel a ton of pleasure and very little pain - and because of your lifestyle, have the people around you feel a lot more pleasure than they do pain." - Anthony Robbins

"Nothing is so firmly believed as what we least know." - Montaigne

"Woman makes us poets, children make us philosophers." - Malcolm De Chazal

"Enthusiasm is the best protection in any situation. Wholeheartedness is contagious. Give yourself, if you wish to get others." - David Seabury

"Education is not the filling of a pail, but the lighting of a fire." - William Butler Yeats

"Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people." - Admiral Hyman G. Rickover

"I am not afraid of storms for I am learning how to sail my ship." - Louisa May Alcott

"In the final analysis there is no solution to man's progress but the day's honest work, the day's honest decisions, the day's generous utterances and the day's good deed." - Clare Boothe Luce

~~~~~

FLASH CARD "I say that the art of sculpture is eight times as great as any other art based on drawing, because a statue has eight views and they must all be equally good." (Benvenuto Cellini)

*****

FLASH CARD "One difference between poetry and lyrics is that lyrics sort of fade into the background. They fade on the page and live on the stage when set to music." (Stephen Sondheim)

*****

FLASH CARD "All the good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow." (Grant Wood)

*****

FLASH CARD "There is no excellent beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion." (Sir Francis Bacon)

*****

FLASH CARD " A nuclear power plant is infinitely safer than eating, because 300 people choke to death on food every year." (Dixy Lee Ray)

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GCF: Seals

Emailed to me from another humor list (Cascade Express E-zine) -Tom To subscribe to Cascade Express E-zine, send a blank email to: Cascade-Express-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

If this was forwarded to you, please consider your own subscription to Good Clean Fun. It's free! A smile will enhance the quality of your life. Just send an email to: good-clean-fun-subscribe@egroups.com or visit the Good Clean Fun web site http://www.slonet.org/~tellswor/ UNSUBSCRIBE INFO for Good Clean Fun is at the end of this email. This email was scanned by Norton AntiVirus 2004 before it was sent.

---------------------------------------

Some people are extremely impressed when you tell them you're a Navy SEAL.

Case in point: My grandson's Kindergarten class on Career Day. I regaled them with stories of my exploits in the military. After I finished, hands shot up into the air all over the classroom. The kids were eager to ask questions.

One little girl asked, "Can you balance a ball on the end of your nose?"

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GCF: How Many Feet?

Emailed to me from another humor list (Marty's Joke of the Day) -Tom To subscribe to Marty's Joke of the Day, send a blank email to: martysjotd-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

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I had given our daughter, who was 15 at the time, a drivers manual. On the way to town one day, I was coaching her as I drove. I told her to be studying her book so as to be ready when it came time to get her driver's permit.

"Oh, she said, "I already know everything in the book."

"You do?" I returned.

"Yep", she said, very smugly.

I thought, "OK, I'll give her a hard one." So I asked her, "How many feet does it take to stop the car if you are driving 60 miles an hour and have to slam on the brakes real hard?"

"One," she replied.

"What?" I asked. "One?!"

She repeated her answer and then because of the confused look on my face, she added, "One, Mom. You always told me never to use my left foot on the brakes, only use my right one."

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GCF: Bragging

Emailed to me from another humor list (The Funnies) -Tom To subscribe to The Funnies, send a blank email to: andychaps-the-funnies-subscribe@egroups.com

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At the day-care center where I work, some of the children were telling me about their siblings.

"My brother takes horseback-riding lessons," bragged one.

"My sister takes gymnastics," said another.

Not to be outdone, the youngest piped up, "My sister takes antibiotics!"

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GCF: Computer's Down

Emailed to me from another humor list (Marty's Joke of the Day) -Tom To subscribe to Marty's Joke of the Day, send a blank email to: martysjotd-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

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Our new office computer system was down as much as it was working. My co-worker Cathy decided to stay late one evening to catch up on the work that had accumulated. On her way home, a police officer stopped her for speeding. "What a perfect end to an awful day!" she exclaimed. "Our computer is up, then down -- up, then down. I stay late to catch up, and now this!"

The officer was unaffected by Cathy's griping and he went to his car to prepare a citation. After what seemed an eternity, he returned with her license and registration. As he handed them to her, he smiled and said, "Our computer is down."

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GCF: Away From His Desk

Emailed to me from another humor list (The Funnies) -Tom To subscribe to The Funnies, send a blank email to: andychaps-the-funnies-subscribe@egroups.com

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A fellow, who frequently left the office to play golf, instructed his secretary to tell all callers that he was away from his desk.

After he left the office, a member of his foursome forgot which course they were playing that day, and called for information. The loyal girl would only reply that her boss was away from his desk.

"Just tell me," the golfer persisted, "Is he five miles away from his desk, twenty miles away from his desk, or thirty miles away from his desk?"

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\ / "People will believe anything \ /

\ -/ that is whispered." \- /

/ / \ \

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\ / How do those dead bugs get \ /

\ -/ into those closed light fixtures? \- /

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\ / Too many couples marry for \ /

\ -/ better or for worse, \- /

/ / but not for good. \ \

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\ / I hate mornings. \ /

\ -/ They're so early. \- /

/ / \ \

\\\\ \-/ / "Government is like a baby: \ \-/ ////

\ / An alimentary canal with a big \ /

\ -/ appetite at one end and no sense \- /

/ / of responsibility at the other." \ \

- Ronald Reagan

\\\\ \-/ / \ \-/ ///// / \ \

/ )| Thomas S. Ellsworth |( \

/ / | tellswor@slonet.org | \ \

-( (- | http://www. slonet.org/~tellswor | -) )-

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*** Good Clean Fun ***

Stop for a visit, leave with a smile! To join Good Clean Fun, email: good-clean-fun-subscribe@yahoogroups.Com To leave Good Clean Fun, email: good-clean-fun-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.Com Or visit the Good Clean Fun web site at http://www. slonet.org/~tellswor/

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[GCFL.net] A few more Telephone Answering Machine Messages

** I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess its NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

** This is Frank. You can leave me a message, but I must warn you I get annoyed with messages that are hard to read. So please use your shift key appropriately, avoid overdoing punctuation, and spell-check your message, or I might ignore it.

** (Game show-announcer voice:) Hello, and welcome to Phone Tag! (Cheers in background.) If you'd like to join the game, please leave your name and number at the beep, and we'll try to reach you when you're not around. And thanks once again for playing Phone Tag!

Received from Andychaps "The Funnies".

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[GCFL.net] How You Tell Priests Are Playing Golf Without ThemWearing Their Collars

Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, my brother and three other priests swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked,

"You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?" "Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "Why?"

"Because," said the caddy.... "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language!"

Received from Andychaps "The Funnies".

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[GCFL.net] The Why Nots... Of Horns On Cows

The Monday Afternoon Club, an organization of wealthy city women, met and decided that this month's outing was to be at a dairy farm. Most of them had lived in the city all their lives, and had never seen such a thing. The day came, and the ladies filed into the rented bus which whisked them off to their destination. On the way, they watched out the windows as the city squalor turned into lovely, unpolluted countryside.

After they arrived, they were greeted by the farmer who invited them to look him up should they have any questions. Myrtle, after looking about and being amazed by what she saw, stepped into a building and viewed something she thought was quite remarkable. She saw the farmer walk by and hailed him--he sauntered in. "Sir," she inquired, "Why doesn't this cow have any horns?"

The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone: "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."

Received from Andychaps "The Funnies".

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[GCFL.net] The Dishes

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met a young lady of excellent character and virtue that interested him very much. What should he do?

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great idea, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.

"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."

"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.

"We hadn't started eating yet."

Received from Randall M.Rueff.

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[GCFL.net] Retirement With A Grin

As I was checking my 401(k) account and thinking about retirement, I saw an article about nursing and retirement homes are.

Then it hit me. No nursing home for me!

Here is my plan: I'm checking into the Holiday Inn.

With the average cost for a nursing home reaching $188 per day, there is a better way when we get old and feeble. I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long-term stay discount and senior discount, it's $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for breakfast, lunch, dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service. It also will leave enough for laundry, gratuities, and special TV movies. Plus, I'll get a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, and washer and dryer. I'll also get free toothpaste, razors, shampoo and soap. And I'll be treated like a customer, not a patient.

Five dollars worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling.

There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free.

The handicap bus will also pick me up if I fake a decent limp. Ride the church bus free on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere.

Meanwhile, the cash keeps building up.

It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. On the other hand, Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you are not stuck in one place forever -- you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.

Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there, too.

TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything and apologize for the inconvenience.

The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks if you are OK. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to visit you, and probably check in for a mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool. What more can you ask for?

When I discussed my plan with friends, they came up with even more benefits that Holiday Inn provides retirees. Most standard rooms have coffee makers, reclining chairs, and satellite TV -- all you need to enjoy a cozy afternoon.

After a movie and a good nap, you can check on your children (free local phone calls), then take a stroll to the lounge or restaurant where you meet new and exotic people every day.

Many Holiday Inns even feature live entertainment on the weekends. Often they have special offers, too, like the Kids Eat Free program. You can invite your grandkids over after school to have a free dinner with you. Just tell them not to bring more than three friends.

Pick a Holiday Inn where they allow pets, and your best friend can keep you company as well. If you want to travel, but are a bit skittish about unfamiliar surroundings, you'll always feel at home because wherever you go, the rooms all look the same. And if you're getting a little absent-minded in your old days, you never have to worry about not finding your room -- your electronic key fits only one door and the helpful bellman or desk clerk is on duty 24/7.

Being natural skeptics, we called a Holiday Inn to check out the feasibility of my plan. I'm happy to report that they were positively giddy at the idea of us checking in for a year or more. They even offered to negotiate the rate. We could have easily knocked them down to $40 a night!

So, when I reach the golden age I'll face it with a grin. Just forward all your emails to the Holiday Inn!

Received from FranCMT2.

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Brought to you by GCFL.net: The Good, Clean Funnies List "A cheerful heart is good medicine!" (Prov 17:22a) Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still are! GCFL.net: The Good, Clean Funnies List: Good, clean funnies five times a week, for free . . .AND NO ADS! The latest GCFL funny can always be found on the web at http://gcfl.net/archive/latest.php

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Setting: A small rural community, so small, in fact, the only church in town is a small Baptist church whose pastor must also double up as the local barber to make ends meet.

There happened to be a man in this small community who had invested wisely and was enjoying his newfound comfort. This man got out of bed one day to go through his daily routine. He looked into the mirror as he was about to shave and decided, "I make enough money now, I don't have to shave myself. I'll go down to the barber and let him shave me from now on." So he did.

He walked into the barber shop and found the preacher/barber was out calling on the shut-ins. His wife, Grace, said "I usually do the shaves anyway ... sit down and I'll shave you." So he did. She shaved him and he asked, "How much do I owe you?" "$25," Grace replied. The man thought that was somewhat expensive and that he may have to get a shave every other day. Nonetheless, he paid Grace and went on his way.

The next day, he woke up and found his face to be just as smooth as the day before. No need for a shave today, he thought, well, it was a $25 shave.

The next day he awoke to find his face as smooth as a baby's bottom. Wow! he thought. That's amazing, as he normally would need to shave daily to keep his clean-shaven business look.

Day 3, he woke up and his face was still as smooth as the minute after Grace had finished. Now, somewhat perplexed, the man went down to the barber shop to ask some questions.

This particular day the pastor was in and the man asked him why his face was as smooth as it was the first day it was shaven.

The kind old pastor gently retorted, "Friend, you were shaved by Grace ... and once shaved, always shaved."

Thanks to Laugh A Lot! member Patrick Watts for today's joke!

A pastor, apparently fed up with all the excuses given over the years to why people don't go to church, included this list in the Sunday bulletin:

TEN REASONS WHY I NEVER WASH

1. I was forced to as a child.

2. People who wash are hypocrites -- they think they are cleaner than everybody else.

3. There are so many different kinds of soap, I can't decide which is best.

4. I used to wash, but I got bored and stopped.

5. I wash only on special occasions, like Christmas and Easter.

6. None of my friends wash.

7. I'll start washing when I get older and dirtier.

8. I can't spare the time.

9. The bathroom is never warm enough in winter or cool enough in summer.

10. People who make soap are only after your money.

Useless trivia

It is estimated that Americans will consume 10 million tons of turkey on Thanksgiving Day. Due to turkey's high sulphur content, Americans will also produce enough gas to fly a fleet of 75 Hindenbergs from L.A. to New York in 24 hours. (Non-smoking flights, of course.)

When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home, the stadium becomes the state's third largest city.

The characters Bert and Ernie on "Sesame Street" were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's A Wonderful Life."

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

The longest place-name still in use is Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateatuipu- kakapikimaungahoronukupokaiwenuakitanatahu, a New Zealand hill.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.

The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence "Oz."

Thanks to Laugh A Lot! member Lloyd Rubin for today's joke!

NOW FOR TODAY'S JOKE

A farmer had so many children, he ran out of names, so he started naming his kids after something around the farm. The first day of school began, and the teacher asked each child their name. When he got to one of the farmer's sons, the boy replied, "Wagon Wheel."

The teacher said, "I need your REAL name, son," to which he boy replied, "It's Wagon Wheel, sir, really."

The teacher, in a huff, said, "Alright young man & march yourself right down to the principal's office THIS minute!"

The boy got out of his chair, turned to his sister and said, "Come on, Chicken Feet, he ain't gonna believe YOU, neither!"

FACTS ABOUT AMERICANS

Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.

21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.

Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.

3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations.

91% of us lie regularly.

27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.

50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.

10% believe in the Ten Commandments.

82% believe in an afterlife.

45% believe in ghosts.

13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.

58.4% have called into work sick when they weren't.

When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.

Thanks to Laugh-a-lot member Lloyd Rubin for today's joke!

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George: My dad's very rich, so I don't know what to get him for Christmas. What do you give to a man who has everything?

Harry: A burglar alarm.

This joke was taken by permission from "The All-New Clean Joke Book" by Bob Phillips, published by Harvest House. To purchase this book, go to http://shopping.crosswalk.com/bye/cbd-joke-allnew

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TODAY'S JOKES

Where is tennis mentioned in the Bible?

When Joseph served in Pharoah's court.

What animal took the most baggage into the ark?

The elephant. He took his trunk, while the fox and the rooster only took a brush and a comb.

Who was the most successful physician in the Bible?

Job. He had the most patients.

These jokes were taken by permission from "The World's Greatest Collection of Clean Jokes" by Bob Phillips, published by Harvest House. To purchase this book, go to http://shopping.crosswalk.com/bye/cbd-joke-greatest

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TODAY'S JOKE

Teacher: Why was Adam a famous runner?

Student: Because he was in the first human race.

This joke was taken by permission from "The World's Greatest Collection of Clean Jokes" by Bob Phillips, published by Harvest House. To purchase this book, go to http://shopping.crosswalk.com/bye/cbd-joke-greatest

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TODAY'S JOKE

Reverend Henry Ward Beecher entered Plymouth Church one Sunday and found several letters awaiting him. He opened one and found it contained the single word, "Fool."

Quietly and with becoming seriousness he shared the letter with the congregation and announced: "I have known many an instance of a person writing a letter and forgetting to sign his name, but this is the only instance I have ever known of someone signing his name and forgetting to write the letter."

AND A BONUS JOKE

A young businessman returned home after a tough day at the office and found his two daughters, both about kindergarten age, acting up pretty boisterously. He scolded them and sent them off to bed. The next morning, he found a note stuck on his bedroom door: "Be good to your children, and they will be good to you. God."

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TODAY'S JOKES

What did the leftovers say when they were put into the freezer?

Foiled again.

What machine scares the daylights into you?

An alarm clock.

Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?

To make up for a terrible summer.

What is the longest word in the English language?

Smiles -- because there's a mile between the first and last letter.

What is more blessed to give than to receive?

Advice.

What two words have the most letters?

Post office.

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TODAY'S JOKE

A couple was touring the Capitol in Washington D.C., and the guide pointed out a tall, benevolent gentleman as the congressional chaplain.

The lady asked, "What does the chaplain do? Does he pray for the Senate or House?"

The guide answered, "No, he gets up, looks at the Congress, then prays for the country!"

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TODAY'S JOKES

Parents spend the first part of a child's life urging him to walk and talk, and the rest of his childhood making him sit down and keep quiet.

Adolescence is a series of rapid changes. Between the ages of 12 and 17, for example, a child may see his parents age 20 years.

A little boy never said a word for six years. One day his parents served him cocoa. From out of left field, the kid says, "This cocoa's no good." His parents went around raving. They said to him, "Why did you wait so long to talk?" He said, "Up till now, everything's been okay."

Father: Well, son, what did you learn in school today? Son: I learned to say, "Yes, sir," and "No, sir," and "Yes, ma'am," and "No, ma'am."

Father: Really?

Son: Yeah!

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TODAY'S JOKES

A father was examining his son's report card. "One thing is definitely in your favor," he announced. "With this report card, you couldn't possibly be cheating."

A minister wound up the services one morning by saying, "Next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. And in this connection, as a preparation for my discourse, I should like you all to read the seventeenth chapter of Mark." On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin and said, "Now, then, all of you who have done as requested and read Mark 17, please raise your hands." Nearly every hand in the congregation went up. Then said the preacher, "You are the people I want to talk to. There is no seventeenth chapter of Mark!"

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TODAY'S JOKE

A Kansas cyclone hit a farmhouse just before dawn one morning. It lifted the roof off, picked up the beds on which the farmer and his wife slept, and set them down gently in the next county.

The wife began to cry.

"Don't be scared, Mary," the husband said. "We're not hurt."

Mary continued to cry. "I'm not scared," she responded between sobs. "I'm happy 'cause this is the first time in 14 years we've been out together."

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TODAY'S JOKES

A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he or she says happens at home."

Why does Santa Claus have three gardens?

So he can hoe, hoe, hoe.

------SUBSCRIPTION INFO------------

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A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."

************

What are a woman's four favorite animals?

A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and a donkey who'll pay for it all.

===========

The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you

4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.

6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.

===========

There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"

The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"

===========

In San Francisco, a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into a local branch and wrote, "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and that they might call the police before he even reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it, noticing all of his spelling errors. She quickly surmised that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor.

Then she told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

===========

I JUST KNEW I WAS IN BIG TROUBLE AT WORK WHEN...

...the new policy on sexual harassment included a photo of me.

...the Security guard made a complete inventory of my work area.

...my assistant began responding to my memos with, "Yeah, whatever."

...I got a "It's for you loser" .wav receiving e-mail, & not a chime.

...my new Pentium was replaced with an 386sx-16 last weekend.

...the Human Resources Dept requested an update of my arrest record.

...the Boss asked if I still had a copy of my 5 year contract.

...I noticed co-workers measuring my office when I arrived at work.

...my parking spot was relocated next to the dumpster.

...my secretary sez things like "Get the phone, my nails aren't dry."

...three people began helping me write a "desk manual" for my job.

...the LAN suddenly began backing-up my computer every 10 minutes.

...a large paper recycling box was placed next to my file cabinets.

...the receptionist began saying "Who ???" to anyone calling on me.

===========

While the brokers were busily calling potential customers to drum up business, the president of the firm stopped to eavesdrop on a new employee. He listened as the young man talked eight consecutive contacts into moving their stock portfolios to him.

The boss approached the young man and said, "I've been listening in, and I must say I'm impressed with your ability.

Where did you learn so much about talking to investors?"

"Yale, sir," the young man answered.

Impressed, the boss said, "Oh, that's fine, just fine.

And what's your name?"

"Yackson," he replied.

===========

Recent confusion about the meaning of the abbreviation BTU has lead to the creation of set definitions that may be used when discussing its meaning.

1. Big Time Unemployment

2. Buy Thermal Underwear

3. Bill's Tax Utopia

4. Being Totally Unfair

===========

A man goes into an ice cream parlor and says, "I'd like two scoops of chocolate ice cream, please."

The girl behind the counter says, "I'm very sorry, sir, but our delivery truck broke down this morning. We're out of chocolate,"

"In that case," the man says, "I'll have two scoops of chocolate ice cream."

"You don't understand, sir," the girl says. "We have no chocolate."

"Then just give me some chocolate," he says.

Getting angrier by the second, the girl says, "Sir, will you spell VAN, as in vanilla?"

The man says, "V-A-N."

"Now spell STRAW, as in strawberry."

"OK. S-T-R-A-W."

"Now," the girl says, "spell STINK, as in chocolate."

The man hesitates. Then he says. "There is no stink in chocolate."

"THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!" she screams.

===========

I've heard there's a new programming language out from University of Tennessee. It's called Algor.

There are some problems with it though. The syntax is very formal and inflexible. And it's not a very powerful language either, since it won't allow you to alter the operating environment. Its survival is also partially dependent upon an even slower and lower quality language called Blinton.

Personally, I don't think either will be around in four years.

===========

The patient lifts his hand above his head and says,

"Doctor, it hurts every time I go like this."

"Well, don't go like that," the doctor says.

"Doctor, I have a terrible pain in my right foot."

"Have you ever had this pain before?"

"Yes."

"Well, you've got it again."

===========

A farmer stood leaning on a fence at the edge of his property. He watched as a red sports car came over the top of a hill and followed the road up to the spot where he stood. The driver pulled over to the side of the road and called out to the farmer.

"Do you know how I can get to Route 91?" the driver asked.

The farmer thought for a few seconds. Then he said, "Nope."

"Do you know where the nearest turnpike entrance is?"

the driver asked.

"Nope."

"How about the town of Hadley. Do you know which direction it is from here?"

"Nope."

Exasperated, the driver raced his engine. "You don't know very much, do you?" he said.

"Nope," the farmer replied. "But I'm not lost."

===========

Jack Benny and George Burns became friends when both were young performers working their way up through the vaudeville circuit, and they remained friends until Benny died. One day, they were lunching at a Hollywood restaurant, and Benny was wrestling with the problem of whether or not to butter his bread.

"I like butter on my bread," he said. "But my diet strictly forbids butter. Maybe I should call Mary and ask her what to do."

"Jack," Burns said, "don't be ridiculous. You're a grown man. You should be able to decide, without your wife's help, whether or not to butter your own bread."

"You're right," Benny said. "I'll just have the butter, that's all."

When the waiter arrived with the check, Burns pointed to Benny and said, "He's paying."

"What?" Benny said. "Why should I have to pay the whole bill?"

"Because if you don't," Burns said, "I'll tell Mary about the butter."

===========

On a stifling hot day, a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. As traffic began to pile up in all directions, a woman rushed to help him. As she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right, honey. I've had a course in first aid."

She stood up and watched as he took the man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. Then she tapped him on the shoulder.

"When you get to the part about calling a doctor," she said, "I'm already here."

===========

Ed arrived home some six hours late from his usual Saturday golf foursome. Edna, his wife, immediately lit into him: "You have some nerve leaving me home alone all day. I had to cancel dinner with our friends and send the baby sitter home.

You better have a good explanation, mister!"

Flustered, Ed told Edna that their game was interrupted by the untimely sudden death of Stan, one of their playing partners. "Edna, honey, Stan died of a massive heart attack just as we were about to tee off on two. If there's a silver lining, it's that he went suddenly doing what he loved best."

Saddened, Edna comforted her husband, "I'm so sorry. But tell me something," Edna asked, with a note of anger returning to her voice, "If he died on the first tee, what took you so long?"

"Well," said Ed, "for the next seventeen holes it was the same thing: Hit the ball and drag Stan, Hit the ball and drag Stan."

===========

"Daddy, where did I come from?" the seven-year-old asked.

It was a moment for which her parents had carefully prepared. They took her into the living room, got out the encyclopedia and several other books, and explained all they thought she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproductions. Then they both sat back and smiled contentedly.

"Does that answer your question?" her father asked.

"Not really," the little girl said. "Marcia said she came from Detroit. I want to know where I came from."

===========

Fresh out of business school, a young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"

"I'll start you at eighty thousand."

"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed.

"How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

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Crosswalk - You Make Me Laugh:

Gifts For Men

Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.

Rule #1:

When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2:

If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3:

If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4:

Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5:

You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #7:

Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #8:

Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts.Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9:

Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10:

Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. NAPA Auto Parts and Sear's Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks."

Rule #11:

Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #12:

Tickets to a football game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #13:

Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label-maker.

Rule #14:

It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #15:

Rope. Men love rope. It takes them back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manilla rope.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*

http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

The 12 Bugs of Christmas

Too many of us have had to deal with software problems and support like this!

The 12 Bugs of Christmas - A Software Developers' Version

1. For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:

See if they can do it again.

2. For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.

3. For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.

4. For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.

5. For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:

Ask for a dump

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.

6. For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:

Reinstall the software

Ask for a dump

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.

7. For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:

Say they need an upgrade

Reinstall the software

Ask for a dump

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.

8. For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:

Find a way around it

Say they need an upgrade

Reinstall the software

Ask for a dump

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.

9. For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:

Blame it on the hardware

Find a way around it

Say they need an upgrade

Reinstall the software

Ask for a dump

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.

10. For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:

Change the documentation

Blame it on the hardware

Find a way around it

Say they need an upgrade

Reinstall the software

Ask for a dump

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.

11. For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:

Say it's not supported

Change the documentation

Blame it on the hardware

Find a way around it

Say they need an upgrade

Reinstall the software

Ask for a dump

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.

12. For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:

Tell them it's a feature

Say it's not supported

Change the documentation

Blame it on the hardware

Find a way around it

Say they need an upgrade

Reinstall the software

Ask for a dump

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*

http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Christmas Explained

The other night, three-year-old Billy was showing the terra cotta Nativity scene in his living room to his stuffed dragon.

"This is an Activity scene," he said to the dragon.

"It's when they put breakable things out to watch the Baby Jesus sleep."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*

http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

'Twas the Night Before Finals

T'was the night before finals,

And all through the college,

The students were praying

For last minute knowledge.

Most were quite sleepy,

But none touched their beds,

While visions of essays

Danced in their heads.

Out in the sports field,

There were some throwing,

In hope that some exercise

Would get their brains going.

In my own apartment,

I had been pacing,

Dreading all those exams

I soon would be facing.

My roommate was speechless,

His nose in his books,

And my comments to him

Drew unfriendly looks.

I drained all the coffee,

And brewed a new pot,

No longer caring

That my nerves were shot.

I stared at my notes,

But my thoughts were all muddy,

My eyes went a'blur,

I just couldn't study.

"Some pizza might help,"

I said with a shiver,

But each place I called

Refused to deliver.

I'd pretty much concluded

Life is unfair and cruel,

Since our futures all depend

On grades made in school.

When all of a sudden,

Our door opened wide,

And Patron Saint Put-It-Off

Ambled inside.

Her spirit was careless,

Her manner was mellow,

She looked at the mess

And started to bellow:

"Why should us students

Make such a fuss,

About what those teachers

Toss out to us?"

"On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes!

On Last Year's Exams!

On Wingit and Slingit,

And Last Minute Crams!"

Her message delivered,

She vanished from sight,

But we heard her laughing

Outside in the night.

"Your teachers won't flunk you,

So just do your best.

Happy Finals to All,

And to All, a good test."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*

http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

*Eye Laugh*

"Snowman Presents"

http://www.cybersalt.org/go.php?id=cw353

"Tough Guy"

http://www.cybersalt.org/go.php?id=cw585

"Looking Down"

http://www.cybersalt.org/go.php?id=cw588

"Not Thrilled"

http://www.cybersalt.org/go.php?id=cw365

Crosswalk

Daily devotionals are available at http://link.Crosswalk.Com/UM/T.asp?A1. 39. 17757. 1. 494611 You can access more information on Crosswalk's Fun page http://www.Crosswalk.Com/fun/! Crosswalk gives credit to the author of a joke when author is known. Feel free to send notification to admin@cybersalt.org in cases where credit has not been given to the author! -SUBSCRIPTION INFO- * Copyright2002 Crosswalk.Com, Inc. and its Content Providers. All rights reserved. Introducing www.Crossguide.Com Where Christians find Products, Services & Ministries.

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"Don't strive for recognition, but work for achievement." -- Vanessa Malone

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Madeleine Begun Kane Latest Columns - - http://www.madkane.com/radio-interview-humor.html - - When Radio Interviews Go Wrong "Every so often, radio talk shows give up their quest for amusing guests and interview me instead. I always welcome the opportunity to be exposed to a 4:30 a.m. audience of roughly eleven people..."

Madeleine Begun Kane, Humor Columnist

http://www.madkane.com

http://www.madkane.com/notable.html (Notables Weblog)

http://www.madkane.com/bush.html (Dubya's Dayly Diary)

Subscribe to MadKane Humor Newsletter (weekly) here:

http://www.madkane.com/email.html

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Strong Meteor Shower Peaks Monday Night - - http://www.space.com/spacewatch/041210-geminid-meteors.html - - If you were disappointed with the meager showing put on by this year s Leonid meteor shower, don t fret. What could be the best meteor display of the year is scheduled to reach its peak on Monday night, Dec. 13.

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Specialty Dictionaries - - http://www.yourdictionary.com/diction4.html - - Not even a native speaker knows all the words of his own language. Technical vocabulary is used only by specialists and so is not generally known by non-specialists. At this site you will find dictionaries and glossaries of specialized words in the English language, from Accounting to Wine.

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"It used to be common for men and women to get a marriage certificate not too long after collecting their high school diploma. Not anymore. Census Bureau figures for 2003 show one-third of men and nearly one-quarter of women between the ages of 30 and 34 have never been married, nearly four times the rates in 1970. It's further evidence young people are focusing on education and careers before settling down and beginning families, experts say. Societal taboos about couples living together before marriage also have eased, said Linda Waite, a University of Chicago sociologist. Jeni Landers, a 30-year-old law student from Boston, said she considers living together a requirement before saying 'I do.' I don't know how people got married before living together first," said Landers, who moved in with her fiance after getting engaged nearly a year ago.' This is crucial to see how you get along."

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As you type into the search box, Google Suggest guesses what you're typing and offers suggestions in real time. This is similar to Google's "Did you mean?" feature that offers alternative spellings for your query after you search, except that it works in real time. For example, if you type "bass," Google Suggest might offer a list of refinements that include "bass fishing" or "bass guitar." Similarly, if you type in only part of a word, like "progr," Google Suggest might offer you refinements like "programming," "programming languages," "progesterone," or "progressive." You can choose one by scrolling up or down the list with the arrow keys or mouse. - - http://www.google.com/webhp?complete=1&hl=en

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"More than 40 percent of Americans take at least one prescription drug and one-in-six takes at least three, the government reported December 2, 2004. 'Americans are taking medicines that lower cholesterol and reduce the threat of heart disease, that help lift people out of debilitating depressions, and that keep diabetes in check,' Health and Human Services Secretary Tommy G. Thompson said in a statement. The annual report on Americans' health found that just over 44 percent of all Americans take at least one prescription drug, and 16.5 percent take at least three. Those rates were up from 39 percent and 12 percent between 1988 and 1994, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reported." - - http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/pressroom/04news/hus04.htm

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School Information Partership - - http://www.schoolresults.org/ - - Parents in Alaska, California, Hawaii, Kansas, and Rhode Island can now check-in on their child's school performance and test scores with the click of a mouse. Free, easily accessible data is now available online that compares all of a state's public schools to each other so that parents, policy makers and community leaders can determine which schools are measuring up and which schools need help. By the end of 2004, data from all 50 states, Washington, D.C. and Puerto Rico will be available on the web site.

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"Young people are now the savviest of the tech-savvy, as likely to demand a speedy broadband connection as to download music onto an iPod, or upload digital photos to their Web logs. The Internet has shaped the way they work, relax and even date. It's created a different notion of community for them and new avenues for expression that are, at best, liberating and fun - but that also can become a forum for pettiness and, occasionally, criminal exploitation. 'Students are continuously connected to other students and friends and family in ways that older generations never would have imagined,' says Steve Jones, chairman of the communications department at the University of Illinois at Chicago and a senior research fellow with the Pew Internet & American Life Project. More than any previous generation, today's young people are plugged in - all the time - with a world of communication and information at their fingertips."

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Home Energy Saver - - http://www.homeenergysaver.lbl.gov/ - - The Home Energy Saver calculates how much energy your home uses. It then offers recommendations on how to decrease that amount. The first web-based do-it-yourself energy audit tool. Start saving energy in your home today!

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"Murders in the United States dropped by nearly 6 percent in the first half of the year after rising for four straight years, the FBI reported December 13, 2004. Almost all other crimes declined, too. Overall, violent crime was down 2 percent in the first six months of the year compared with the same period of 2003, according to preliminary figures provided to the FBI by more than 10,700 state and local police agencies. Violent crime includes murder, rape, robbery and aggravated assault. Property crimes - burglary, larceny and motor vehicle theft - also declined about 2 percent, and arsons fell by nearly 7 percent. The only crime that increased was rape, which was up 1.4 percent nationwide and 6.5 percent in cities with populations of 1 million or more."

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How Cholesterol Works - - http://health.howstuffworks.com/cholesterol.htm - - Medical research shows that high levels of cholesterol are associated with heart disease, the nation's number one killer. Statistics say that more than half of all Americans have cholesterol levels that exceed the recommended total. This How Stuff Works sites helps you determine if you're at risk and, if you are, what you can do about it.

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"Big airlines now in bankruptcy protection have run up tens of millions of dollars in debt to the nation's airports. But, aviation finance experts say, airports as a group have pulled through the industry's worst downturn in far better shape than the airlines. Initial court petitions of three airlines now operating in bankruptcy protection - United Airlines, US Airways and ATA Airlines - showed airports among their top creditors. They're owed more than $51 million in unsecured debt, mostly for landing fees and space rental."

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Cancer Mortality Maps & Graphs - - http://www3.cancer.gov/atlasplus/ - - The Cancer Mortality Maps & Graph Web Site provides interactive maps, graphs (which are accessible to the blind and visually-impaired), text, tables and figures showing geographic patterns and time trends of cancer death rates for the time period 1950-1994 for more than 40 cancers.

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"Sophisticated credit-scoring technology has made it easier for lenders to measure a borrower's risk, fueling the growth of the subprime market. Unfortunately, the information used to calculate credit scores is often inaccurate, incomplete or fraudulent, consumer groups say. The U.S. Public Interest Research Group recently asked members in 30 states to review their credit reports for accuracy. The result: 25% of the 200 reports surveyed contained mistakes that could lead to denial of credit or higher interest rates, says Ed Mierzwinski, consumer director for the group."

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Word Count - - http://www.wordcount.org/main.php - - This site looks at how we use words and how often we use them. Presenting the 86,800 most frequently used English words, ranked in order of commonality. The site uses data from the British National Corpus, a collection of more than 100 million words representing a cross-section of English usage.

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"Parents of overweight and obese kids often don't realize that their children are carrying excess pounds, new research shows. A survey of parents of nearly 300 children showed that only one-quarter of parents of overweight children recognized that their children had a weight problem. And even when kids were obese, around one-third of mothers and more than one-half of fathers said they thought their children's weight was 'about right.' Moreover, only one-quarter of parents said they were at least a 'little worried' about their overweight children, according to the report in the British Medical Journal. Not surprisingly, most parents who did not realize their children were overweight were unconcerned about their children's weight."

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Our Church, Magnolia Christian Center, has the following mission statement. Our purpose is to build a great church for the glory of God through the great commission and the great commandment. MCC' Vision - That MCC will be a place hopping with children, energized with teenagers, balanced with diversity and transformed by the power of God! We want to turn uninterested people into interested people and win the lost to make fully devoted followers of Christ.

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The Sands of Christmas

I had no Christmas spirit when I breathed a weary sigh, and looked across the table where the bills were piled too high. The laundry wasn't finished and the car I had to fix, My stocks were down another point, the Cowboys lost by six.

And so with only minutes till my grandson got home from school I gave up on the drudgery and grabbed a wooden stool. The burdens that I carried were about all I could take, and so I flipped the TV on to catch a little break.

I came upon a desert scene in shades of tan and rust, No snowflakes hung upon the wind, just clouds of swirling dust. And where the reindeer should have stood before a laden sleigh, eight hummers ran a column right behind an M1A.

A group of boys walked past the tank, not one was past his teens, Their eyes were hard as polished flint, their faces drawn and lean. They walked the street in armor with their rifles shouldered tight, their dearest wish for Christmas, just to have a silent night.

Other soldiers gathered, hunkered down against the wind, To share a scrap of mail and dreams of going home again. There wasn't much at all to put their lonely hearts at ease, They had no Christmas turkey, just a pack of MREs.

They didn't have a garland or a stocking I could see, They didn't need an ornament-- they lacked a Christmas Tree. They didn't have a present even though it was tradition, the only boxes I could see were labeled "ammunition."

I felt a little tug and found my son now by my side, He asked me what it was I feared, and why it was I cried. I swept him up into my arms and held him oh so near and kissed him on the forehead as I whispered in his ear.

There's nothing wrong my little son, for safe we sleep tonight, our heroes stand on foreign land to give us all the right, to worry on the things in life that mean nothing at all, instead of wondering if we will be the next to fall.

He looked at me as children do and said its always right, to thank the ones who help us and perhaps that we should write. And so we pushed aside the bills and sat to draft a note, to thank the many far from home, and this is what we wrote:

God Bless You all and keep you safe, and speed your way back home. Remember that we love you so, and that you're not alone. The gift you give you share with all, a present every day, You give the gift of liberty and that we can't repay.

A tribute to the men and women

who serve every day to keep our nation safe.

Thanks to Angie Caldwell

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Ake Green, pastor of a Pentecostal church, was sentenced to one month in prison!

This is an elderly man, a gentle and humble man of God who loves people and loves the Lord. So what did he do to be sent to prison? What was his crime?

Sentenced to Prison for PREACHING THE GOSPEL!

Do not let this happen in your church. Join our nationwide campaign for free speech by signing our FREEDOM OF SPEECH online petition right now. - - https://www.centerformoralclarity.net/HOWPetition.aspx - -

Pastor Green was condemned in Swedish court for citing biblical references at his church in Kalmar, Sweden - like Romans 1:24-27 - against sexual immorality.

Prosecutors claim that Pastor Green's sermon was a "hate speech against homosexuals." Ridiculous!

God is clear on the issue. It is our responsibility as Christians and our right as free citizens to proclaim biblical truth.

Tragically, it seems the right to free speech has been struck down in Sweden. A Swedish hate crimes law forbids criticism of homosexuality. Canada recently passed similar legislation.

These laws have become weapons to intimidate and punish those who dare to cry out for morality and truth.

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TGIF-Today God Is First

Elevated From the Pasture

Friday, December 17, 2004

by Os Hillman

Now then, tell my servant David, "This is what the Lord Almighty says: I took you from the pasture and from following the flock to be ruler over My people Israel." ~ 2 Samuel 7:8

Have you ever heard someone say, "He is a self-made millionaire"? They are stating that this person accomplished everything through his own efforts. His achievements were a result of his hard work and street smarts.

David was nearing the end of his life. The prophet Nathan was responding to David's idea to build a temple where the Ark of the Covenant would stay. God reminded David of his roots and where He had brought him. God took David from the fields of pasturing sheep to pastoring a nation. God reminded David that He cut off all of David's enemies. (David never lost a battle.)

Have you ever felt tempted to look at your accomplishments with pride as if you were the reason for your success? Have you ever thought your prosperity was due to your ingenuity? Has your material success been a testimony to others that God is the ruler of all aspects of your life, even the material side?

Joseph's greatest test was not his temptation to be bitter against his brothers. It wasn't the sexual temptation that came inside Potiphar's house. It wasn't even the discouragement of years of imprisonment for being wrongfully accused. It was the temptation of prosperity and ownership. Once he was elevated, he was given choices that he never had before. It was totally up to him as to which choice he would make. Stewardship reveals what we believe about God and ourselves.

Not every man can carry a full cup. Sudden elevation frequently leads to pride and a fall. The most exacting test of all to survive is prosperity. -Oswald Chambers

Do you have a proper understanding of who you are? Do you understand that it is God who has given you the ability to work and achieve? He is the source of all good things. Ask God today if your life models this belief.

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NewsScan Daily, 2004 ("Above The Fold")

******************

NewsScan Daily is underwritten by RLG, a world-class organization making significant and sustained contributions to the effective management and appropriate use of information technology. NSD is written by John Gehl and Suzanne Douglas, editors@NewsScan.Com.

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FINALLY! -- ORACLE BUYS PEOPLESOFT

After failing in five previous attempts to acquire PeopleSoft, business software giant Oracle has announced a "definitive merger agreement" with its smaller rival. Oracle will pay about $10.3 billion to buy PeopleSoft (or about $10 a share more than its original offer 18 months ago and $2 higher than what it had called its "best and final offer" last month). Oracle co-president Charles Phillips says, "This is a major turning point for the entire enterprise software industry." (Washington Post 13 Dec 2004)

BROWSING WITH AOL

To fight competition in an increasingly broadband world, America Online -- which began life as a dial-up Internet service provider -- has developed its own software for browsing the Web and playing movies and songs. The standalone browser's core will be Microsoft's Internet Explorer (chosen by AOL so that users won't have to make "a leap of faith"), but AOL is planning to add such features as tabbed browsing, and will provide tools for countering e-mail "phishing" scams and searching files on the user's computer. (AP/San Jose Mercury News 12 Dec 2004)

STRAINED SILICON

IBM and Advanced Micro Devices (AMD), working together to improve a chip-making technology called "strained silicon," have developed a way to boost semiconductor performance by about 12%. In the straining process, silicon is chemically strained to increase the flow of electrons. Nick Kepler, vice president of logic technology development at AMD, says: "We have succeeded in building a better mousetrap, but doing it by innovating with the conventional materials." (Reuters/USA Today 13 Dec 2004)

THE ONE THING YOU'VE JUST GOT TO HAVE

Woot.com is an Internet retailer with a gimmick: it sells just a single item each weekday, starting at midnight local time in its Dallas home base and continuing until there is no more of that item left to sell. Woot (short for "Wow! Loot!") doesn't tell its shoppers how many watches, laptops or hot-tub phones it has. If it runs out of inventory of the item, shoppers just have to wait until midnight for the next offering. The site has apparently developed a fanatical following, but Forrester Research analyst Carrie A. Johnson suggests it may lose out to sites with more offerings, such as Overstock.com. Yet Woot has attracted imitators, such as Deal.com, which offers a daily special that starts at full price and is discounted every 15 minutes. (AP/Los Angeles Times 12 Dec 2004)

iTUNES TO ACCEPT PENPAL PAYMENTS

Apple online music store iTunes will now accept PayPal for purchases of music downloads, audiobooks and gift certificates. PayPal, a subsidiary of eBay, makes it possible for any individual or business with an e-mail address to send and receive payments online. Apple executive Eddy Cue says the deal with PayPal will bring more customers to iTunes: "PayPal already has millions of customers who are used to buying online." (AP 12 Dec 2004)

GOOGLE CUTS DEAL WITH LIBRARIES TO DIGITIZE HOLDINGS

Flush with new wealth after its IPO last summer, Google has offered to underwrite the cost of digitizing library collections at Harvard, Stanford, Oxford, the University of Michigan and the New York Public Library. Although company executives declined to comment on the total funding amount, one estimate pegs it at $10 for each of the more than 15 million books and other documents covered in the agreement. The announcement comes as a number of other library digitization projects are underway, including one at the Library of Congress to put selections of its best holdings online and one at the University of California to create the California Digital Library. In addition, the Library of Congress and a group of international libraries from the U.S., Canada, Egypt, China and the Netherlands say they're planning to create a publicly available digital archive of one million books on the Internet. The trend toward online libraries and virtual card catalogs has publishers scrambling to respond and libraries rethinking their central mission as storehouses of printed, indexed material. "Our world is about to change in a big, big way," says Daniel Greenstein, university librarian for the California Digital Library. Instead of devoting time and effort to maintaining physical collections, libraries in the future can focus on gathering information and making it accessible online. (New York Times 14 Dec 2004)

CHANGING PARTNERS.

Verizon and its wireless partner Vodafone are poised to make an offer for Sprint, a deal that would scuttle Sprint's tentative plans for a $35-billion merger with Nextel. Although there are still regulatory hurdles and tax issues to overcome, a successful bid by Verizon would turn Verizon Wireless, currently No. 2 in the U.S. after Cingular, into a wireless behemoth with more than 65 million customers. Market leader Cingular claims about 47 million subscribers, thanks to its recent acquisition of AT&T Wireless. And although Vodafone's support comes with a price tag -- it apparently wants a new dividend arrangement for Verizon Wireless and the right to buy Verizon's stake in Vodafone Italy -- the deal with Sprint may prove irresistible, as it would give Verizon access to much-needed spectrum, especially as it's trying to roll out EVDO, or wireless high-speed Internet access, as an alternative to DSL. (Wall Street Journal 14 Dec 2004) (sub req'd)

REPORT CONCLUDES LINUX HAS FEWER FLAWS

A four-year research effort by code-analysis firm Coverity has concluded that Linux has significantly fewer software bugs in it than most commercial counterparts. Coverity uncovered 985 flaws in the 5.7 million lines of code that make up the Linux core operating system, compared with the more than 5,000 defects typically found in commercial software of similar size. "Linux is a very good system in terms of bug density," says Coverity CEO Seth Hallem. Though Coverity's report doesn't contain any specific data about the frequency of glitches in Microsoft's Windows operating system, it's likely to add fuel to the debate over which system -- Linux, Mac OS or Windows -- is most secure. One recent report found that Red Hat Linux contained fewer critical flaws than Microsoft Windows, while a Forrester Research study (sponsored by Microsoft) unsurprisingly favored Microsoft. (CNet News.com 13 Dec 2004)

MICROSOFT UNVEILS DESKTOP SEARCH TOOL

Hot on the heels of Google's Desktop Search launch two months ago, Microsoft has rolled out its competing MSN Toolbar Suite that enables users to search for keywords in a variety of types of files, from e-mails to instant messages to PDFs. Google's Desktop Search does not support searches in PDF files but, unlike MSN Toolbar, it does record all Web pages visited. Both products are still in beta stage, but meanwhile the competition is heating up with Yahoo's announcement last week that it will launch a desktop search product in January, and AOL's plans to join the fray sometime early next year. (AP 13 Dec 2004)

ICANN GIVES THE NOD TO TWO MORE DOMAINS

ICANN, the Internet's oversight agency, has given preliminary approval for two additional domain names -- ".mobi," which would delineate Web sites and other services specifically geared toward cell phones, and ".jobs," which would target the human resources community. In October, ICANN gave preliminary approval to ".post" for postal services and ".travel" for the travel industry. ICANN will now begin negotiations with the applicants of all four suffixes on creating and running the domains. There are currently about 250 domain names, mostly for specific countries, such as ".ch" for Switzerland. (AP/Washington Post 13 Dec 2004)

U.S. AND TIME WARNER: LET'S SETTLE UP

Time Warner has agreed to settle with the government in two separate cases: the Justice Department's investigation of whether AOL's advertising deals with smaller Internet companies were used to exaggerate AOL growth, and the SEC's investigation into accounting irregularities at the company. Time Warner is expected to pay $500-600 million to settle all civil and criminal accusations with the two agencies. (New York Times 15 Dec 2004)

SPRINT AND NEXTEL PLAN MERGER

Sprint and Nextel plan to merge into a new company called "Sprint Nextel" (but there are separate indications that Verizon Wireless may be making Nextel a better offer). Sprint Nextel, which would have a combined total of more than 35 million subscribers and a combined market value of $70 billion, would become the third-largest wireless company, behind Cingular Wireless and Verizon Wireless. (Washington Post 25 Dec 2004)

CONCERNS ABOUT GOOGLE'S ONLINE READING ROOM

Google's new plan to digitize the collections of leading research libraries to establish a massive online reading room causes some librarians to fear the commercialization of their institutions. Duane Webster, executive director of the Association of Research Libraries, explains, "There is anxiety about whether the student researcher, scholar or citizen will be guided into the free public access rather than being lured into a purchasing relationship with the publisher." Webster suggests that to allay those fears, free, open access must remain an option. However, he also makes clear that the greater good of expanding the public's access to resources outweighs the eventual possibility that ads would be attached to library materials. Brewster Kahle, founder and president of the Internet Archive, comments: "The public domain belongs to the public and should be publicly accessible without running only into commercial interests. There's room for both, and I hope that we do not evolve into an either-or situation." (AP/San Jose Mercury News 15 Dec 2004)

HOLLYWOOD SUES "PARASITE" BITTORRENT USERS

Hollywood movie studios have filed copyright infringement lawsuits against the operators of computer servers that BitTorrent software to relay digital movie files across online file-sharing networks. John Malcolm of the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA) says: "Today's actions are aimed at individuals who deliberately set up and operate computer servers and Web sites that, by design, allow people to infringe copyrighted motion pictures. These people are parasites, leeching off the creativity of others. Their illegal conduct is brazen and blatant." However, Fred von Lohmann, an attorney with the Electronic Frontier Foundation, warns: "By bringing these suits, the MPAA runs the risk of pushing the tens of millions of file sharers to more decentralized technologies that will be harder to police." (AP/USA Today 15 Dec 2004)

WIRELESS ACCESS ON JETS?

The Federal Communications Commission (FCC) is considering a plan that would allow air travelers wireless high-speed Internet access. David Stempler, president of the Air Travelers Association, says the changes under consideration would "make business travelers more efficient and while away the time for a lot of other passengers. This is all the wave of the future here." (AP/Los Angeles Times 15 Dec 2004)

WHAT PROSPECT FOR CHANGE IN COPYRIGHT POLICY?

On the issue of protecting music and movies from Internet piracy, Senator Orrin Hatch (R, UT), a songwriter himself, has been the entertainment industry's most powerful ally in Congress, but in 2005 Sen. Arlen Specter (R, PA) will replace Hatch as chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee. Will there be much change? One aide says that Specter "has been a follower rather than a leader on these issues" and therefore might let Hatch keep holding the reins. However, David Green of the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA) predicts that Specter will rise to the occasion: "Copyright issues are important and they're going to percolate up, and it's really impossible for him to ignore them. He might be right now more interested in something else, but because these issues are important to America they are going to be important to Arlen Specter." (Washington Post 16 Dec 2004)

SEARCHING FOR THE FUTURE OF TV

The startup search engine Blinkx will allow users to search the Web for selected video clips from 15 television channels, so that, for example, if you type in "Kofi Annan" Blinkx will offer a selection of digitized clips cued up to the point where the U.N. secretary general is mentioned. Coming soon with similar services: Yahoo, Google, and Microft. Blinkx, which has analyzed and indexed 42,000 hours of video, says "fair use" provisions of copyright law allow it to show a clip of up to 30 seconds. But attorney Daniel Harris, an intellectual property attorney, warns: "It definitely sounds like an area where there could be lawsuits." (Wall Street Journal 16 Dec 2004)

GEICO CASE AGAINST GOOGLE DISMISSED BY JUDGE

A federal district court judge in Virginia has dismissed a key claim in the trademark infringement suit brought against Google by Geico, the auto insurance company. Geico had argued that the Google practice that allows Geico's competitors to buy ads linked to searches for "Geico" and "Geico Direct" confuses Web surfers who are looking specifically for Geico, but the judge ruled that there was not enough evidence the Google practice actually confuses consumers. One intellectual property attorney not involved in the case predicts: "It will not be binding precedent. That's how cases get to the Supreme Court."(New York Times 15 Dec 2004)

ANOTHER ROUND IN THE APPLE-VS.-REAL NETWORKS FIGHT

Apple has begun blocking the technology that RealNetworks created to evade the copy-protection shield used by Apple's iPod. When RealNetworks introduced its Harmony technology this summer, it hoped to dissolve some of the barriers created by incompatible, proprietary digital music standards, and said it had reverse-engineered Apple's copy-protection code to allow songs purchased from non-Apple online outlets to be playable on the iPod. To deal with Apple's new move, RealNetworks now says it "will look at the Apple upgrade and see how it'll make Harmony work once again with the iPod." (AP/San Jose Mercury News 15 Dec 2004)

ILLINOIS LEGISLATION TO REGULATE OVER-THE-TOP VIDEOGAMES

Illinois may be the first state in the country to regulate the sale and rental of violent and "adult" videogames, including ones such as "Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas," where players kill cops, steal cars, solicit prostitutes and then beat them to get their money back. Two bills being promoted by Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich would make it a crime for retailers to rent or sell such violent or sexually graphic material to minors. The videogame industry seems ready to shrug off the governor's proposals, and a spokesman for the Video Software Dealers Association says, "Every time there's a major new release, or a new release of technology, you see new attempts to regulate this industry." (Los Angeles Times 16 Dec 2004)

'TIS THE SEASON TO BE SHOPPING.

Security software firm Symantec is buying storage specialist Veritas Software in a deal worth about $13.5 billion. The combined powerhouse is expected to bring in about $5 billion a year and marks the second major consolidation in the enterprise software market this week, following Oracle's acquisition of PeopleSoft for about $10 billion. Analysts are predicting further consolidation as companies attempt to increase their range of products to provide one-stop solutions for tight IT budgets. "This acquisition. is about remaining competitive in a consolidating market filled with giants like Cisco, Hewlett-Packard, IBM and Sun," says a Forrester Research report issued this week. (CNet News.com 16 Dec 2004)

.. AND SHOPPING!

EBay is snapping up Rent.com, a closely held apartment-rental Web site, for roughly $415 million in a move that further diversifies the online auctioneer from a purveyor of goods into a service provider. Rent.com matches landlords with tenants online, charging property owners a $375 fee for each successful transaction. This past year eBay purchased two international classified Web sites and took a minority stake in Craigslist, a U.S.-based classified Web site. "This was also a pretty complementary business model for us," says eBay North America president Bill Cobb of the Rent.com acquisition. "Their revenues come from a success fee which is like" eBay's sales commissions. (Wall Street Journal 17 Dec 2004) (sub req'd)

CALIFORNIA DREAMIN' OF GREENER GADGETS

The California Energy Commission Wednesday unanimously approved standards to be phased in beginning in 2006 that would require household appliances sold in the state, including televisions, VCRs, DVD players and cell phone chargers, to run on one to three watts. Even when idle, such appliances now typically gobble up two to 10 watts. Commissioners estimate that compliance with the new guidelines will save commercial and residential power customers more than $3 billion over 15 years. (Los Angeles Times 17 Dec 2004)

STATE TROOPERS ISSUING ELECTRONIC TICKETS

Well, it certainly cuts down on paperwork -- 50 Alabama state trooper vehicles are already equipped with laptops, scanners and printers that enable them to issue traffic tickets electronically and zap them directly to county courthouses rather than deliver them in person. Within two years, the state hopes to have the equipment in all 325 patrol cars, says state Public Safety Director Mike Coppage. Once e-citations are in use statewide, the next goal is to allow state troopers file accident investigation reports electronically and to enable them to access criminal records from their vehicles. (AP 16 Dec 2004)

*****

HONORARY SUBSCRIBER: DIXY LEE RAY

Today's Honorary Subscriber is the zoologist and marine biologist Dixy Lee Ray (1914-1994), who became the first woman governor of the state of Washington in 1976. She was propelled into the governor's chair mainly because of her prominence as an environmental activist.

Ray took a common-sense approach to the preservation of the environment and her writings supported the importance of gathering facts and understanding the science behind environmental questions before launching expensive and unsuccessful environmental campaigns. She wrote scathingly of those who promoted causes without a factual base, and was a strong supporter of a cost-benefit approach to environmental protection programs. Fervent as she was in pursuing environmental issues, she warned her fellow activists about the dangers of "government by regulation."

Born in Tacoma, Washington, Ray graduated from Mills College with a degree in zoology in 1937, followed the next year by a Master's degree. She taught in public schools in Oakland, California, until 1942, when she entered Stanford University, earning a Ph.D. in 1945. She then joined the faculty of the University of Washington as an instructor in zoology, and was appointed associate professor ten years later. Her research in those years centered on studies of marine crustaceans and the organisms that attack submerged wood.

Beginning in the 1960s Ray became a leading advocate of ecological research as a prerequisite to understanding the dangers inherent in the unregulated growth of such technologies as chemical manufacture, energy production, and waste disposal. During 1960-62 she was a special consultant in biological oceanography to the National Science Foundation.

In 1963 she was appointed director of the newly established Pacific Science Center in Seattle. Under her direction the center quickly developed into an important institution for encouraging public interest in and understanding of science. She served also as special assistant to the director of the National Science Foundation in 1963, and in 1969 she was made a member of the President's Task Force on Oceanography. In 1972 President Nixon nominated her to a seat on the Atomic Energy Commission.

Ray left the University of Washington and the Science Center upon Senate confirmation of the nomination the next month and became the first woman to undertake a full term on the commission. In February 1973 she became chairman of the commission, a post that made her perhaps the most powerful woman in the federal government. She improved employment opportunities for minority group applicants and expanded research on the safety of nuclear reactors. Her characteristic blunt, outspoken manner and somewhat nonconformist style made her a figure of national interest.

Following a reorganization of the Atomic Energy Commission in 1974 she moved to the Department of State as assistant secretary for oceans and international environmental scientific affairs. In 1976 she ran as a Democrat for the governorship of Washington and became the second woman, after Ella Grasso of Connecticut, to win a state governorship without being preceded in office by a husband.

[To find a library copy of Ray's "Environmental Overkill: Whatever Happened to Common Sense," go to RLG's RedLightGreen.com: or to purchase go to Note: We donate all revenue from our recommendations to adult literacy programs.]

MAILBAG: THE WORLD AS WE FIND IT

[Note: All of the comments in today's mailbag are in response to the question raised by Mark Zollinhoffer about the Cellini Flash Card suggesting that there are eight views from which to view a statue): .]

LET US COUNT THE WAYS

When I read the comment about how many views a sculpture has, I had the opposite reaction than Mark Zollinhofer. He thought the case was overstated and that there are only six views, while I think it was understated, and there is an infinite number of views. Stand in front of a sculpture. Now move any distance in any direction other than directly towards or away from the sculpture. You now have a different view. This can be repeated an arbitrary number of times without ever repeating the same view twice. (Nate Scherer)

WHAT WAS CELLINI THINKING?

I believe Cellini was probably thinking:

Front

Left front

Left

Left rear

Rear

Right rear

Right

Right front

As top and bottom are two views that you do not see often in a statue.

(Jack Hewitt)

EIGHT POINTS OF A COMPASS

The eight views that Cellini was referring to were the four views of the main axes and the four views of diagonal axes, sometimes referred to as three-quarter views. These views correspond to the eight points of a compass, each separated by 45 degrees of rotation. (Steve Polatas, North Canton, Ohio)

DIAGONALS

Normally, you don't look at a statue from the top or the bottom. Besides the front, back, left, right, there are also the diagonals -- like on the points of a compass (NW, SW, etc.). A statue is going to give a different impression when viewed diagonally. So that would give you eight views. (Dr. Rod Kirby, Marietta, GA)

WALKING AROUND A STATUE, AND STOPPING, AND STOPPING, AND ...

I had to think about this for a moment also. The top and bottom of statue is almost as hard to see as the inside. However, if you consider walking around one, then taking a look every 45 deg. would give you the 8 views. The views would start to run together if you stopped more often than that... See http://www.sculpturegallery.com/sculpture/la-danaide.html for an example. (Karl D. Schnelle, Ph.D.)

THE DIMENSIONS OF NIGHT AND DAY, NEAR AND FAR

If a sculpture is essentially a cube in 3-dimensional space, then six sides are the most it can have. But a sculpture is both tactile and perceptual. I nominate two additional views -- near and far. And perhaps still two more -- daylight and darkness. And what about while the viewer is standing still or in motion? All of these change how a sculpture is seen and how it is perceived. (Martin Raisch, BYU Idaho)

MULTIPLE PERSPECTIVES, MULTIPLE OPINIONS

I'd say there are infinite views of a statue, just as there are of live humans. A joy of life is the multiple perspectives available to each of us AND the diverse opinions each view elicits. (Graham Lewis, Ashland, Oregon)

ROUND AND ROUND

It seems reasonable to me that in addition to the square-on views given as:

front

back

left

right

the additional views Cellini had in mind were

right front

left front

right rear, and

left rear.

These are the named views that one would see while walking around the statue. I feel that the top view -- though important -- would unlikely have made his list.

Interesting question, though. (Clay C. Ross, Mathematics & Computer Science, emeritus, The University of the South)

VIEWS FROM THE HEART

What came to mind was to add "mine" and "yours" to the six that Mark H. Zollinhofer included in his mailbag item in NewsScan Daily. Reminds me of the old adage, (something like) "There are three positions in every argument: yours, mine, and the truth." Keep up the good work. (Dick Blackburn, Associate Professor, Kenan-Flagler Business School, University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill)

VIEWS FROM INSIDE

Besides the six normal views (top, bottom, left, right, front, back) I would suggest the other two are the sculptor's view in creating the artwork and the viewer's view in looking at it. There certainly must be an inner or spiritual perception that the artist sees in his mind while creating it, and a viewer sees in his mind or spirit while looking at it. (Andrew Rafalski)

WORTH THINKING ABOUT: MASCARA

In her new book " Inventing Beauty: A History Of The Innovations That Have Made Us Beautiful," New York Times patent columnist Teresa Riordan has created a record of the successive inventions devised to help women beautify themselves as public tastes gradually came to embrace artifice:

"When it comes to flirtation, the eyes can cast a potent spell. An intense gaze is one of the most effective ways a woman can broadcast her interest in a man. (Believe it or not, scientists have actually quantified this.) But how is it that eye makeup, particularly mascara, became a standard implement in America's cosmetic toolbox?

"Mascara became legitimate in the United States only fairly recently in the historic scheme of things. Many a proper Victorian lady, who had no qualms about inflating her breasts with rubber bust enhancers or upholstering her rear end with a bustle, was vociferously opposed to altering her face with any type of cosmetic. Indeed, the late 1800s brought furious catfights over the legitimacy of rouge pots and eyebrow pencils. Were they the province of sophisticated beauties or the downfall of wanton souls?

"Charlotte Smith, editor of The Woman Inventor, argued against the use of cosmetics while the entrepreneur Madame M. Yale vigorously supported women's right to use them. Both women testified on the subject of cosmetics before the House of Representative's Agricultural Committee in 1892. Madame Yale -- 'young and lovely, with masses of blonde hair' -- was a successful businesswoman who had built a company worth $500,000 selling cosmetics, soaps, corsets, and a facial steaming machine.

"Described by the Pittsburgh Leader as a 'priestess of the cosmetic art,' Madame Yale lectured on cosmetics at the Chicago Opera House on March 17, 1892, arguing that they should be included among exhibits featuring female inventors. Yale complained volubly about the formidable Bertha Palmer, who, as the head of the board of Lady Managers at the Chicago World's Fair of 1893, decided what did and did not belong in the Woman's Building of that fair.

"The logic of Madame Yale's pro-cosmetics argument to feminists was inspired: 'Training and skills being equal, the woman who looks better will get the job, so why not make the most of your appearance?' Mrs. Palmer was unswayed. She decreed that such nonsense was not worthy of the Woman's Building."

Source: Teresa Riordan, Inventing Beauty: A History Of The Innovations That Have Made Us Beautiful,

***

[To purchase a copy of Riordan's book visit: or to find a library copy of Valerie Steele's "Fashion and Eroticism Ideals of Feminine Beauty From the Victorian Era to the Jazz Age" go to RLG's RedLightGreen.com: Note: We donate all revenue from our recommendations to adult literacy programs.]

MAILBAG: THE WORLD AS WE FIND IT

LYRICAL LINES IN THE STAND

Re:

I really enjoyed the featured lyrics by Stephen Sondheim. It's one of the great features of NewsScan Daily. And writing this email reminded me of a teen's comment years ago on American Bandstand: "I liked the beat, the music and the words, but didn't like the lyrics." :) (Rick Cullen)

THOSE PESKY EXPONENTS

Re: < http://www.newsscan.com/cgi-bin/findit-view?table=honorary-subscriber&id=868 >

Exponents are hard to do in typed text! I can suggest three ways to do it:

x^n + y^n = z^n (caret symbol implies exponentiation);

x**n + y**n = z**n ("**" borrowed from FORTRAN syntax);

or use 2 lines, hope recipient uses fixed-width font

n n n

x + y = z

I can't resist the cheeky observation that ^2 an exponent seems to have crept into your text unexpectedly in your Honorary Subscriber article on Sophie Germain. :-) (Steve Coulson, Director, College of Engineering Computing Services, Kansas State University)

THAT PESKY TOLKIEN

Re: < http://www.newsscan.com/cgi-bin/findit-view?table=honorary-subscriber&id=868 >

Something didn't sound quite right about "Sir Gawain and the Blue Knight." A google Search for "Sir Gawain and the Green Knight" yields 60,300 English pages. A search for "Sir Gawain and the Blue Knight" yields no documents. A search for "Sir Gawain and the Blue" yields one very unfortunate document link which I did not pursue. (Mike Barnes)

WHAT COLOR IS YOUR KNIGHT? Re: <

http://www.newsscan.com/cgi-bin/findit-view?table=honorary-subscriber&id=868 >

I am sure someone else has already pointed out the problem here, but I have to be certain: George Myers suggest that if you had included Tolkien's scholarly work in which he translated "Sir Gawain and the Blue Knight" it might have given further insight into his academic and perhaps spiritual side; presumably George means -Sir Gawain and the GREEN Knight- (my emphasis). I studied this extensively in graduate school, both in the original and in many different translations, of which Tolkien's is certainly my favorite -- but in all of them, Gawain's mysterious opponent is green. (David Sisk, Associate Director, Computing & Information Technology, Macalester College)

BEFORE THERE WAS KINKO'S

Re:

Lest any of your readers think that Ptolemy I was being particularly generous in giving the visitors nice, shiny, new copies of books, and keeping the old, it should be remembered that books were copied by hand, by slaves who might be more, or less, skilled at copying. The new copy was certain to have more mistakes than the one surrendered, and everyone knew it. Given a choice, under normal circumstances almost anyone would have chosen to keep the older copy. (Michael S. Borries, Central Office, CUNY)

HOW MANY SIDES DOES A STATUE HAVE? SHOULD WE HAVE A CONTEST?

Re: < table="newsletter&id="11820">

Cellini made an interesting observation, in abstract terms at least, in saying that "a statue has eight views, and they must all be equally good." However, if you could elucidate what those eight view are, I would be obliged. I can only think of:

top

bottom

front

back

left

right,

(unless you include inside and outside, but those are stretching it I think). Can you provide more info? (Mark H. Zollinhofer, Ph.D., East Mennonite University) [What say you, NewsScan readers? -- J&S]

SEARCHING FOR A BETTER SEARCH TOOL

Re: < table="newsletter&id="11824">

Hasn't Microsoft Windows always had a desktop search? Click on START and then SEARCH. It works but is slow. Microsoft, Google and Yahoo are getting publicity on new desktop search but there is little mention of Coprenic Desktop Search, which is a free and mature product. I tried the Google Desktop Search and did not find it useful. I tried the Coprenic Desktop Search and found it to be a useful fast feature-rich desktop search program. Anyone interested in desktop search should try it. (Dennis Zobel)

THE MODERN VERSION OF THE ALEXANDRIA LIBRARY

Re: < table="newsletter&id="11808">

I wonder whether Simon Singh is aware that the modern version of the Alexandria Library is being built, giving access to digital material all over the world. According to its web site, "The Alexandria Digital Library (ADL) offers easy access to its collections of geographically referenced materials. The library, headquartered at the University of California at Santa Barbara, is hosted by the Davidson Library's Map & Imagery Lab (MIL). The MIL team is working with development teams throughout the world to establish remote, independent, yet federated ADL nodes featuring local geographically referenced collections." (Muhammad Abd al-Hameed, Lahore, Pakistan)

TECHNOLOGY-MEDIATED CULTURAL EXCHANGE

Re: < table="newsletter&id="11792">

Your story "Students In NYC, New Delhi Make Beautiful Music Together" presented an inspirational portrayal of distance learning at its best. The event was the catalyst for extensive learning about the music, dance, and history of the other country and the videoconference, as described, sounds like it was not only fun but a cultural exchange that was only possible mediated with technology. I hope the innovation and creativity of this event inspires others to consider the richness possible with distance learning for people of all ages. And, as always, thank you for including such interesting news in NewsScan Daily! (Lisa Neal, Ph.D., Editor-in-Chief, eLearn Magazine, www.eLearnMag.org)

FREQUENT FLYER NIGHTMARE I

Re:

Great! Just what we need! More inane and brainless chatter from intellectually challenged cellphone users, this time in a sealed aircraft with a captive audience unable to escape. One of the things I always liked about flying on aircraft was the fact that for a few hours, no one could contact me or bother me. The solitude was wonderful! To think that it might now be destroyed forever is too horrible to contemplate. (John McNulty, Dalhousie University, Halifax, Canada)

FREQUENT FLYER NIGHTMARE II

Re:

One reaction I had was to imagine with horror one of my frequent long-haul international flights surrounded by people having those "where are you now" conversations. They will use those wonderful, and blessedly silent, online maps that give your location, speed, altitude, and outside temperature to keep people informed for 13 hours. Yikes!! Happy holidays to you and Suzanne and your multitude of readers who love this service. (Jean Currie, Executive Director, South Central Regional Library Council)

HONORARY SUBSCRIBER: GRANT WOOD

Today's Honorary Subscriber is the American regionalist painter Grant Wood (1891-1942), who has earned both popular and critical acclaim for his elegant, meticulously composed canvases.

Wood's two most famous paintings are American Gothic and Daughters of Revolution:

His Daughters of Revolution is a satirical representation of three unattractive ladies looking distrustful and posing in front of the Emmanuel Leutz painting Washington Crossing the Delaware. Wood painted it after quarrelling with the women in charge of a memorial for the veterans of the First World War, in which he had served.

American Gothic, his unquestioned masterpiece, pictures a farmer and his daughter standing in front of a five-room house built in a style known as Carpenter Gothic, readily identified by the Gothic Window placed in the gable. Wood dressed his sister and his dentist in period clothing to pose as models for the painting. Today the painting hangs in the Art Institute of Chicago, and is one of the most widely recognized paintings in America.

Wood was born to Quaker parents on a small farm near Anamosa, Iowa. After the death of his father in 1901, he moved to Cedar Rapids. He studied at the Minneapolis School of design between 1910 and 1911 and then while working as a professional designer he took night courses at the University of Iowa and at the Art Institute of Chicago. In 1915 he gave up designing and returned to Cedar Rapids. After his military service he taught painting and drawing at the public school of Cedar Rapids. During the 1920s he made study visits to Europe, spending two years attending the Académie Julian in Paris and also visiting the Italian town of Sorrento.

Wood was by nature a meticulous craftsman, and was inspired by the clear, miniaturist detail of fifteenth-century Flemish masters, such as Hans Memling, and at home in the porcelain designs of Willow Ware. From about 1928 until his death, he developed a stylized, hard-edged realism perfectly blended with his observant and sometimes wry characterizations of rural life. He became particularly interested in Stone City, a boomtown gone bust, located on the Wapsipinicon River near Cedar Rapids. He painted Stone City, Iowa as his first major landscape to celebrate the area's return to animal grazing and crop growing after it had gone bust when its limestone quarries were shut down by the invention of Portland cement. The village of Stone City became the site of a summer artist's colony operated by Wood in 1932 and 1933.

In 1934 Wood was appointed head of the Iowa WPA Federal Arts project. He also taught at the University of Iowa. As the modernist movement gained momentum in the late 1930s, Wood and the other Regional American Landscape painters were slowly overshadowed, but did continue to be exhibited. Pained by the growing indifference to his chosen art form, Wood died at age 50. Today his works command prices between $100,000 and $1,500,000.

***

[To find a library copy of "Artist in Overalls: A Life of Grant Wood" by John Duggleby go to RLG's RedLightGreen.com at -- or to purchase go to

WORTH THINKING ABOUT: THE ART OF THE LYRIC

From time to time we like to honor the great American popular song lyricists, and today we turn our attention to composer/lyricist Stephen Sondheim. Sondheim studied musical composition under Milton Babbitt and was tutored in lyric-writing by Oscar Hammerstein II, a family friend and neighbor.

At age 25 he wrote the lyrics to "West Side Story" (music by Leonard Bernstein, book by Arthur Laurents, inspiration by Wm. Shakespeare).

Some of Sondheim's other works (music and/or lyrics) include "Gypsy," "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum," "A Little Night Music," "Sweeney Todd," and "Sunday in the Park with George."

Here are a few examples of his lyrics. How many can you sing?

***

When you're a Jet,

You're a Jet all the way

From your first cigarette

To your last dyin' day.

***

Isn't it rich?

Are we a pair?

Me here at last on the ground,

You in mid-air.

Send in the clowns.

***

Rosalia: I like the city of San Juan.

Anita: I know a boat you can get on.

Rosalia: Hundreds of flowers in full bloom.

Anita: Hundreds of people in each room!

[Girls sans Rosalia:]

Automobile in America.

Chromium steel in America.

Wirespoke wheel in American,

Very big deal in America!

***

Something familiar,

Something peculiar,

Something for everyone:

A comedy tonight!

Something appealing,

Something appalling,

Something for everyone:

A comedy tonight!

Nothing with kings, nothing with crowns; Bring on the lovers, liars and clowns!

Old situations,

New complications,

Nothing portentous or polite;

Tragedy tomorrow,

Comedy tonight!

***

Maria!

I've just met a girl named Maria,

And suddenly that name

Will never be the same

To me.

***

She lightens my sadness,

She livens my days,

She bursts with a kind of madness

My well-ordered ways.

My happiest mistake, the ache of my life: You must meet my wife.

She bubbles with pleasure,

She glows with surprise,

Disrupts my accustomed leisure

And ruffles my ties.

I don't know even now quite how it began.

You must meet my wife, my Anne.

***

Tonight, tonight,

Won't be just any night,

Tonight there will be no morning star.

Tonight, tonight,

I'll see my love tonight!

And for us, stars will stop where they are.

Today the minutes seem like hours,

The hours go so slowly,

And still the sky is light.

Oh moon, grow bright,

And make this endless day endless night!

***

Could be! Who knows?

There's something due any day;

I will know right away,

Soon as it shows.

It may come cannon-balling down thru the sky, Gleam in its eye,

Bright as a rose!

Who knows?

It's only just out of reach,

Down the block, on a beach,

Under a tree...

I got a feeling there's a miracle due,

Gonna come true,

Coming to me!

***

[To find a library copy of the Sondheim "Musical Comedies" DVD, go to RLG's RedLightGreen.com at -- or to purchase go to

HONORARY SUBSCRIBER: CHANA ORLOFF

Today's Honorary Subscriber is the figurative sculptor Chana Orloff (1888-1968), who is best known for her many sculpted portraits of famous people, particularly those from the art world of Paris.

Orloff's favorite medium was wood, because of its warmth and friendliness, but she also worked in stone, marble, bronze and cement. Her work was done in the realist tradition, yet showed traces of the cubist movement of her era.

Her list of notable subjects reads like a who's-who of the first half of the twentieth century: painters such as Picasso, Matisse, Modigliani, poets Bialik, Fleg, Mac Orlan, architects Chareau, Auguste Perret, and other notable personages such as Ben Gourion, Levy Echkol, and Scholem Asch.

While visiting Israel, she produced public monuments in Ramat Gan and Ein Gev. Among Orloff's other favorite subjects to sculpt were animals, especially birds, ordinary men and women, and women as mothers, shown while pregnant and with their children.

Orloff was born in Ukraine but at age 16 moved with her family to Jaffa, Israel. Her father worked in the fields and she helped out as a seamstress. Six years later, in 1910, she moved to Paris, where she studied sculpture and moved in the circles of avant-garde artists. In 1913 three of her sculptures were accepted by the Salon d'Automne, and after that she exhibited regularly.

In 1916 she married the poet Ary Justman, who died in the post-World War I influenza epidemic, leaving her with a baby son. In the 1920s Orloff gained prominence as a sculptor, and received a steady stream of commissions for portraits. She later had an entire room devoted to her works in the Petit Palais of Paris. She also visited the United States, where she held exhibitions in New York and Boston.

During the Nazi occupation of France she continued to live in Paris until 1942 when, fearing arrest as a Jew, she fled with her son to Switzerland. Her Paris studio was vandalized and much of her work was stolen or destroyed. After the war she returned to Paris and set about to create her work Retour, which was a series of drawings and sculptures depicting her sufferings as a deportee.

For the remaining years of her life Orloff continued to work productively and exhibit on a regular basis, holding many large-scale exhibitions, including a retrospective in the Tel Aviv Museum.

***

[For a library copy of "Orloff" by Chana Orloff, visit RLG's RedLightGreen.com: -- or to purchase a copy of "Bohemian Paris" about the birth of modern at, go to: < http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0802139973/newsscancom/ref=nos im>

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Activities and Events of Interest

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Friday, December 24, at 6 pm. The World Championship Rotary Tiller Race from Downtown Emerson Arkansas, is scheduled to air on the Discovery Channel Monster Nation

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January 10 El Dorado 7:30 p.m. In Honor of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

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February 5 El Dorado 7:30 p.m. Krystle Maczka, Piano

February 6 Magnolia 2:00 p.m. "

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March 5 Camden 7:30 p.m. Premier String Quartet

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April 3 El Dorado 3:00 p.m. Xiang Gao, Violin

~~~

MCC Tanzania, Africa Mission Trip, July 2005. Get you7r passport!

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"September 11 WDYTJWD" W. P. Florence

Justice first, then peace."

"September 11" Never forget.--Tony Moses

"ONE NATION UNDER GOD ...the only way"--Phillip Story

"We have nothing to fear but fear itself." -- Franklin D. Roosevelt

"Keeping my head down but face toward Heaven" - - Jody Eldred, ABC News Cameraman in Kuwait

"Remember Pearl Harbor? Remember 9/11!" --"Bug"

Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. - - George Carlin

"Stop telling God how big your storm is. Instead, tell the storm how big your God is!" - - Queen E. Watson

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NEVER FORGET! We're listing the names of our soldiers killed weekly. These records can be found at http://www.defenselink. mil/releases/ This posting covers the last two weeks.

The Department of Defense announced the death of two soldiers supporting Operation Iraqi Freedom. They died December 9 in Mosul, Iraq after being involved in an Apache helicopter accident. Both were assigned to the 1st Battalion, 151st Aviation Regiment, South Carolina National Guard, Columbia, S.C. Killed were:

01. 1st Lt. Andrew C. Shields, 25, of Campobello, S.C.

02. Chief Warrant Officer Patrick D. Leach, 39, of Rock Hill, S.C.

03. Spc. Robert W. Hoyt, 21, of Ashford, Conn., died Dec. 11 in Baghdad, Iraq, when an improvised explosive device detonated near his HMMWV while conducting convoy operations. Hoyt was assigned to the Army National Guard’s 1st Battalion, 102nd Infantry Regiment, Bristol, Conn.

The Department of Defense announced the death of two soldiers supporting Operation Iraqi Freedom. They died Dec. 5 in Habbaniyah, Iraq, when an improvised explosive device detonated near their HMMWV. Both were assigned to the 1st Battalion, 506th Infantry Regiment, 2nd Infantry Division, Camp Greaves, Korea. Killed were:

04. Staff Sgt. Marvin L. Trost III, 28, of Goshen, Ind.

05. Spc. Edwin W. Roodhouse, 36, of San Jose, Calif.

06. Pfc. Joshua A. Ramsey, 19, from Defiance, Ohio, died Dec. 12 in Baghdad, Iraq, from non-combat related injuries. Ramsey was assigned to the 95th Military Police Battalion, Mannheim, Germany.

The Department of Defense announced the death of three Marines who were supporting Operation Iraqi Freedom.

07. Staff Sgt. Melvin L. Blazer, 38, of Moore, Okla.

08. Lance Cpl. Hilario F. Lopez, 22, of Ingleside, Texas.

09. Lance Cpl. Gregory P. Rund, 21, of Littleton, Colo.

Rund died Dec. 11 and Blazer and Lopez died Dec. 12 as result of enemy action in Al Anbar Province, Iraq. All three were assigned to 3rd Battalion, 5th Marine Regiment, 1st Marine Division, I Marine Expeditionary Force, Marine Corps Base Camp Pendleton, Calif.

The Department of Defense announced the death of three Marines who were supporting Operation Iraqi Freedom.

10. Cpl. Jason S. Clairday, 21, of Camp, Ark.

11. Cpl. Ian W. Stewart, 21, of Lake Hughes, Calif.

12. Lance Cpl. Richard D. Warner, 22, of Waukesha, Wis.

Clairday and Stewart died Dec. 12 as result of enemy action in Al Anbar Province, Iraq. Warner died Dec 13 from wounds received as a result of enemy action in Babil Province, Iraq. Clairday and Stewart were assigned to 3rd Battalion, 5th Marine Regiment, 1st Marine Division, I Marine Expeditionary Force, Marine Corps Base Camp Pendleton, Calif. Warner was assigned to the Marine Corps Reserve’s 2nd Battalion, 24th Marine Regiment, 4th Marine Division, headquartered in Chicago, Ill.

14. Sgt. Jeffrey L. Kirk, 24, of Baton Rouge, La., died Dec. 12 as result of enemy action in Al Anbar Province, Iraq. He was assigned to 3rd Battalion, 5th Marine Regiment, 1st Marine Division, I Marine Expeditionary Force, Marine Corps Base Camp Pendleton, Calif.

15. Pfc. Brent T. Vroman, 21, of Oshkosh, Wis., died Dec. 13 from wounds received as a result of enemy action in Babil Province, Iraq. He was assigned to the Marine Corps Reserve’s 2nd Battalion, 24th Marine Regiment, 4th Marine Division, headquartered in Chicago, Ill.

16. Lance Cpl. Jeffery S. Blanton, 23, of Fayetteville, Ga., died Dec. 12 as a result of enemy action in Al Anbar Province, Iraq. He was assigned to the 1st Battalion, 3rd Marine Regiment, 3rd Marine Division, III Marine Expeditionary Force, Marine Corps Base Hawaii.

17. Sgt. Tina S. Time, 22, from Tucson, Ariz., died Dec. 13 near Cedar, Iraq, when she was involved in a vehicle accident. Time was assigned to the Army Reserve's 208th Transportation Company, Tucson, Ariz.

18. Cpl. Michael D. Anderson, 21, of Modesto, Calif., died Dec. 14 as result of enemy action in Al Anbar Province, Iraq. He was assigned to 3rd Battalion, 5th Marine Regiment, 1st Marine Division, I Marine Expeditionary Force, Marine Corps Base Camp Pendleton, Calif.

19. Spc. Victor A. Martinez, 21, from Bronx, N.Y., died Dec. 14 south of Baghdad, Iraq, from a gunshot wound. Martinez was assigned to the 364th Supply Company, 264th Corps Support Battalion, 1st Corps Support Command, Fort Bragg, N.C.

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Remember that for every soldier killed in modern war, 10 are wounded. Don't forget to pray for them and their families.

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Join the Delta Diamondbacks 24-hour prayer team sponsored by First Baptist Church of McNeill by calling Debi Scott at 695-3403.

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War Prayer list for those in harms way.(10/10)

Remember to pray for the American soldiers stationed everywhere around the globe and especially in Iraq. Times have been and are very tough and it would be nice if you would all just say a prayer for their safety and for their families. Our own Delta Diamond Backs, local national guard personnel are now patrolling Bagdad. They are part of the 1st Cavalry Division's, 39th Infantry Brigade.

Please update us when you know of someone who comes home (or is activated for service.)

Major William Anderson - U.S. Air Force - Bagdad

Command Sergeant Major Tom Broom - U.S. Army - Kuwait

Kyle Burleston - U.S. Marines - Iraq

Jim Carrol - U.S. Navy Intelligence

Greg Davis - U.S. Army - Bagdad - Mark Davis's oldest son. Greg has two children; Jhett,

12 and Baily 3

Lang Doster - National Guard - Iraq - Angel Cranston's Brother

Sgt. Douglas E. Chappel - Kuwait

Alaina Downey - USAF - Whiteman Air Force Base in Missouri - Steve Downey's daughter

Michael Drake - U.S. Navy - Persian Gulf

Lisa Dyson - U.S. Army Intelligence - Johnny Dyson's daughter

Jeremy Lee Eades U.S. Army - Roger and Jerri Eades son.

John Ford - U.S. Army Korea - Steve and Sharon Ford's son

Dickie Hartsfield's son - U.S. Army - In Bagdad

Warren Haynie from Lewisville - Serving in Iraq

Matthew Johnson - Marines

Robby Johnson - USAF C-130 Crew Chief

Brennan Jones - U S Marines - Iraq

James A.Jones - US Navy

Pat Keister - USMC -

Terris Lyons - National Guard - Back home in Minden

Mick McDaniel - U.S. Air Force, unknown location - Richard Matherne's son-in-law

David Mitchell - U.S. Army - In Bagdad

Opheline Moore - USArmy -

Brian Morgan - US Navy - in the Gulf somewhere

C.H. Osman - CAPT USN - Pentagon

Andrew Paladino - US Army SRA - Don and Ronda Paladino's Boy

Nick Paladino - US Army Ssgt - Don and Ronda Paladino's Boy

Bob Polk - Kuwait

Todd Raymond - USAF - Germany - Another MCC young man.

Bryan Ross - Wayne Specie Roy and Loretta Specie's

Jason Varner Deployed to an unknown Location Roy and Loretta Specie's

Lloyd Young - USMC - North Carolina - Cindy Martin's son

Please let us know of any updates to this list. James F.McClellan -

KC5HII@Magnolia-Net.Com Also, at kvma.Com they have a list of people over seas.

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Scheduled Activities

~~~

Alcoholics Anonymous meets at 8 p.m.Monday - Friday.At noon on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays and at 7 p.m.Sunday at 914 N. Vine

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Columbia County Amateur Radio Club meets Every second Thursday @ 7:00 p.m.Union Street Station.And YOU'RE invited.Net is every Sunday at 20:30 on 147.105.

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Columbia County Diabetes Support Group - Every third Monday, 7:00 p.m. room 222, Magnolia Hospital

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"Focus on the Family" with Dr. James Dobson weekday afternoons at 1 PM on KVMA am 630 it's a great show!

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MCC - Abraham Prayer - Sunday at 5:00 p.m and Wednesday from 11:30 am to 1:00 pm

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MCC - Early Morning Prayer - Monday - Friday, From 6:30 am to 8:00 am

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MCC - "Beth Moore" Video Class - Thursday nights at 5:45 pm

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MCC - "Faith Builders" Small group meets at 1051 Columbia 36 the second and fourth Tuesdays, 6:30 pm to 7:45 pm.

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MCC - Firm Foundations Class, Sunday 9:30 to 10:15 a.m

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MCC - Meadow Brook Nursing Home Ministry Tuesday from 10:00 to 11:00 a.m

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MCC - Mom's Day Out - Every Tuesday and Thursday from 9 to 2.$10 for the first child, $5 for the second.Call 234-3225 for reservations.

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MCC - Nursing Home Ministry - Meadowbrook Every Tuesday from 10 to 11 am. Taylor, the last Thursday each month.

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MCC - Over comers: Fridays @ 7:00 p.m- Director, Traci Foster invites you to a 12 step Christian support program.For anyone with a life controlling problem. Child care is provided.

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Men's Prayer Breakfast held every Tuesday morning at 6 AM in Miller's Cafeteria. If you aren't a regular participant at the Men's Prayer Breakfast, you're missing some great food, fellowship and inspired teaching of the Word. Hope to see you there, especially in January when we’ve got the program. Here’s our list of January speakers; Tuesday, January 04 Paul Troquille, Tuesday, January 11 Joe Sledge, Tuesday, January 18 Eric Williams, Tuesday, January 25 Gary McKinnie.

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Emergency Phone Number 911

(Fire, Police, Ambulance, Sheriff, etc. )

Central Dispatch 234-5655

(Non - Emergency Number)

Direct Numbers

Ambulance - 234-7371 (24 Hour)

Jail - 234-5331 (24 Hour)

Poison Control - 800-222-1222 (24 Hour)

http://www. aapcc. org/

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"Fight till you win!" - - Mark Brazee

"Bring 'em on!" - -President George W. Bush

"There is not enough darkness in the world to put out the light of one candle."

"Laugh whenever you can and cry if you need to." -- "Bug"

"I read the end of the book. We win!" -- "Bug"

"We may not be able to cure the world, but we don't have to make it sicker." -- "Bug"

"There just ain't enough fingers for all the holes in the dike." - - "Bug"

"If you can read this e-mail, thank a teacher. - - If you read it in English, thank a serviceman."

"A simple way to take measure of a country is to look at how many want in ... and how many want out." - - Tony Blair

~~~~~

Hope you enjoy the newsletter.

Again, thanks to all our contributors this week.

God bless and GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!

Luke 18:35-4 Mat 9:23-26 Acts 13:50- 52 Rom 7:15,18,22,23 Psa 78:26-29

God is Good and Faithful CU 73 IC JFM CSP NREMT-I KC5HII

P. S. If you'd like to be added to the distribution, just drop us E-mail at KC5HII@Magnolia-Net.Com. We offer "Da Bleat" as text, a "Blog" and as a newsletter with pictures in Word and PDF format. For the "Blog" version just go to http://bugsbleat.blogspot.com/ to see the latest issue. This week, "Word" and "PDF" subscribers get to see photos of the Albemarle Kids Christmas Party.

Let us hear from you if we can switch you over to the "Word" or "PDF" version of "Da Bleat".

If you'd prefer to read "Da Blog" version, just drop us a note at KC5HII@Magnolia-Net.Com and we'll switch you from e:mail delivery to "Da Bleat" Blog. Of course "Da Bleat" is now on the web. Just go to http://bugsbleat.blogspot.com to see the latest issue (usually updated sometime Friday evening or Saturday morning. We appreciate your encouragement. We also appreciate your communication when you desire to be taken off our mail list. If you are on this mail list by mistake or do not wish to receive "Da Bleat," please reply back and tell us to discontinue service to you.

Bug's Bleat First

About Me

Friday, December 17, 2004

Bug's Bleat - - GCF: Seals

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